


Stay

by linzclair219



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love is hard, M/M, Mike Dodds lives, Secret Relationship, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 68,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linzclair219/pseuds/linzclair219
Summary: “Okay…okay…” Mike blinks a few times, before pulling the hand holding both of Sonny’s closer. “Stay with me, okay? Stay with me?”“Yeah.” Sonny’s heavy voice replies. “I’ll stay with you. Promise.”My self-soothing version of Context where Mike lives after chapter three. The first two chapters of both stories are exactly the same.





	1. August through December, 2015

For as long as Michael Dodds can remember, he’s been afraid of the dark. As a child, his brain conjured up images of the most horrifying monsters, with alien eyes and long tentacles, waiting just outside his scope of vision to snatch him up. Young Mike would do everything in his power to ward off the monsters: nightlights, double checking his room, and for the longest time not sleeping alone.

When Mike got older, he learned how to control his fear. It was still there, wound so deep into his psyche that it couldn’t be removed, but age brought with it more discreet ways of handling his fear. Or, rather, not handling it. At the age of forty, that means sleeping with his gun in his nightstand and leaving on the LED nightlight in his bathroom, with said bathroom door open. It helps.

But he doesn’t like going home. The thought of returning to his dark room and his empty bed makes his heart turn. Sure, Alice is in the next room, but she’s asleep before nine every night, without fail. If he didn’t notice her half of the rent left on the table every few weeks, he’d swear he was living alone. So he’s glad for the invitations that Junior Detective Carisi offers to take him for a drink.

And at first it’s with the whole squad, including his pregnant partner. The first few times he still feels out of his element. A spare tire. Something that’s nice to have in theory, but is really just being lugged around. He’s on the outside of all their inside jokes.

Mike feels left out enough that, the next time Carisi offers to catch a drink with him after work, his initial response is no.

“Why not, Serge?”

“Look, Carisi, I appreciate the offer but really I’m not much for being a burden. I know things are tense with me around all of you.”

“Nah, not with them. Just the two of us.”

Mike gives him a second look, wondering if this is true. Carisi’s face is an open book, and today it’s words read ‘welcome, please, grab a drink with me.’

“Really? Just us?”

“Yeah, well, y’know I know what it’s like to be the new guy. We’re like buffalo here. As a herd we’re scary and overwhelming, but being around one of us seems like an alright idea.”

Mike chuckles, and really he can’t say no to that. It’s why he says yes the first time.

And the second time.

And the third time.

Every time he’s asked, he says yes. The promise of flowing conversation and a warm body on the barstool next to him soothes Mike’s lonely soul.

Eight outings on fourteen days.  Only then do he and Carisi get around to talking about exes.

“I don’t have many. You know, between work and…well, work, I don’t get out too often.” Mike replies.

“Huh. Guess that makes sense.”

“What about you? You’re a cop and you’re studying for the Bar, that must eat up most of your time.”

“Sure, sure, but sometimes it works. Other times…” He shakes his head. “The only reason I bring it up is ‘cuz I had an ex call me today. I just felt like crap afterwards.”

“I know I’m not the expert, but that seems pretty reasonable. What happened?”

“Serge-“

“Mike. Please.”

“Hey, if I’m calling you Mike you’re calling me Sonny.”

Mike’s light buzz and the warmth radiating from Carisi’s leg where it’s touching his own makes the idea appealing.

“Fine. Continue, _Sonny._ ”

“Well, _Mike”_ he takes special pleasure in the word “it was the weirdest thing. One minute we’re gossiping about one of his friends, because really they aren’t mine, and the next it’s just on and on and on about ‘why did things end the way they did?”

“What’d you say?”

“That’s the thing though, it’s been, like, three years since we broke up. I can’t really remember _why_ but I know it happened for a reason. And then the freaking waterworks start.” He sighs and takes another sip from his drink. “Am I a bad person?”

“Please Ca- Sonny. One upset ex does not a bad person make.”

He sighs again and empties the bottle. “I guess I know that. Still, it’s good to hear. He’s just so dramatic, y’know? Actually, now that I think on it, pretty sure that had something to do with it.”

“He?” Mike stops short of sipping his own drink. Carisi’s face pinches.

“He who?”

“He…your ex?”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Sorry, I just…well, Liv mentioned you had an ex at LAPD, specifically said ‘she’.”

“Yeah. I’m bi. Sorry, I just figure everyone knows. Well, at work, not at home because my parents are good Catholics, that just might break their hearts.”

“Huh. So…”

“I like both. Men and women.”

Mike’s heart tenses, and he can feel the blood rush to his ears. He drains his own beer, then looks at the wall of bottles while he answers.

“I don’t.”

Carisi’s quiet for a long moment, and a cold shame trickles down Mike’s spine, while the skin pressed against Sonny’s is extra hot.

“That’s not how people say they’re straight.”

Dodds nods, and keeps his gaze right on, waiting for the inevitable rejection. Only it doesn’t come. A hand comes to rest on Mike’s thigh, chasing away his chill.

“What’re you trying to tell me, Serge?”

Dodds musters up all of his charm and channels it into a half smirk when he looks over at Carisi. “I told you, it’s Mike.”

“Well, Mike…how about we get outta here?”

Mike can hear his pulse when he nods, and fumbles with his wallet to pay for the tab, while Carisi pays for the cab back to his place. They could’ve walked, but the ride keeps Mike together, since his knees feel weak. It takes a lot of effort to keep them from knocking during the elevator ride up, and the short walk to Carisi’s door.

Mike lingers at the door when it’s shut behind him, watching as Sonny waltzes in and sets his things down on the coffee table, next to his stacks of review books.

“Just set your stuff down wherever, I don’t mind.” Sonny tosses casually. For a second, Mike wonders if he’s totally misread the situation.

“You can come inside, Mike.” Carisi joins him near the door, and presses in close, his smile bright, but his eyes are colored with something more. “What, you getting cold feet?”

“No.” He tries to replicate the smile from the bar, but he can feel it tinged with nerves. Sonny’s index finger dances over the corner of his mouth before their lips meet. Sonny’s soft and warm against his mouth, the perfect combination to set his nerves on edge and make him crave for more kisses. The nibble against Mike’s bottom lip makes him shudder when Sonny pulls away, but he doesn’t try to close the gap between them.

“How was that?” Sonny asks, moving his arms up to rest around his shoulders. Mike swallows, tamping down his desire so he can find his words.

“Nice. Warm.”

“You okay?” Sonny asks, and grazes his fingertips against his temple, rubbing through his hair.

“Yeah,” Mike clears his throat “sorry, I just…you know, it’s been a while. A long while. I’m not sure what to do next.”

“Hey, c’mon, don’t be nervous. It’s like riding a bike, you never forget.”

“So what, now you’re a bike?”

Both of them laugh at his bad joke, but Mike is silenced when he feels those same lips press against his neck, sending a zing of pleasure straight to his groin.

“What do you want?” Sonny asks against his skin.

“Uh… what do I want?”

“Yeah” Sonny pulls back, and his baby blue eyes are wide and honest, sending another batch of warmth through him. “I’m up for pretty much anything. But is there anything you want? Or maybe something you really don’t want?”

“No…no, I don’t think so. I’m okay with anything, too.”

“We’re not gonna do anything that doesn’t feel right. Just talk to me of you need to, okay?” Sonny presses another kiss to Mike’s jaw, and Mike lets his head fall back.

“Sure.”

He lets himself be led to the bedroom, lets himself be undressed as the kissing continues. Dodds melts when Carisi climbs on top of him, pressing his bare back into the comforter. His body responds to the thoughts that pop into his head in a multitude of ways.

Goosebumps spread over his skin. His legs fall apart. His erection stiffens under the other man’s weight. A moan slips from his mouth into Sonny’s.

Sonny’s lips press their way down over the man’s chest, hard and solid from all his training. The shudders that Mike can’t contain turn into moans when he feels an unlubed thumb pressing against his entrance. It doesn’t break through, just tests the waters, looking for a reaction.

Sonny’s first and second finger are thoroughly lubed when they press into him, stretching him open.

 _God, he’s going to be so tight_ he thinks, while his prick twitches between his legs. Mike’s not aware of the way he keeps spreading his legs further and further apart, asking to be entered. It’s been so long since he’s felt the warmth of another human body pressed against his own, and even longer since he’s let himself be entered. His hips ache with want under Sonny’s touch, while his chest hums under Sonny’s lips. His back arches under the kisses that leave him splotched purple and red.

The feel of being entered almost overwhelms Mike, and he has to hold his breath to keep from coming right on the spot. Sonny slides into him, and rests there for a moment, for the same reason. Mike comes alive under Sonny’s touch, his body reacting to every kiss, every thrust, every motion like it’s brand new. The hum of pleasure turns into all out singing when Sonny’s length finds his lover’s prostate.

Nothing compares. Nothing Mike has ever experienced comes close to the sensation he feels now. Under the control of another man who’s given Mike nothing but reason to trust him, a new, lingering warmth blooms in his chest, underneath the bruises. Tender, fragile, but holding steady even after their bodies reach their climaxes, while gazing into each other’s eyes. Mike’s sure he’s never done such a thing with his handful of old lovers.

The warmth in his heart closes around his body, enwrapping him more completely than the body of the skinnier man on top of him. It holds when that body slips off of his own and disappears into the bathroom, after a peck on the lips. It doesn’t even disappear when Mike hears Sonny relieve himself in the next room. Instead, he pushes himself under the covers so he’s concealed from the waist down when Sonny returns.

“You doing okay?” Sonny asks when he catches Mike staring at his face, his own in a neutral position.

“Huh?”

“Kinda lost you there a minute. What, thinking of the fastest way out of here?”

“No…no, not at all.”

“Relax, it’s a joke.” Sonny gets under the covers on the other side of the bed. “Someone who really wants out wouldn’t have made themselves at home in my sheets.”

Mike’s cheeks color. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sonny chuckles before planting a kiss on the warm skin. “It’s fine, really. You can stick around.”

“I don’t know the protocol for this kind of thing. I’m not one much for just hooking up.”

“Me either. Hell, last time I just hooked up with someone was college.” Sonny lays back next to Mike, and turns to look at him.

His kiss swollen lips are turned up at the corners. His blue eyes are bright with life. Underneath them, his cheeks are flushed the color of his mouth. The shorter hairs on his head are loosened from their usual rigidness.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Carisi asks, rolling onto his side.

“Is it okay if I stay the night?”

His smile widens, emphasizing the dimples Mike’s never had the chance to notice before. “Sure, go right ahead. You wanna cuddle?”

“Yeah, I would actually.”

“Cool” Sonny answers past his yawn. “You wanna be big or little spoon?”

The warmth in Mike’s chest flutters, sending another wave of affection through him.

“Little.” _Nobody’s ever asked me that before._

“Works for me, roll over.”

They’re plunged into darkness a moment later, and Mike has a moment of panic before a lanky arm wraps around his waist, pulling his hips closer to another body. Sonny places kisses over his shoulder and the crook of his neck. The warmth in Mike’s chest recovers, returning to it’s calm. He presses back against Sonny and lets his eyes close, forgetting all about his gun and his desire to light up the night.

****

The feeling sneaks up on Mike, even though it doesn’t leave. He’s sure that their relationship can be casual: two colleagues giving each other the affection that people naturally require while keeping their emotions out of the mix.

He notices it, though. He notices it in the way his chest twinges when Carisi goes to answer a call. He feels the way he longs for another body when he goes to bed on nights alone, him in his own room and Alice in the next. He even picks up on the way he spends fewer and fewer nights alone.

It begins as drinks, a few days a week. Two days. Then three. Four.

And then it’s every night after work, when the alcohol sooths them both and makes the heat of Carisi’s sheets that much more inviting. Allowing them to figure out all the different ways they can pleasure one another with their mildly lowered inhibitions.

And then it’s not drinks. It’s dinner. It’s takeout eaten on Carisi’s couch while wearing comfy clothes, which get worn to bed too. Long arms close around the Sergeant’s waist and warm breath washes over the back of his neck.

Mike is a bright guy. He graduated top of his class from the academy. He placed fourth on the Sergeants exam. He takes pride in his intellect, but his emotions have never been his strong suit. They’re doused in alcohol and buried under paperwork, not to be seen or heard from until it’s convenient, and it’s never convenient.

It happens on a lazy night. It’s after eleven, but they’ve only been back a half hour, a case keeping them there late. The TV is playing a movie and Sonny’s talking over it, telling Dodds about the time his dad lost their snow blower in the middle of the first blizzard of the season, but Mike’s not listening. He spaced out some time after “he checked everywhere”. His brain is too busy thinking five different things at once.

_Are his eyes always that blue?_

_How many of my suits are folded up in his top dresser drawer?_

_I can’t believe he can eat and talk at the same time without looking like a pig._

_Are my brown shoes here or at my place?_

_Wow, he looks really nice in red. He should wear red more often. I’ll get him something red for Christmas. God, is that only a month away? Well, a month and a week. Where did September go?_

“Mike?”

The dark haired man blinks and tightens his grip on his forgotten chopsticks. “Sorry, what?”

“After all that, he remembered he loaned it to our neighbor because his shed was sturdier than ours.”

“Oh” he chuckles “wow, all that worry for nothing.”

“Yeah, you okay? Kinda zoned out on me there.”

“I am, I’m fine, just…”

Sonny’s waiting, half of his mouth turned up in a second-natured smile, leaving one of his eyes more open than the other. His gelled back hair leaves his face completely in view, and his chin is speckled with stubble. The warmth in Mike’s chest flexes it’s muscles, hitting him like an unexpected wave. Before he can think better, Mike sets his container and utensils down on the coffee table and closes the distance between them on the couch.

Sonny’s mouth moves with his, opening after a few tentative licks to his lips. These are not the kisses they share in the heat of the moment, with nibbling and sucking, the kind of kisses that leave both of their lips red. And it’s not the lazy kind that get exchanged early in the morning before one of them has to leave. This one is sweet, gentle, careful.

Both sides of Sonny’s mouth pull up, reducing how much of the blue in his eyes Mike can see. “What was that for?”

“I love you.” He blurts out, trying to hold his face neutral. But his eyes betray him, and so do the worry lines around his mouth. His pulse rises the longer the seconds stretch on, his gaze fixed on Sonny.

One of his hands reaches up to rest over the one Mike has on his neck still from the kiss.

“You love me?” His voice is low. Mike nods, not trusting his voice to speak. Sonny rests their foreheads together.

“I love you too.”

****

“Mike?” Sonny asks, playing with his lover’s fingers.

“Yeah?” He replies, nuzzling closer. The room is pitch black, but Mike can feel Sonny in every place their bare skin is pressed together.

“Did you always want to be a cop?”

“Noooo, not at all.” Mike answers emphatically, shaking his head. “No, no I didn’t want to be a cop for a long time.”

“Seriously? So what’d you want to be when you were a kid?”

“What did you?”

“Well I always wanted to be a cop. But as I got older I figured out I wanted to be a lawyer too. And I couldn’t really pick between the two, so, here we are. Now you.”

“Okay…well…I wanted to be a lot of things when I was a kid.”

“How about you tell me what the first thing was that you wanted to be.”

Mike smiles in the darkness and presses closer into Carisi’s back. “The first thing I ever wanted to be was a farmer.”

“You’re kidding.” Sonny chuckles. “You’re telling me that little Mike Dodds wanted to be a farmer?”

“He sure did. I liked animals, I loved playing in the dirt, and I figured being a farmer would let me be in the sun all day. It was my dream until I was probably eight.”

“Damn. What’d your old man think of that?”

“He never said. I’m sure he was happier when I switched to the ‘I want to be a cop like my dad’ ideology instead.”

Carisi grazes a finger over the lines of Mike’s well defined forearm, still resting around his waist. “What about now? Still wanna be a farmer?”

“Not now that I know what it’s like. You hear horror stories about how poorly farmers are treated, and it’s heartbreaking to hear about them being foreclosed on. Which seems to be all you ever hear about. ”

“Oh come on, you’re telling me it’s not possible that life could be a little like what younger you imagined it to be?”

“I highly doubt it. Young me imagined farming as all fun and games. Just taking care of horses, milking cows, planting seeds one at a time, and…”

Sonny waits before squeezing his hand. “And?”

“And a nice guy to help me out with it all. One that, at the end of the day, would go to sleep with me and hold me so I wouldn’t be afraid.”

“Wow. So you knew, like, real early.”

“Sure did.” His voice flattens.

“Did you ever tell anyone?”

“No, no, no, not at all. My parents would’ve been so disappointed.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely. I remember, really vividly, when I was maybe six I said something about marrying a nice boy and my mom corrected me. She said ‘no sweetie, you’re confused, you get to marry a girl when you grow up.’ And that alone confused the hell out of me.”

“Still, that was so long ago. You don’t think they’d understand now?”

He’s quiet for a longer stretch this time. Mike nuzzles into his neck, just enjoying the feel of his cheek conforming to Sonny’s body.

“I don’t know. But I don’t trust them enough to try.”

“I’m sorry. I’m in the same boat as you there. My family…”

Mike sighs and presses a kiss to Carisi’s shoulder, just letting the weight of their reality settle against them. It’s quiet for long enough that each one thinks the other is asleep.

“We could just not tell them.” Carisi finally says.

“How?” Mike asks, and it’s a real question tinged with real pain.

“I mean, not for nothing, but that farm thing is a good idea.”

“What?”

“Just hear me out. Get a place upstate, right? They’ll never see us, they’ll never have to know.”

“What are you going to do on a farm?”

“I mean, we don’t both have to be farmers. Maybe I spend time working at the local police station. Or maybe you do. Or maybe I’m the town lawyer. Farm towns are small towns, right? That’s how it works? That’s how TV always made it look.”

The words breathe new life into young Michael’s ideas about farm life.

“You make it sound like a total dream.”

That’s what he dreams about that night. Finally, a face is put on the man that’s there with Mike on his imaginary farm.

Sonny’s there to offer Mike iced tea on a scorching summer day, and to sit with him in the shade of their farmhouse, just getting a moment’s relief from the beating rays.

Sonny’s there with Mike, riding horses around the farm while sun sets and a cool breeze floats through.

Sonny’s there when it’s time for them to go to bed, and every night he wraps his arm around Mike. Because, even though he won’t admit it to another living soul, Mike is more afraid of the dark as an adult than he was as a child.

Now Mike knows what’s really hiding out there, just waiting for him to let his guard slip.

****

 “Aw, look at this, you bought the fresh lasagna noodles.” Sonny admires the package he removes from the grocery bag.

“I chose right?” Mike asks.

“Sure did.” Sonny leans over the kitchen table and plants a kiss on his lips. When he’s pulling away, he spots something. He plucks a box out of another bag. “What’s this? Hair dye? I didn’t need this for the lasagna.”

“No? You didn’t ask for black hair dye to add into the lasagna?” Mike asks, and takes the box back. “Actually it’s dark brown.”

“What’re you friggin’ doing with hair dye anyway?”

“You think my hair is this color naturally?” Mike gestures to his hair absently while unbagging the rest of the groceries.

 “Kinda, yeah. Why do you dye your hair?”

“Because it’s grey underneath. I don’t want to look old.”

“Oh yeah?” Carisi scoffs and pushes up the sleeve of his Fordham sweatshirt. “What’s that make me?”

“More confident than me.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Sonny sets the wooden spoon he uses to lightly stir some sauce aside and goes back over to him. “Why shouldn’t you be confident?”

“It was a joke.”

“I didn’t think it was funny.” Sonny touches his cheek. “Seriously, why don’t you feel confident? You’re absolutely freaking gorgeous, you have nothing to worry about.”

A reluctant smile. “You have to say that.”

“I don’t have to say a damn thing. But it’s true. Have you even seen you? I mean, hell, I can feel your abs through all four layers of our clothing.”

That earns him a laugh, and Mike rests his arms around his lover’s waist, pulling him closer. “How charming. But I can’t just work out more to make my grey hairs go away.”

“Who gives a fuck about grey hair? Everyone over, like, thirty has ‘em. Besides, anyone who says you look old is out of their head.”

Mike shrugs. “It’s just easier this way. Besides, it’s all part of a good first impression. My dad always says, you can’t take back a first impression.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Fathers say a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should listen to all of it.”

Mike averts his gaze, instead letting his head rest on Sonny’s shoulder. A hand strokes through his hair.

“Is this because he dropped by today?”

His broad shoulders, the ones that Carisi almost matches with his own, lift in a shrug.

“Did he say something to you?”

“Asked me who I was spending all my time with lately. Why I wasn’t returning his calls.”

“So…Alice?”

The hand rubbing Mike’s back coaxes out a sigh. “I said we were trying to make things work. That she was living with me again.”

Sonny throws out a few answers, still stroking his lover’s hair, the softness tickling between his fingers. “I mean…it’s not a total lie.”

“She’s my friend and my roommate. Why should she have to be my beard too?”

“She understands.”

Mike pulls away and sits down on the table, where there aren’t groceries. “And you?”

“What ‘and you’? I understand. Things are still new, no use in getting him all wound up over this.”

“That’s the diplomatic answer.”

“Mike-“

The older man shakes his head and drops his gaze again, looking down at his hands. Sonny takes them into his own, squeezing them, making the feeling in Mike’s chest shudder.

“Tell you what: I’ll help you with the hair stuff if you finish up ironing the shirts while I make dinner. That sound fair to you?”

Mike nods, and stands up. Sonny pulls him in for a quick, sweet kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

****

Mike takes a sip of his cocoa, and he’s relived when he finds it’s no longer scalding.

“See? Told you that milk cubes were a good idea.” Sonny gloats. Mike uses his thumb to wipe chocolate from the corner of his lovers lips before popping it into his own mouth.

“You were right, I’ll give you that.”

“But first I have to give you this.” Sonny picks out a flat box from under his half of their small tree and hands it over.

 “Okay, wait” Mike looks over at his half and scans the pile for a box almost the same size, and hands it over. Sonny laughs when he sees the box under the wrapping paper.

“Did we really go to the same tailor?”

Mike’s confusion passes, and he nods. “Looks like it.”

Sonny’s shirt is red. It makes the blue in his eyes pop when he holds it up against himself.

Mike’s is a deep jade, darker than any of the other shirts he wears to work by a country mile, and it brings out his light green eyes.

The rest of their gifts are the same level thoughtful, Mike getting Sonny a whole bunch of new books and Sonny giving Mike new copies of his old favorites, so now he’ll have to read them. There’s a few more clothing items, and a few CD’s even though they’re pretty sure neither of them owns a CD player.

“Wait, one more.” Sonny insists when Mike goes to get up.

“What? You still have more?”

“Just the one.” Sonny answers, and hands him another flat box.

“Aw, I’m sorry babe, I don’t have another to give you.”

“Please, don’t worry about it. It was bought on a whim. Just open it.”

Mike tears open the paper, then opens the plain box underneath, when he clears the tissue paper, his face pulls into a smile. Out of the box he pulls a red flannel shirt, very akin to something a farmer might wear. He can’t resist pulling the thing on over his clothes, and he can feel it’s a size or two bigger than he’d normally wear.

“So?” Sonny’s wearing a satisfied grin. Mike sits up on his knees and leans over for a kiss.

“I love it. So much. Now I’ll have something to wear when the bank comes to foreclose on us.”

Sonny laughs and smacks his shoulder, all firm muscle underneath both shirts. “Don’t be so negative. Besides, we’re smart enough to load up in the middle of the night and disappear, aren’t we?”

“I’m not sure the animals will be too cooperative, but you give it your best shot.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “You suck.” He says before leaning in for a kiss. Mike laughs against his lips, enjoying the warmth. Enjoying their time together, before Sonny has to leave for his family celebration in Staten Island and Mike has to meet his father for their obligatory Christmas dinner.

Before they have to hear people trying to set them up on blind dates, not knowing that’s the last thing either man needs.


	2. January through March, 2016

There’s some distance between Mike and the pain after he’s given a Vicodin to choke down. It tires him out, more than the day itself already has, and makes it impossible to sit up in the hospital bed.

But he smiles when Carisi comes in, even though he looks upset.

“You okay?” He asks, sitting on the chair next to the bed.

“I’ll be fine. Nothing a little PT won’t fix.” Mike looks up into his eyes. “Looks like you’re stuck cooking for a while, huh?”

He lets out a small chuckle and lightly brushes back the hair hanging over his forehead.

“Really? Your adventure in trying to make Shake ’n’ Bake didn’t answer that for us?”

“Hey, those directions…very confusing.”

The tangled words from Mike’s mouth are enough to make Sonny’s pull up into a smile. It’s still there when the door opens, and he pulls away to sit back in his seat.

“Look at this, half a year at SVU and he’s already taken a bullet.” Liv comments, standing next to Sonny and resting a hand on Dodd’s good shoulder. “How’re you holding up?”

“They gave me a Vicodin, I’m not feeling anything.”

“I’m sure. How long until they let you go?”

“I don’t” Mike tries to shrug, but the stab of pain reminds him not to. “Ow.”

"Don't worry Lieu, I'll stick around and make sure the Serge gets home."

"You sure, Carisi?" 

"Sure, no problem." He offers her a slight smile as reassurance. 

Mike's a bit out of it from the drugs kicking in, but still knows enough not to say anything until they're alone again. 

"I'm...I’m sorry...I thought detective Lindsay had my back."

"Don't." Sonny takes the hand attached to his good shoulder and squeezes. "You survived. Don't apologize for that."

He sighs and lies back against the raised part of the bed. "God, I just wanna go home."

"Don't worry, I'll get you home Mike, you can rest soon."

Sonny drives them back to the city in a squad car, being extra careful so he doesn't wake Mike with a pothole or an unnecessarily sharp turn. Not until they're at the depot, when he has to wake Mike and switch him into a cab. His hair is a mess, his eyes are adorned with dark purple bags and he looks ready to fall right back to sleep. 

"Seventh and twenty eighth" Sonny tells the cabby. Mike makes a noise that gets Sonny to look at him. "What?"

"I thought...home..."

"Yeah, home. Your home, right?"

"No, home home. Home, your home." He blinks tiredly, his face confused. "That's okay, isn't it?"

Sonny's glad for the low light, hiding the way he tears up. 

"Of course it is."

****

Mike’s jolted awake by the pain in his shoulder, not helped by his sitting straight up in bed. He’s dazed, adrenalin pumping through him, sweat clinging to his skin.

And he’s in the dark. Alone. He tries to call out, but his words are trapped by his cotton mouth. He chokes on words, where they collect in his throat and push out of his eyes in the form of tears. His jaw trembles, and he hides his face underneath his good hand. He weeps, low enough that he can’t be heard through the bathroom door.

When it opens, a strip of soft light brings Mike out of the pitch blackness. He lifts his head, revealing a tear stained face to his boyfriend’s dismay.

“Mike!” Sonny gasps and goes to his side on the bed. His good arm wraps around Sonny while the injured one throbs in pain. “Aw, Mike it’s okay, it’s okay. Shh, don’t cry, don’t cry.”

Mike cries anyway, his face pressed into his lover’s still damp skin.

“Hang on, let me get you a pill to calm that down.” Sonny disappears from underneath his touch. Mike’s hand closes around his wrist, his grip crushing.

“Ow, fuckin- Mike, let go, that hurts.”

“N-N-No” He stammers out, his voice rough. Sonny manages to flick on the lamp light, warding off the darkness and relieving Mike some. Now Sonny can really see how broken up he is, his face covered in sweat as well as tears.

“Mike, honey, it’s okay. I’m here.”

“Y-You…”

“I know, I know, I left.” He settles down with him again. “I’m sorry I left you alone. I’m sorry you got scared.”

Finally, Mike releases his grip on his boyfriend’s wrist and wipes his nose with his sleeve, and no wonder he’s so freaking hot. He went to bed wearing a shirt and a sweatshirt.

“Is it your shoulder? Does your shoulder hurt?”

Mike nods, though the pain radiates its way into his neck too.

“I’m sorry, baby. Just stay right here, okay? I’ll be right back, I’m going to get your medicine.”

He nods again, his tears calmed. In the light of the bedroom, Mike can see past what he dreamt up. His heartrate slows to normal, and so does his breathing. Sonny returns with a painkiller and a bottle of Gatorade, and Mike would chug it if the liquid didn’t sting on the way down. A gentle hand rests on his scalp, ruffling his sweaty hair, soothing his skin.

“Better?”

“Better.” Mike agrees, his voice coming through this time. He can clear his throat. “I…I just…you know, I had a nightmare.”

“Aw damn, that sucks.” Sonny kisses his temple. “It’s okay, it wasn’t real.”

Mike looks at him, and he feels an echo of the fear he had while asleep. He can see on Sonny’s forehead where Rudnick’s bullet entered his skull. He shivers, and an arm wraps around his shoulders.

“It’s okay, Mike. You’re safe. We’re safe. Is that pill working yet?”

“I guess.”

“Here.” Sonny gets him to drink a little more before laying him back in bed. A panic bubbles in his chest when Sonny gets out of bed.

“Where’re you going?”

Sonny turns back to Mike, in the middle of undoing his robe. “Getting ready. For work.”

“Oh…right…” His voice drops, and he pulls the blanket further up over his chest.

Sonny comes back to bed and climbs beneath the covers, pulling him close. Mike’s eyes close.

 _I can’t lose you_ Mike thinks before drifting off again under the pill’s sedative qualities.

****

Sonny’s nerves are frayed in the days leading up to his birthday, as he’s still recovering from the whirlwind that was the Bobby D’Amico case. But his birthday falls on a Sunday this year, and it means he can sleep in.

Which he does. He sleeps in past noon, and even then he’s only awoken by a warm slickness wrapped around his morning wood. He moans awake, one of his hands finding their way into his boyfriend’s hair. His hips move without his permission, and he moans when he feels the sensation of his orgasm building. It takes so little to push him over, so the image he gets of his lover pleasuring him is more than enough.

“Morning.” Sonny pants, his gaze half lidded when Mike kisses his neck.

“Happy birthday.” He murmurs against Sonny’s pulse, and sucks another kiss into the skin. Sonny chuckles, reaching around to ruffle his hair again.

“So far it is. Best one I’ve had in years.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sonny pulls him over for a proper kiss, and he can still taste the sharp tang of himself on his lover’s tongue.

“Well you deserve it.”

“I deserve a neck full of your hickies too, too bad I’m crap with makeup.”

They share a laugh, and another kiss, and Mike’s arms close around him, tighter than they used to.

“I wish we didn’t have to get out of bed.” Mike says against his neck.

“Do we? Because that’d be a real great birthday gift. Just you and me in bed…all day…”

Sonny feels the way Mike shivers at the thought. “That’s tempting. But you have to go out today.”

“Do I?” it’s a challenge. Mike quirks a smile.

“I think you do. Your mom’s been texting you, asking when you can come over.”

Sonny groans. “Aw hell…mom’s not exactly someone you can blow off, is she?”

“I mean, she is the only reason you’re here.”

He sighs. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m gonna tell her two, think that leaves me enough time?”

“I think so.” Mike agrees, keeping his place cuddled up to Sonny even when he reaches for his phone. He stops mid text.

“What if you tagged along?” Sonny asks. Mike turns his head up.

“What?”

“I’m just saying, what if you came with me?”

“You know I’d love to meet your family. It’s just…do you really wanna blow things up on your birthday?”

“What? They wouldn’t have to know. I could just say you’re my friend.”

“Your parents might buy it, but your sisters?”

Sonny chews on his cheek. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s gonna be a nice day, I don’t want to blow it up.”

Mike pecks his cheek. “But it’s okay, because it’ll give me plenty of time to set up.”

“Set up?”

“You know, dinner. I figured we could have a nice evening together.”

“Any evening with us together is a nice evening.”

“Unless we’re fighting.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “That was a spat at most. Over laundry detergent. I don’t think that counts.”

“It felt like a fight.” Dodds mutters, and a hand ruffles his hair.

“Well I’m over it. That was weeks ago. I’m sticking by my statement that nights with you are better than nights without.”

“When was the last time we had one of those?”

“Not sure. We’ve had one this year, I’m pretty sure- no, I’m completely sure because I slept in your plaid shirt for the night.”

“I can see why, it’s very comfortable.”

“Isn’t it?” Sonny asks.

“It is. I wore it while I was recovering from the shooting, remember? One of the most comfortable things I own.”

“I figured it needed to be. Why be uncomfortable _and_ depressed about the farm being foreclosed on?”

Mike laughs and pushes him, just barely. “If you’re going to make it to your parents by two, you should probably go shower now.”

****

“Oh, happy birthday Sonny.” His mom hugs him one more time. “It was so nice seeing you.”

“Nice seeing you too mom. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Hopefully. And give some thought to calling that girl Ann Marie, will you?”

“I will Ma, love you.” He pecks her cheek before heading out into the cold. He waits until he’s on the ferry to text Mike.

-On way. Just got on the ferry. Please don’t burn down the apartment.-

-That’s mean. Still, see you soon. Love you.-

Sonny giggles at the words on his screen. –Love you too.-

He’s bubbly the whole way home, even when someone’s toddler starts screaming halfway there. Nothing can dampen his mood. When he walks through the apartment door, he’s greeted by candle light, soft music, and his boyfriend stood in front of him in dress slacks and the other shirt he was given for Christmas.

“Wow…” Sonny beams. “Look at this.”

“Happy birthday.” Mike’s arms close around Sonny, warming him up.

“I’m impressed. And it smells great in here- did you cook?”

“The good people at your favorite steakhouse cooked, but I’ll take credit for reheating it.”

Sonny chuckles. “You’re too much.”

But he’s not. He’s just enough. The evening is perfect, with low music playing as they eat and talk and laugh.

“What is this music anyway?” Sonny asks when he hears a song that sounds like a soft ballad but is actually a rap.

“It’s one of my Spotify playlists.” Mike answers.

“Seriously? Since when do you listen to hip hop?”

“When I work out. The slow songs sap my hype, but they’re nice to just listen to.”

Sonny nods along. “I guess so. Kinda makes me want to dance.”

“You want to dance?” Mike’s already getting up. Sonny laughs.

“You’re serious?”

“Why not? You’ve got music, enough space, and a willing dance partner right here.”

Sonny concedes, and takes Mike’s hand just as the song playing winds down, and another begins. Sonny lets Mike lead. The only thing he’s worrying about is the way their foreheads rest together and how warm their mingling breath is. Sonny’s eyes are closed, so he doesn’t see the way Mike is gazing at him.

He does when his eyes open, and he feels his face stretch into a smile.

“What?” Sonny asks, the arm around Mike’s waist tightening.

The blue of his eyes is entrancing, and his smile illuminates them further.

“I want to marry you.” Dodds murmurs. Sonny’s feet stop, and his eyes widen. Mike’s green eyes glimmer in the candle light.

“I’m not saying today or tomorrow or next week. But…someday in the next few years. When things are less crazy, we can settle down together.”

Mike searches his shocked face for an ounce of reaction, good or bad, which he doesn’t seem to be getting.

“I know it’s fast, I do. It’s just that…nobody’s ever made me feel as safe or as loved as you have. You’re special. I haven’t been able to imagine my future without you since we met and I don’t want to.”

Sonny gazes into his boyfriend’s eyes, their foreheads still resting together.

“I’d love that. I’d love if we got married down the line, I would. It’s just, how would we handle that?”

Mike shrugs. “I don’t want us to hide forever. And if people have a problem with us? Who cares? We don’t need them anyway.”

Sonny’s smile widens, and he pulls Dodds tighter.

“Worst comes to worst, we end up moving to the farm.”

“Why does it have to be the worst? Hell, we could live on a farm if we wanted to, it doesn’t have to be because we’re hiding.”

“I guess you’re right. It could just be because we’re happier there. If that’s what you want.”

“I’m okay as long as I’m with you.” He leans down and kisses Mike, enjoying the feel of their breath so close together.

 _Because we’re safer there._ Mike thinks.

****

“Carisi, your birthday was yesterday?” Liv announces to the whole bullpen. He looks up and smiles.

“Sure was.”

“Well damn, happy birthday.” Amanda says, Liv and Fin echoing the sentiment.

“Thanks guys.”

“Dodds, aren’t you going to wish Carisi a happy belated birthday?” Liv asks when he doesn’t look up from his computer. He blinks.

“Oh. Right. Happy birthday Carisi.”

“Thanks Serge.”

“Did you do anything fun for your birthday?” Amanda asks, and Carisi can’t help his widening smile.

“Yeah, I had a good day. Turning thirty six isn’t a huge deal, but it was still nice.”

“Get any good gifts? Like maybe some hair dye?” Amanda teases. Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Not everyone decides to keep their blonde through hair dye, Rollins.”

Fin, Liv, and Dodds laugh at that one.

“What’s so funny, Sergeant?” She shoots back, but he just shakes his head.

“Nothing.”

“Say what you want, it’s hard for women-“

“I know, I know.” Sonny cuts in. “Guys get a little grey and people say ‘oh, he looks distinguished’ but with women it’s ‘oh, she looks old.’”

“I gotta go with Carisi on this one though, keepin’ things natural makes it easier.” Fin speaks up.

“Oh, so you’re naturally almost bald?” Amanda asks. Before he can answer, the phone rings, and Fin answers it. “How convenient.”

“Got a case?” Dodds asks when Fin’s off the phone.

“Sure do. C’mon birthday boy, lets roll.”

_Really? Does he have to?_

“Am I gonna hear that all day?” Sonny asks, already pulling on his jacket.

“Nah, I’ll get bored of it soon.”

“Oh, I’m not putting all my eggs in that basket.” Sonny jokes, and shoots a smile at the rest of his squad before they slip out. A while goes by before Dodds drops into Liv’s office, giving her what she asked for earlier.

“Thanks. Hey Dodds? You got a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“You wanna shut the door?” She asks, and he does.

“Do you have a problem with Carisi?”

He raises his eyebrows. “No, I don’t. Does it seem like I do?”

“A little. What with your not wishing him happy birthday.” She pauses to see if he’ll speak. “And you don’t like it when he goes on calls.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You get this face on. You’ve never noticed?”

He blinks a few times, and shakes his head. “I hadn’t. But I’m glad you said something. I’ll be more aware of my attitude with Carisi.”

“That’s why I mentioned it.”

He nods, then turns his head when he hears the door open.

“Am I interrupting?” Barba asks.

“Not at all.” Liv says. “Just talking. What’re you doing here?”

“Was in the neighborhood, thought I’d stop in to see what’s up.”

“Not much right now. But stick around so you can wish Carisi a happy birthday when he gets back.”

“Carisi’s birthday? What is he now, thirty?”

“Thirty six.” Mike answers. Barba glances over.

“It was rhetorical, Sergeant. I suppose I could hang around and let him chew my ear off about Fordham law for a few minutes before asking him to shut up.”

Liv chuckles.

“Some of his ideas are rather insightful. You might benefit from listening to him once in a while.”

“Are you giving me legal now too, Sergeant?”

“No, I’m simply pointing out that his law studies have made him a better cop, and often his ideas are worth hearing.”

“He makes sure I hear them. Every time. And when he has a good idea, I let him know. If they happened more often, I would tell him more often.”

Mike swallows back the nasty comment in his throat and lets him go on and on to Liv about something, waiting since he hasn’t been dismissed.

“Trying to prove a point?” Liv asks after Barba leaves.

“No, I wasn’t trying to. I was just reminding Barba that non-Harvard educated lawyers are worth listening to as well.”

“I know he’s rough, but he did help Carisi study for the Bar. Trust me, I think he knows.”

_Yes, but you’re saying this to the person who helped him study every night._

****

“And then she asks me if I have a problem with you.”

“Huh.” Sonny says, looking away from the muted TV. “What’d you tell her?”

“I said I didn’t realize that I was being disrespectful to you, all because I blew off saying happy birthday to you- Don’t say it. Please.”

Sonny laughs. “I wasn’t gonna. She just didn’t know you’d already said happy birthday to me. And made it the best one I’ve had in years.”

He leans over and kisses Mike, then sighs contently when he pulls away.

“You still mean what you said yesterday?”

“Every word of it.”

“Even the ‘m’ word?”

“Especially that one.” Mike scoots closer and kisses his temple. The same one he’s had too many nightmares about having a hole blown into.

****

Sonny comes into the living room after cleaning up dinner. With the dishes done and nothing to study for anymore, he’s actually a little bored. Coupled with being home so early, he’s not sure what to do. So he flicks on the TV while Mike scrolls through on his computer, occasionally typing something.

When Sonny gets bored of the television he moves from the recliner to the sofa and looks over his boyfriend’s computer, and a smile pulls over his face.

“You’re actually looking at farms?”

Mike looks over and shrugs, smiling back. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“So you really could see yourself doing that? Just ditching the city and moving out to the country?”

“I really could.”

“Wow.”

“Wow what?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know a farm fit in with your five year plan.”

“God, if I have to hear about that _stupid_ five year plan one more time- You know he brought it up the day he ambushed me at physical therapy?“

“When he mentioned Joint Terrorism. You told me.”

He sighs and rests his head back. “It’s not my five year plan, you know. It’s his five year plan for me. That’s all it is.” 

“What, don’t you want to be a Lieutenant?”

“Well the pay is better, the benefits are too, but that’s about it. I’m not rearing to get promoted.”

“Don’t you like being a cop?”

“I do, but there’s a limit. At a certain point you just get sick of it all. I did the military thing, I did the cop thing, I’ve had my fill of excitement. Maybe settling down is the right thing for us.”

“For us?” Sonny asks. Mike blinks a few times.

“Or…you know…for me. I know, I know, I do that a lot just assuming what you want to do with your life is going to match up with mine.”

“Hey, it’s alright. ‘Sides, I like hearing you talk about us like that.”

Mike presses a kiss to his cheek and leans his head on Sonny’s shoulder while he keeps scrolling. Only to be interrupted by his phone ringing. Sonny reaches over when he thinks it’s his own, then picks up Mike’s and hands it to him.

“It’s Alice.”

“Huh.” Mike answers. “Hey Alice, what’s up?”

“It’s your dad.”

“What about my dad?”

“He’s here, he’s waiting for you. I told him you just ran out to get something.”

Mike sighs and unwinds himself from Sonny’s body. “Fine, I’m on my way. Did you say what I was picking up?”

“If he asks just say they didn’t have it.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right there Alice.”

Carisi watches him go, not even bothering to sigh.

“Speaking of ambushes, guess who came to ‘visit’ me.”

Sonny chuckles. “Surprised?”

“More like annoyed. But it’s a good thing, I haven’t gotten my mail in a few days and I need some more clothes.”

“Hell, how many more clothes you got Mike?”

Mike laughs. “What? You’ve got clothes hanging up that I know you don’t wear.”

“Fine. I swear, when your looking at farms make sure the houses on ‘em have more closet space.”

“I’ll add that to the checklist.” Mike leans in for a kiss, and his lover kisses him back. He nips at the other man’s lip before pulling back, reminding him just what he’s coming back to. He gets himself together, but he stops once he has his coat on, just letting his gaze rest on Sonny where he’s laid on the sofa.

Sonny notices after a minute of him there, and pulls himself up.

“Mike?”

“Huh?” He blinks a few times.

“You’re wearing your bombshell face. Wanna tell me what that’s about?”

He chuckles. “My what now?”

“You know, that face you make when you’re thinking real deeply and carefully about some huge thing that you wanna say. What is it?”

He sighs a little and comes back to the sofa, pushing Carisi’s legs over for space. “I think…I think I’m going to take the joint terrorism job.”

“Yeah?” Sonny nods, unsurprised. “You think it’s the right move?”

“I do. I think I’m going to tell my dad tonight.”

“If that’s what you think is the right thing to do.” Sonny pushes himself up and puts a hand over Mike’s. “You’re sure? ‘Cuz I wouldn’t tell him if you’re not sure.”

Dodds looks at Carisi, and he feels a sharp pang of worry in his chest.

_You can’t wait around to protect him._

“I think I am. It’s going to be easier.”

“What is? Going for Lieutenant?”

“No, I mean, with us. I think it’ll be easier. Then we won’t have to worry about being found out.”

“And you won’t have to watch me go after criminals all day.”

His hand flexes around Sonny’s. “I worry.”

“And I don’t? You got shot. And it’s likely to happen again.”

“You’re saying I shouldn’t transfer?”

“Well of course I don’t want you to transfer. At SVU I can keep an eye on you, be there if something happens.”

“But it’s the right thing for me to do, isn’t it?”

“You’ve obviously thought about this a lot, Mike. You’re real bright. If you feel good about taking this job and you know it’s the right choice, I’m a hundred percent in your corner.”

Mike nods, and leans his head on his shoulders. “This is the right thing. For us. For me. Sooner I’m Lieutenant sooner I can retire.”

“Don’t let your dad in on that.”

“Why should I? That’s the sixth year of the five year plan.”

****

 The weeks Carisi spends in the cold are hell, but the few days between his return and Dodds’s are a nightmare. He can’t sleep, he doesn’t feel like cooking for just himself, and his apartment is so empty without him. Dodds returns, duffle bag over his shoulder, an exhausted look on his own face.

Mike’s embrace is solid, crushing almost, refusing to let go of Sonny. They fall into bed, all the while saying how they missed each other and how they love each other. It’s the same desperate need they’re all too familiar with.

They hold onto each other, and any desire to sleep is staved off.

“How’d training go?” Sonny asks gently, his hand resting on his lover’s stubbly chin. He shrugs, while one of his fingers trace circles in his back.

“Fine. Company was terrible though.”

“Aw damn, that’s too bad. What went down?”

He shrugs. “You know how military guys can…be. They were saying things about… you know… ‘faggots’ this and ‘homos’ that, and they weren’t attempting any discretion. So I butted in and mentioned they repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell for a reason.”

“Oh no.”

“They didn’t do anything to me personally. Just said not to worry, since ‘faggots know their place.’”

“Goddamn. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were having a hard enough time being undercover, I didn’t need to bring you down any further.”

“Mike, come on.”

“I know. But I told you now, didn’t I?”

“You did.” Sonny pecks his lips. Mike pecks him back. A few times. Before he reaches over and grabs his phone so they can take a whole bunch of selfies.

“I swear, if anyone ever looks through your phone you’re going to have a hell of a time explaining all those.” Sonny says once the phone is set aside. Mike shrugs.

“Could be worse. Besides, it kept me together while we were apart.”

“You’re a sap.” Sonny teases, and pecks his nose. “But I’m glad it gave you something to hold onto.”

“I wish you had something like that too.”

Sonny shrugs. “I kinda did.”

Mike waits for him to go on. Sonny runs a hand through Mike’s hair.

“I was wearing a wedding ring. Part of my cover, y’know, that I had a wife who stuck by me through it all.” His face twists. “Anyway, everything else sucked, but I kinda liked the ring. Something I thought I could get used to.”

“Yeah? Think you can work it into your wardrobe?” Mike asks.

“I think so. It’s a good look. Y’know, with my human clothes, not my UC rags. Or with flannels and jeans, that works too.”

“It’d have to be simple to work with those.”

“Nothing fancy needed, just a plain silver band. Now if _you_ wanted a fancy ring, that’s another story.”

“Don’t waste your money. Plain silver is okay. It goes with everything, but still gets the message across.”

“Get the message across.” Sonny mutters, amused. “What’s the message? ‘Dad, stop trying to be my wingman?’”

“Does it look like I need a wingman?” Mike asks, and they both get a laugh before sharing another kiss.


	3. April through August, 2016

Carisi leans against his kitchen counter, aimlessly scrolling through Twitter when Mike enters. He looks up to see the older man dressed in only a lilac shirt, a purple striped tie, and his boxer briefs.

“What’re you doing?” Sonny asks, setting his phone down.

“I’m being indecisive. Help me pick out a suit.”

“You’re bad at distractions, you know that?”

“I’m not trying to distract you, I just want your opinion. I’ve got three suits here. Just indulge me with your fashion expertise, won’t you?”

“Fine.” Sonny watches him pull on a black jacket. Sonny considers it a moment, then shakes his head.

“Didn’t you wear that black suit, like, two days ago?”

“No, that was a different black suit.”

“We gonna split hairs?”

“Fine. No to the black.” Mike slips the jacket off and hangs it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs, and pulls on the deep brown one. Sonny shakes his head.

“I dunno, I’m not into brown on you. Try the grey instead.”

So he does, and Sonny takes the brown jacket off his hands so he can really assess the look.

“Oh yeah, that works. Why’re you so worried how you look, today?”

He shrugs and takes the discarded article from his boyfriend, then pecks his cheek. “Don’t want everyone judging me for that too after Liv drops the news on them.”

“You mean you don’t want them thinking you’re crazy?”

“You could say that.”

“I’d recommend some pants then.” Sonny says, and pinches some of the exposed skin on the back of his thigh, just below where his underwear ends. Mike lets out a squeak and jerks away.

“Alright, alright, if you insist.” Mike walks away, heading towards the bedroom.

“Uh, hello?” Sonny says, and Mike turns to him.

“What?”

“Your other suit jacket? Just gonna leave it there?”

“I don’t need it. It can sit there for a little while.”

“Can it?”

“If it bothers you so much, you put it away.”

“Hell no, I’m not your mother. I may wash and fold your shirts, but this is where I draw the line.”

“Have fun with that.”

“What’s with you? You’re being childish today.”

“You’re not thinking about getting your test results, are you?” Mike offers before disappearing into the bedroom. Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Well fuck, now I am.”

****

The bathroom fan is the soundtrack to their morning ablutions, since Mike showers every morning. The sound absorbs other noises like the click of caps, the twisting open of jars, the spritzing of perfumes, and the clatter of things being set down on the bathroom counter.

Sonny runs his comb under the scalding hot water coming out of the faucet, cleaning off the excess gel, before patting it on a towel and dropping it in his drawer. The faucet doesn’t quite drown out the fan, but it can definitely be heard, more easily than the sound of Mike’s toothbrush moving around in his mouth.

Sonny glances over after a few minutes to see he’s stopped in the middle of the very short process to pick up his phone and answer some messages. That earns him an eye roll before Sonny goes about tying his tie. When he looks up at the mirror to check how it looks, he sees Mike as well as the back of Mike’s phone. Sonny laughs.

“Really?”

Mike looks over and tries to say ‘what’ with his mouth closed around his toothbrush.

“Don’t” Sonny imitates the noise “me, you’re taking more selfies.”

Mike takes the toothbrush out of his mouth and spits into the sink, then shuts it off.

“What’s wrong with taking selfies? Come on, look at these, we look like the ‘before and after’ for a Men’s Warehouse commercial.”

“Oh, right, I forgot their slogan, “Our suits are so well fitted that you’ll lose twenty percent of your muscle mass.”

“See? You just gave me a caption for that picture. You know, in case I ever get an Instagram account and decide to post them.” 

“Speaking of clothes, what’re you wearing today?”

“I think I’m going to wear the grey suit again. But I’m going to rebel on my last day and not wear a tie.”

“Oooh, look at you, rebel without a tie. But seriously? You’re not thinking about maybe wearing the black suit? Maybe the one that half of has been sat in the kitchen for over a week now?”

“Consider it my decorative touch.”

“And consider this my annoyed touch.” Sonny reaches over and yanks the towel off of Mike’s hips, hoping for some sort of reaction. Instead he flashes him a smile.

“What? It’s just you that’s seeing me like this.” He puts a hand on his hip. “Still like what you see?”

“Like always.” He says, and leans in for a kiss that lasts a few seconds longer than it should. Sonny sighs against his lips. “We’re gonna be late.”

“So?” Mike presses his lips to Sonny’s jaw. “Today’s my last day. I can be late.”

“You’re awful.” Sonny laughs. “C’mon, we’re going to celebrate tonight, remember? Nice quiet dinner, then afterwards we’ll…you know…”

“I sure do.” He pulls away and looks up at Sonny. “Things are going to be better for us. You believe me, right?”

“Of course I do. I’ve got no reason not to.”

****

“Hey guys, that was Lisa Munson. We need to do a clothes job.”

“She’s leaving him.” Amanda clarifies.

“And he made bail?” Dodds asks.

“Yes, so she just needs a little support getting her out of there.”

“You want me to go with you?” Carisi asks.

 _No. Please no._ Dodds thinks.

“I’ll do it.” Fin offers.

“You know what? I’ll go.” Dodds sets his cup down, and he can feel the shocked look on Carisi’s face without seeing it.

“You’re packing up, it’s your last day.” Liv protests.

“A guy like that sees a Sergeant and a Lieutenant, he’ll listen.”

 _Bullshit_ Carisi thinks, and Dodds can practically hear it.

“You’re right.” Liv agrees, and she looks pissed about it. Mike turns his soft green gaze on the rest of the squad before looking at Carisi, a smirk pulling at his lips.

“Let’s get this over with.” He reaches over and gives Carisi’s arm a squeeze when he pats it, quick enough that nobody else will notice.

 _God, you’re so full of it_ Sonny thinks, pushing a laugh out of his nose and watching Mike go.

****

“How is he? How’s Dodds?” Sonny asks, still mid run, when he finds Liv.

“He took a bullet.” She answers, voice thick.

“How bad?” Amanda asks.

“Bad.”

_Bad._

_This is so bad._

_This is so fucking bad._

“All right, let’s go.”

****

“I’m O negative, that works. Where do I go?” Sonny’s moving before his sentence is finished.

“It’s right down the hall.”

Sonny’s sprinting before William can thank him. Amanda stalls, and passes a doctor in bloody hospital scrubs before she catches up to him.

***

For a few groggy seconds, Mike doesn’t know where he is. He can’t remember why he’s in pain. He just remembers the same thoughts he had before he went under.

His mother. His father. Matt. His squad.

Sonny.

Sonny’s face, pulled into his _you’re so full of it_ smile, the last time he saw him.

And then he remembers why he’s there.

“Lisa Munson” he coughs to anyone listening. His father’s voice answers.

And Mike admits what he regrets, while keeping to himself the one thing he doesn’t.

_Better me than Sonny._

And his father placates him. Mike’s too tired to focus on all of his words, too tired to really keep his eyes open.

“Whatever you say, Pop pop.” His eyes slide shut before he can see the shock on his face.

He makes a halfhearted joke about his mother, and he pretends to laugh at it himself.

“I haven’t been able to get ahold of her yet, but I spoke to Alice and she is on her way.”

Mike sighs. He’d forgotten about that. About his great, elaborate lie to his father.

“Oh, yeah.” He feigns a smile.

“Well you got lucky with that girl, son.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” He brushes off.

_I’ll tell him later. Not too much later. While he still feels bad for me._

He smiles up at his father, hiding his thoughts away for when he can actually focus.

****

It’s dark where Sonny finally settles down. He rests his head in his hands, waiting for the floodgates to open.

And, when they don’t, he starts praying his rosary, without actually using the beads in his pocket. He goes through the whole thing, while singular tears slip off of his face and hit the linoleum tile.

_I’m not with him, but I’m with him. I’m helping him._

The small patch of gauze taped to his inner elbow won’t let him forget.

“Hey” Rollins voice catches him at his last Amen, making him sit up. His back is sore from how long he’s been bent over, and he hopes the darkness conceals his grief.

****

“Start knocking down doors, all three of you. And please…wear your vests.”

“We’re on it, Lieutenant.” Amanda’s voice is low. Sonny turns, and his heart jumps into his throat when he sees her.

_Alice._

She comes over to Sonny, and his heart knocks against his chest, wondering if she really doesn’t know who he is.

“Do you know where I can find Lieutenant Benson?” She asks Rollins instead. His gaze follows her until it can’t anymore, without being obvious. His footsteps drag, hoping he’ll hear some sort of update by lingering.

****

“Mike.” A voice says, making his head roll over. “Look who I found.”

“Mike, hi.”

“Hey.” _Who is…? Oh…yeah…Alice…_ “Hey.”

“Oh my god…” She mutters, taking his hand between her own in a way she’s only ever done in front of his father or when they went to parties together. She moves her one hand to touch his shoulder, but it flinches away when she finds the bullet scar, moving over a little so she doesn’t have to feel it.

“I’m okay…I’m gonna be-“

“No, I know.” Her voice is shrill, like she actually cares.

“Lieutenant.” He waits until she’s near the bed. “I told you I was englazed. This is m-“

_Wait, this is Alice, right? This is her? This isn’t my sister…no, wait…no, that’s right, I don’t have a sister. No, this is fake fiancée Alice._

“my fi-“

“Fiancée.” The Lieutenant finishes his sentence.

_Wait…no, she has a name too…something with an L…or is that for Lieutenant?_

“Yeah.” He smiles it off.

He makes another joke, but this time she doesn’t laugh, so he tries to get the ball rolling with one of his own. Her face is so…stern…so serious.

_Li…Li…wait, no, that’s for Alice. No, she has a different name. L…Lieu? Lieu? Is that her name?_

He gazes at her, watching her wake up his dad while Alice tries to stroke his hair with one hand and hold his in the other. 

_Wait, what is she again? L…L…she’s a police officer. She is._

“Thanks, officer.”

Alice looks over, giving them a hurrying smile and a nod before they leave. The moment the door closes, her demeanor becomes even more panicked.

“Mike, where is your phone?” She enunciates her word. His face pulls confused.

“Yes, I need your phone. I need to call him for you, so he’ll be here with you. I need your phone and your password, Mike.”

“I…I don’t know…” His phone was in his pants, which are nowhere to be seen. _He’s here, just go get him._

“Okay, Mike then tell me where he lives, huh? Or just tell me his name.”

“Name…” he has to think. _She doesn’t know his name? I didn’t tell her his name just once? Wait…no…I couldn’t…just in case she slipped. Right?_

“Mike, I need you to tell me what his name is now.”

“It’s…it’s Sonny.” He admits.

“Yes, Mike, I know it’s bright in here, but you need to tell me his name. Please, you need to tell me his name now so I can go get him for you.”

“S-Sonny…” he stammers, searching for a last name. There’s another name too. A different name, but with some of the same sounds.

“Mike, please stay with me here. What’s his name? You can tell me, I need to know. Tell me his name.”

“S-Sonny” He coughs and blinks harder when his vision blurs, hoping she’ll understand. “Sonny.”

“Mike, please, stay with me…tell me…” She persists.

His vision hazes, and Sonny’s face is in front of his. His hair is long, down to the collar of his plaid shirt that’s open at the top. His face, that face that Mike knows like the back of his hand, is creased in worry.

He speaks, his mouth moves, but the words are jumbled and slurred, like they’re being said underwater.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asks, moving closer, like he might hear better. He shakes his head and looks down at a paper in his hand, and Mike picks out the word ‘eviction’, since all the other words are squiggles and lines.

“Is the farm moving?” Mike asks, looking for confirmation. The pain on his husband’s face doesn’t budge, and he says something with the same pained expression, but again it’s unintelligible.

“I’ll get the truck.” Mike tries, hoping it’ll ease his worry. Mike reaches out for him, but he can’t feel his arms. He’s being moved, but not on his own. Someone’s moving him.

But Sonny is still there, and now his eyes are tearing up. Mike looks for his tongue, but it’s heavy. The words are superglued to his pallet. He puts his hand in Sonny’s and squeezes.

“ Aw S-Sonny…” Mike stammers out, his tongue thick and his unseeing eyes sliding completely shut. “Sonny... say g’bye Sonny…”

“Oh no, no goodbye’s Mike.” Dr. Rosenthal insists just as the elevator doors ping open. His words fall on deaf ears. In the haze of his mind, behind his eyelids, all Mike sees is his Sonny’s bright, shining face. All blue eyes and unkempt blond hair, and behind him a deep orange sunset. Even though it’s pained, Sonny’s face pulls up in a smile and a hand rests on his cheek, warming him up some.

No darkness to be seen. Just plenty of light.

****

Mike’s eyes flutter when he hears the door sliding. The light, dim as it is, nearly blinds him before his eyes adjust to the glowing fluorescence. His brain throbs as he tries to orient himself in the room. It’s a long moment before he finds a form in his presence, and another before he recognizes it as Sonny. His smile appears, and he can feel himself lighting up, his headache being forgotten about already.

“Hey babe.” He says lazily.

“Hey yourself.” Sonny takes the seat next to his bed and puts his hand on Mike’s. With his tongue loosened by drugs, he lets out a little giggle.

“You finally came to see me…right? You haven’t been to see me yet, right?”

“No, I haven’t.” His voice is serious, and his other hand closes around Mikes, squeezing lightly.

“Don’t look so sad.” Mike comments, blinking at him. He moves to sit up, but the sharp pain in his stomach halts him, pushing him back onto the bed. The pain that follows in his head reaffirms his actions.

“I’m fine.” Sonny kisses the hand between his own before bringing it to his chest. “You gave us a scare, y’know that?”

“Huh?” He blinks, taking in the creases around his eyes and mouth that age him five years at least.

“You were talking crazy. Talking about the farm. You don’t remember that?”

He blinks around his bloodshot eyes a few times. “Uh…no. No, I don’t.”

“Well the doctor said you were suffering from oxygen toxicity. Apparently, your tank or tube or…something was leaking, and it was screwing with you or whatever. They’re going to keep a close eye on you now. But they were worried. Hell, they thought you were having a stroke or something.”

“Too much oxygen? Who ever heard of that?” Mike chuckles, then groans at the pain radiating through his abdomen. A hand pets his hair.

“Shh, don’t laugh. You’re gonna pop a stitch or something.”

“Oh man, really? I could pop a stitch from laughing? You should probably leave then.”

Sonny taps his shoulder. “Please.”

“And thank you.” Mike answers. Sonny gives him a look, and the injured man giggles again _._  “God, you’re so pretty…Are you sure we’re together?”

“Yeah Mike, I’m sure. But it’s a secret, remember?”

“Ohhhh.” He murmurs, looking away from Sonny and instead at the wall, like he’s disappointed.

“Did you forget that?”

“Yeah. I did.” He blinks a few times, the reality crashing back down on him and tightening around his neck. “So…Alice was here before, right? I didn’t dream that up?”

Sonny runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah babe, that’s right. She’s around.”

“Aw…okay…but they’re not going to send me home with her, right?”

Sonny’s returning smile is small. “No, they won’t. I promise.”

“Okay…okay…” Mike blinks a few times, before pulling the hand holding both of Sonny’s closer. “Stay with me, okay? Stay with me?”

“Yeah.” Sonny’s heavy voice replies. “I’ll stay with you. Promise.”

****

“Alright you guys, get him home safely.” The Chief says as Mike is loaded into the back of a cab, Sonny carrying his bags and Alice holding his hand.

“We will! I’ll let you know as soon as he’s home.” Alice smiles and waves to the older man before the door shuts. “Okay, where are we going?”

“Home.” Mike groans.

“Where is that, Mike? I don’t-“

Sonny blurts out an address, and the car begins to go. Alice looks over, and in an instant it all becomes clear. Mike rolls his head over to rest on the other man’s shoulder, who in turn finds Mike’s hand to hold.

“You?” She asks.

Sonny looks over after a moment, and nods. “Yeah, me. Why’d you think I’ve been hanging around the last eight days?”

She shrugs. “I thought you were just a cop buddy. Everyone calls you Carisi-“

“But when I met them I asked them to call me Sonny. They didn’t listen.”

“Huh…wow…how blonde can I be?” She asks, looking at the way they cuddle together, and the way Mike’s eyes slip shut.

 _Sonny_ she thinks, watching Mike press close enough to him that there’s actually space between his thighs and hers.  

****

Mike’s eyes follow Sonny as he returns, once again, to the living room. He can only watch since he can’t actually follow Sonny out of the room. Not unless Sonny feels like helping him.

“Alrighty, here we go, now we’re in business.” Sonny tucks a dark, knitted blanket in around Mike, taking the place of the cheap fleece. “How’s this? Better?”

“Mhm.” It’s an effort to get the words out, his brain adrift in Oxycodone. Sonny grins at the affirmation, and presses a kiss to his forehead.

“Alright, alright good. What else? You need anything else?”

“Just sit with me.” Mike gazes up at him, and Sonny’s heart warms.

“Aw, someone’s being a sap.”

“You’re making me nervous with all your moving around. Just…sit…please…” Mike yawns past the words.

Sonny abides, and sits with his arm around Mike. Mike lets his head rest on Sonny’s shoulder, while the bulk of the pain medication melts away, leaving him in the sweet spot where he can think without feeling like his ideas are just out of reach. He gets to the point where he can really feel Sonny’s thumb gently stroking against his cheek, but he doesn’t have to feel any pain yet.

“How’re you doing?” Mike asks gently, then clears his throat. “You’re doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’m doing a-okay babe.” He kisses Mike’s forehead again. “Don’t worry about me.”

“You’ve just been taking such good care of me. I wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m all good, Mike. I got you, I got my health, and I got a place to put my head at night.”

“But are you sure you’re okay?” Mike lifts his head to look at him. Sonny pulls back to meet his eye.

“You’re thinking something. Wanna tell me what that is?”

Mike swallows. “It’s just that…you know, the plan was for me to leave SVU and go Joint Terrorism so we could disclose, but I know-“

“Hey, Mike, babe c’mon, don’t with that. You’ve been through hell and back, we don’t need to worry about all this. I mean, you almost died.”

Mike would sigh if he didn’t know it would hurt. “I know. I almost died as your secret. I don’t want us to worry-“

“Stop, I’m not worried, you shouldn’t be worried.”

“But I am.” He tries to toughen up. “I’m scared something like this might happen again, and then what? What would happen if something happened to one of us?”

Sonny purses his lips together, staring off at the wall.

“I think you need to not think about things like that. We can worry about this later.”

“Can we?”

“Yeah Mike, we can. You’re still healing, don’t stress yourself out with this kind of stuff.”

Mike’s exhausted just from this bit of talking. He breathes in to sigh, but the air rushes out of him when he feels the pain in his abdomen.

“Okay.” He relents, already feeling his eyes heavy.

“Wanna go to bed?” Sonny asks, his fingertips grazing Mike’s neck. He shakes his head.

“I’m okay. Really. Just stay with me.”

“Promise.” Sonny’s grip on his shoulders tightens. Mike believes him.

****

“Well well well, look who’s back.” Naomi comments when she sees Mike limping in. “I heard you’d be coming back to us. What’d you do this time?”

“Oh he just pulled a muscle doing one too many crunches.” Sonny answers from his place next to Mike, holding him steady and upright, making sure he doesn’t fall.

“Yeah, sure, I believe that.” The woman laughs. “I’m sorry, you are?”

“Dominick Carisi Junior, call me Sonny.” He extends his usual greeting, and shakes her hand before helping Mike sit down. “I’m just heading out though. First session, probably just gonna be, what, a half hour today?”

“Forty minutes.” Naomi answers.

“Forty minutes. Alright, good to know. I’ll be back.” Sonny pats Mike on the shoulder, and flashes the physical therapist another smile before heading out.

“So, what happened to you this time?” She asks once she has Mike settled.

“Oh, you know. Work.”

“From what I heard you ran into another bullet.”

“Oh yeah? Who told you that?”

“Your father. He also told me you were engaged…didn’t say to who though.”

“Yeah. Her name is Alice.”

“Really? You’re sure his name isn’t Sonny?”

He puts on his best, most charming smirk. “I think I’d know, wouldn’t I?”

“Yeah…I guess you would. Well, lets see if we can get your six pack back in time for next swimsuit season.”

****

“I wish you didn’t have to go back tomorrow.”

“Me too. I’m still not comfortable with leaving you alone. I mean, what if something happens? What if you need help or something?”

“I can call Alice.”

“Alice can’t carry you.”

Mike blinks the water out of his eyes and looks up at Sonny through the filter of the spray. “Im worried for you.”

“I know, baby. But I’ll be fine. I promise.” Sonny pulls the shower head off the wall and hands it to Mike, letting him rinse his body off, directing the water onto skin that he knows won’t hurt. Sonny stands vigilant in the closed space, watching for cues that his help is needed. When the shower head is handed back to him, Sonny replaces it on the wall and goes about cleaning himself.

Mike is, normally, exhausted by the time his shower is over. Something about the heat and the water combined seems to wash away any of the energy he had left from that day. He’s so unused to showers sapping his power instead of energizing him, that by this time of night he’s usually on the verge of falling asleep. But today is different. Today Mike is feeling good from another successful round of physical therapy, and only having to take a quarter of an Oxycodone. Something in him is extra alert tonight.

Awake and aware, now, Mike can’t keep his eyes off his lover’s body. Every day for weeks he’s watched his lover shower off in front of him, but now he’s actually seeing what’s going on. He’s paying attention to the way Sonny’s body glistens underneath the water’s spray. He takes note of how it softens his hard plains, and his not so hard ones.

A hand slides down to touch himself. Just a squeeze. Just a feel. Just enough.

Only then he wants more. He can’t stop the way his body reacts, blood all flowing south. The moan that leaves Mike’s mouth is involuntary, and loud enough to make Sonny’s head turn while he’s mid soaping.

“Well, look who’s paying attention.” Sonny grins while his hands grope himself, spreading soap over his crotch and down between his legs. Mike stares openly, and bites down on the lip he doesn’t realize is caught between his teeth.

“Man, who knew you’d enjoy a good shower show?” He laughs and turns around again before bending over, spreading suds the rest of the way down his legs while leaving Mike a view that makes his brain spring into a dozen different thoughts.

He hisses, and forces the hand touching himself away before he can cum.

Sonny chuckles when he looks at his boyfriend again while the water slides over his body, removing the suds that touch Sonny in every place Mike wants to.

“Your brain must be going wild, huh?”

“Mhm.” Mike nods, his eyes darting all over him. Sonny flashes him another grin.

“I mean, if you’re up to it then so am I.” He holds his hands out at his sides, like he’s saying ‘I’m game.’ Mike sits up, bringing his back away from the shower wall, and reaches out to pull his lover over. There’s just enough give under his fingers to let him tighten his grip. Sonny complies, stepping into the space that opens between Mike’s legs. Warmth ghosts over the skin on his belly, making him giggle a little while snaking a hand into Mike’s blackened hair. Seeing Mike with his eyes closed, his arms wrapped around Sonny’s waist, letting out small hums of appreciation, Sonny feels an affection press down onto his chest.

It’s reinforced when Mike’s head bends, and he brings Sonny’s prick to his lips, sliding him into his mouth. Sonny’s moan is mixed with a laugh, and the hand in his lover’s hair tightens.

“Oh fuck… _fuck…_ ”

His gaze falls, resting on Mike’s eyes where they’re wide open, gazing up at him. His mouth leaves Sonny for a moment while his hand takes over. The kisses he presses against Sonny’s hips are smile shaped and full of satisfaction. His free hand squeezes his lover’s hip, pressing into the neglected flesh.

“Man, couple weeks without me really-” Sonny groans when those lips close around his tip, and his head falls back a moment before he can look down again. Already there’s a tension building in his hips, warning of what might happen next.

Using the grip on his hair, Sonny yanks their bodies apart. Before Mike’s lips can curl into a pout, Sonny kisses him good and hard, pulling breath out of both of them. Sonny struggles to keep them together as he turns the water off.

Sonny remembers the deliberate care he needs to take with Mike so he doesn’t slip on the way back to their bedroom, guiding him from the shower to the bath mat. Only then he realizes his patience is gone, with both of them hard and wanting. So he picks Mike up and carries him to the bed, and Mike pulls him in for a hard kiss. Oh, how he loves being reminded of the strength hidden behind that deceptively slim frame which matches his own. It’s the kind of strength that makes him give in, makes him feel safe, makes him quake with more want. Already both of them are in need.

Sonny applies a good layer of lube to both of them, knowing by the way Mike’s hips are pushing mindlessly up into the air that he needs to be touched _now._

“Oh fuck” Mike whimpers under his thrust, getting Sonny to pause.

“Should I-“

“Keep going!” He urges, his nails sinking into the damp skin of Sonny’s back. The extra bite of pain urges Sonny on, pushing him forward, pushing their hips together.

“I love you” they say when they find their breath, when they realize that they’re alive and breathing and writhing under each other’s touches. Being alive enough to make each other pulse and buck with pleasure means being alive enough to sat they love each other, even if they’ve already said it more than once that day.

They say it, again and again, with breath getting harder to find. They say it again, after their lungs are and bodies are recovered from their highs, but their nerves are still pulsing.

“I love you.” Sonny murmurs after each kiss pressed to Mike’s cheeks. With the blanket of his heavy heat covering Mike, the older man is lulled to safety.

“I love you.” Mike replies, a hand slipping into his damp hair. “I love you. I love you.”

“I love you.” Sonny repeats, before pressing their lips together. Mike finds his arms, slinging them around Sonny’s neck.

 _Stay with me_ Mike thinks, his mouth falling open while their kiss deepens.

****

-If you need anything you’ll call me, right?-

-Of course. Don’t worry about me, just focus on your job, okay? I’ve taken you away from that enough as it is.-

-No you

“Carisi.” Amanda’s voice stops him mid-sentence, and his head pops up. “Care to weigh in?”

“Sorry, what’s going on?”

“Just talking about how long they’re gonna give Dodds before he starts his new gig.” Fin repeats in his half-interested voice.

“Oh…who knows…maybe another month or two? They should give him another two, I bet it’ll be two.”

“Wanna make a bet?” Amanda asks.

_It’s not a bet if you already know the outcome._

Sonny smiles and shakes his head. “Y’know what? I think I’m okay.”

The conversation breaks. Fin returns to his work. Amanda gets up and taps Sonny on the shoulder. “I’m gonna get a soda from the vending machine, did you want to come with?”

“Uh, no. Thanks though”

“You’re sure?” She asks, quirking a brow. His face pulls confused.

“Uh, alright.” He relents, and follows her into the break room, answering his message as he goes.

-No you aren’t. Don’t worry about it. I love you. If you need something, tell me and I’ll help you. Xoxo.-

Amanda hits the button for a water bottle, and Sonny tilts his head at her.

“Are you doing okay?”

He shrugs. “I’m alright, you?”

“Are you sure? Because you just came back from two weeks of vacation and you seem distracted.”

“No, I’m alright. Thanks though.”

“Then why’re you glued to your phone?”

“I’m not.” He states, just as his phone buzzes in his hand.

“You gonna check that?”

He glances down. –Okay, love you.-

-Love you too-. He types back quick. “Look, something came up is all. I’m just checking in on someone, but it’s all fine. Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m your partner, Carisi. I need to know what’s going on in that head of yours, if you’re distracted-“

“You don’t need to worry. I’ve got your back.”

His phone buzzes in his pocket. “You’re sure?” She asks.

“Yes. I’m sure. Promise.”

****

 “Are you hungry?”

Mike smiles up at him, his hair messy, his eyes half lidded. “I just ate.”

“Yeah, but that was dinner. This was me wantin’ to know if you wanted dessert.”

“I’m okay.” Mike says, patting the space next to him in bed. “C’mon, please.”

“Well when I get a minute, I’ll come lay down with you.”

Mike tilts his head. “Don’t make me get up.”

“Oh shush.” Sonny comes around to the side of the bed and plants a kiss on his lips, long and low and just a little too yearning, before pulling back. “I know you’ve missed me. I’ll be right in. Just let me get myself collected. Do you need another quarter pill?”

“I’m fine, really. Just hurry up, please. I’ve missed you and you haven’t stopped moving since you got home.”

“Fine, fine.” Sonny pecks his lips again before springing out the door. Mike lets his eyes drift closed while keeping an ear on the sounds coming out of the kitchen, waiting for him to return. His body relaxes when lank arms wrap around his waist, pulling him close, pushing out the angsts eating away at him the entire day by himself. One more day where Sonny made it home.

There’s a buzzing sound that makes itself known, but it’s on the fringes of Mike’s perceptions. It stops, and begins again, and stops, and begins again.

“Mike, pick it up.” Sonny murmurs. The sleeping man groans and pushes his arm out from the covers, grabbing it. He opens his eyes just enough to see the accept button.

“Hello?”

“Thank god, you’re awake.”

“Alice? What-“

“Your dad, he’s here.” 

“What?” Mike hisses, brain jolting awake. He pushes his eyes open enough to see the digital clock on the other side of the room. “At eleven at night? Why the hell is he there?” 

“Because you didn’t call him back. Thanks for that by the way- you fucking know how he is when you don’t call him back.” 

“Don’t put this on me! I’m trying to recover from a hole in my stomach!” 

“Look, whatever, just get here, _now._ ” 

“Where did you say I was?” 

“Out for a walk.” 

“A walk. A walk? Really? A walk?” 

“It was the only answer I could think of.” 

“I can barely walk down to get my mail without being in pain.” 

“Mike, please, just figure this out, ok? And get here soon.” 

“Fine Alice, just fine.” He hangs up and slams his phone into his pillow. 

“What’s the matter?” Sonny asks, squeezing Mike’s waist.

“My dad, he showed up at Alice’s place, looking for me.” 

“And now-“ 

“I have to go over there. Would you help me?” 

“Help you? How?” 

“I don’t know…” Mike’s brain is fuzzy around the edges. “I…she said I was out for a walk-“

“Okay, got it.” Sonny gets up out of their bed and goes to their closet, grabbing clothes. “We’ll say we met up on our walk and got to talking. Does that help?”

“He’s going to notice that I’m still in pain while walking.”

“Take another quarter pill.”

“No, please don’t. You know that stuff screws with me.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll stay with you, we’ll figure out the details on the way. For now let’s just get you dressed.”

****

“Detective Carisi, a word?”

“Sure thing, Chief.” Sonny remarks, his face immediately burning. He follows the older man into Liv’s now empty office, and stands at attention. The older man turns to face him, arms crossed.

“At ease, detective. Don’t look so nervous, I’m not going to pester you about this case. I know what happened is on Rollins, not you. Some people, they have an idea in their head and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.”

“That’s reassuring. Thank you, Chief.” Sonny lets his arms unglue from his sides.

“No, it’s nothing to do with this case. I wanted to ask you something else.”

“I’m an open book. Ask me anything.”

He pauses. “You talked to Mike, right?” 

“Uh..yeah, the other day, why?” 

Another pause. Sonny’s heart speeds, blood rushing to his head.

“How’s he doing?” 

“He uh…he seemed okay, y’know, when I talked to him.” 

“Yeah? He seemed okay?” 

“He did. I think he’s doing okay, even after everything.” 

“That’s good to hear.” His silver head nods, eyes staring off at the wall a moment before reaffixing themselves on Sonny. “Could you do something for me, Detective?” 

“What is it, Chief?” 

“Just…if you talk to him, ask him to call me. So I can check in with him. He doesn’t call me back.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure, I can do that. Can I make a suggestion, though?”

“I’m all ears.”

“Have you tried texting him maybe? Sometimes talking on the phone can be a bit much for people if they’re recovering from something like that.”

“Really? Texting? But you have to put so much thought into it, how could that be easier?”

“It’s just a suggestion. I dunno, when I’m tired I find it easier to text. It gives you a little more time to think about what you’re gonna say, you’re not so much on the spot.”

“Huh. Y’know, detective, I never thought of it like that before. But you’ll still pass along my message?”

“Sure, of course.”

“Alright, thank you detective.” He pats Sonny on the arm before showing himself out. Sonny watches the man stride out of the office, and out of the squad room too, before pulling out his phone.

-Not right now but a little later, call your dad. He’s worried about you.-

Sonny clicks his phone off when the message stays on ‘Delivered’ for over a minute. Only later, when he checks his phone for an email does he see the two replies.

-Ok. Did he ask you to say that?-

-Why is my dad texting me????-

****

 “How’s your stomach and all that feeling?” Sonny asks. His fingers trace the scar on his abdomen, while his heart speeds up involuntarily.

“Fine.” Mike says, one of his warm, sure hands resting on Sonny’s back. “Just fine.”

“Yeah? Sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

Sonny looks up at his lover, his eyes clear with worry. “And you’re sure you’re ready to go back? You’re sure?”

Mike hesitates, and a kiss is pressed to his lips.

“Because I’m sure, if you told them, they’d give you more time. I mean, two and a half months? That bullet hit an artery. You were so sick.”

“I remember. And I remember you taking care of me. I remember you nursing me back to health.”

“So…you’re sure you’re healthy? You can handle it?”

“I’m not.” Mike admits, touching his boyfriend’s face in the low light. “I’m not ready. But if I don’t go back now, I’m never going to go back.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes, it is. I need the benefits. _We_ need the benefits.”

“Mike, please, don’t put this on me. If you need-“

“But it’s the right thing to do. If I tell my dad-“

“Hey.” Sonny moves so he’s straddling Mike’s hips while leaving plenty of room between himself and the angry scar. “This isn’t for him either. This isn’t for me or your father of anybody else. This is about you. If _you_ can handle going back to this job. If _you_ feel right about doing this.”

Mike swallows, and his anxiety flickers in his chest. “I have to do this. Even if everyone would understand why I quit, I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can still do this, if nothing else.”

Sonny sighs, cupping Mike’s tender face between his hands before cuddling him closer.

“I’m sorry this is all so awful. I promise, one day this will all make sense and it won’t be so hard.”

“We’ll wonder how we ever lived through this insanity, but it’ll be okay because we’ll know that we did. Just stay with me, and I can get through anything. I promise.”

“We can get through anything.” Sonny pulls back, giving him another look. “And don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere any time soon.”

 _Stay with me_ Mike can’t help thinking, even as he lets the weight of his boyfriend’s body cover his own again.

****

“You look sharp.” Sonny puts in as he wiggles the knot of his tie up to his neck. Mike steps back to get a better look at himself even though the mirror is mounted high on the wall.

“I look dark.”

“Nah, you still look pale as hell. Don’t worry, nobody’s going to think you were on vacation while recovering from your near fatal gunshot wound.”

His abdominal muscles jump, a pain shoots through his body. “That’s what I meant. I look ghostly against these colors.”

“No you don’t, you look perfect. You’re just nervous.” Sonny comments before turning to Mike.

“Or maybe it’s just the clothes. I mean, A navy shirt with a black suit? Does that work?”

“Yes, it does. Don’t knock it, you look great. Besides, new job means you deserve some new duds."

"Same old me though."

"So? Why shouldn't same old you get some nice new clothes? Who says I can't spoil my man?"

"Your paycheck."

Sonny laughs and pushes against his uninjured shoulder. 

"Wow. Ouch. Okay, maybe not spoil, but treat for sure. New job, gotta dress to impress."

"Well, I appreciate it."

“Still kinda think you should wear your Christmas shirt though. The red one, not the green one. What’s the rule? Dress for the job you want?”

“Oh yeah, just what I need, letting them know I’m already thinking about my next job before I even open my mouth.” 

“Or maybe they’ll just think you’re some sort of cool hipster cops, with your plaid shirt and your lack of tie. Y’know, like you should be working in Brooklyn instead of Manhattan.” 

Mike rolls his eyes and laughs, before moving to pull away. Sonny catches his tie just as he's about to leave their space, and pulls him close again, heightening the smell of his freshly applied cologne. 

"You're going to do well. I believe in you."

"Thanks."

Sonny's lips press against his skin, first to his mouth a few times, before covering his cheek and nose too. 

"Love you."

"Love you too." He murmurs back. 

"Be safe."

"Always."

Still, Mike’s heart throbs when he follows Sonny out of their home. The whole walk to the front door, his brain can’t stop screaming.

_Stay with me. Don’t let me go. Please, please stay with me. I can’t do this on my own. Stay with me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Yes, I am alive! Sorry I've been MIA, but I figured as much with going off to school. 
> 
> Anyway, here's some new stuff for you to read! My new plan is to post something (updates for this story or for Search) on Saturdays and Tuesdays, lets see how that pans out lol. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this piece. Sorry if there are some editing errors, please feel free to point them out as I am still rather tired and am not sure how well this was edited


	4. September through December, 2016

It’s still early when Sonny walks through his front door. The beige coat sat on the rack lets him know he’s not alone. He gets himself settled in, putting down his computer bag before going into the kitchen to pour himself some juice, giving him the little taste of sugar he wants.

A warm body presses up against Sonny’s back, followed by a pair of warm lips pressing against his neck, teasing over the much-ignored skin.

“Is that my boyfriend I’m feeling up against me?” Sonny asks, his hands resting over the ones that are at home on his waist.

“Sure is.” Mike’s voice is low, breathing against his skin before another few kisses wash over his pulse.

“Well damn, someone’s missed me.” Sonny chuckles, head rolling to the side to reveal more skin for soft, ever loving kisses.

“Welcome home.” Mike breathes, tucking his head against his neck.

Sonny turns in his arms, and blood finds its way south when he realizes Mike is stark naked.

“Double damn, where’re your clothes?”

“Does it matter?” Mike flashes a coy smile, his arms slinging around Sonny’s neck and pulling him in for a kiss. Sonny licks into his boyfriend’s mouth, his hands moving to wrap around his lover’s waist, clutching the firm muscle they find.

Mike’s hands go to his belt, undoing it in a single motion before taking care of his button and zipper too. Sonny’s hands trace over his stomach, edging just over his lover’s freshest scar before he’s out of his hold, dropped to his knees in front of Sonny’s hips. Sonny’s clothes get pulled off in one swift motion, and to his budding erection springs free.

Sonny’s gaze is glued to his boyfriend, watching the way his eyes close in pleasure. He uses his lips, mouthing at Sonny’s hardening cock to get him the rest of the way there. The heavy heat of his erection, combined with the seedy taste is enough to get the older man going. One of hands cups his boyfriend’s scrotum, massaging it, ushering out longer strings of pleasured curses, while the other moves around. Sometimes it teases the sensitive skin of his inner thigh, others it rests on the curve of his ass.

Sonny’s gaze casts down some time after Mike’s licking has turned into consistent sucking, and a jolt of pleasure sparks through him. A little because of the way Mike’s throat flexes around his erection and a little because of the extra squeeze to his ass, but mostly because of what he sees. Down beneath his boyfriend’s legs, his own length is flushed and completely erect, just waiting to be touched.

“Fuck” Sonny hisses, gripping at Mike’s hair and ushering a moan that sends even more vibrations through his body. Sonny uses all his willpower to yank Mike off of him, and only while using the momentum from his bobbing head to pull him off. His mouth hangs open, panting for breath.

“You like sucking me off, huh?” Sonny pants out. Mike’s eyes, blackened from pleasure and being closed so long, meet his own.

“Uh huh.” Mike pushes out of his swollen mouth.

“You wanna keep going? You want me to cum in your mouth? Or should I start fucking you?”

Those slick, cherry red lips pull into a smile. “I only get one?”

Sonny laughs breathlessly, grip loosening on his boyfriend’s scalp.

“No, I guess not. Maybe I’ll let this first one loose all over your face.”

This time Mike laughs, and presses his forehead against Sonny navel, concealing his blush. “You should.”

“Yeah?” Sonny asks, more petting than pulling at Mike’s hair now. He’s answered by that mouth closing around his head again, followed by a moan out of that same mouth. Sonny’s shocked by how fast he gets close, though the fingers teasing his opening are an instant turn-on any time.

Mike knows it’s coming when his hair is yanked hard, again pulling him off. He lets his mouth hang open, waiting for the rewarding spray that flows over his face. He waits, still breathing hard, until he hears it in the way Sonny is breathing before pressing his lips together, sucking up whatever’s fallen onto them and mixing it with whatever fell over his tongue. The taste sends another zing of pleasure to his own hard on.

He finds the remainder of Sonny’s hard on and closes his hand around it before looking up. Mike can’t help the proud, vindicated smile that pulls over his face at the sight of his lover still breathless and flushed with his orgasm. It doesn’t slip, even when he’s pulled to his feet and Sonny slobbers over his lover’s face, cleaning up his load.

A whine escapes his mouth while his own hard on throbs. It only heightens when Sonny pushes Mike up onto the counter, his strength surprising him once again even though it shouldn’t anymore. Those blue eyes are burning with desire when they meet Mike’s, just as Sonny’s lips close around his length. Sonny’s mouth is deliberate. Less about him enjoying himself, and more with the frantic desire to relieve Mike of his hard on. And it works. The slick heat of Sonny’s mouth, combined with the vibrations associated with Sonny’s moans, are enough to get him off in an embarrassingly fast way.

There’s a bit of his cum dripping down Sonny’s chin when he pulls away, and moves up to kiss Mike, hard. Sonny pushes a bit of his boyfriend’s load into his mouth before swallowing the rest for himself. A shiver washes over Mike’s skin, while nerves still spark all over his body.

“Fuck…” Sonny breathes against Mike’s lips between kisses.

“Again?” Mike asks. They both laugh, breathless, and Sonny’s arms wrap around his waist.

“Again? I didn’t get to fuck you yet.”

“Sure you have.”

“Not today.” He manages before taking another deep breath. “Which means you can still walk back to bed.”

“You just want to walk behind me and harass me.”

“Can you blame me?” Sonny asks between kisses to Mike’s neck.

“That’s not going to get it up again. Not so soon.”

“So? We’ll cuddle and then we can fuck.” Another kiss, where Mike’s jaw meets his neck. “That works, doesn’t it?”

“Uh…I think so.” He tries, distracted. Those lips leave his skin, and he shivers from another chill.

“Come on.” Sonny pulls away from Mike, sliding his grip around Mike’s hand and giving it a firm squeeze. Mike slips off the counter, careful with his still weak legs, and follows Sonny hand-in-hand to their bed.

It’s slower when they make love again. It’s hot, all chests pressed together and mouths locked in passionate kisses, but there’s less urgency in the way their bodies move. Like the beginnings of their relationship which were filled with plenty of tender exploration, only now with more surety. It only stops long enough for them to polish of the last of the prior night’s Chinese food.

When their bodies are spent, it’s in a controlled way. It’s not like a spell breaks or a passion slips away. They just know their bodies. They know how they feel. They feel the way their kisses lose momentum, and their bodies need to rest.

They’re quiet for a long time. Sonny flicks off their light and pulls Mike closer, their forms folding together.

“Hey, guess what?” Mike asks, voice hushed against his boyfriend’s skin. 

“Hmm…you’re hungry? You need to pee?” 

Mike chuckles and pokes the warm bulk of his lover’s chest. “No, nothing like that. Today’s our anniversary.” 

“What?” Sonny’s chest moves under Mike’s head, and the bright light of a cellphone illuminates the space just over the bedside table a moment later. “Wait, when are you counting from?” 

“Our first night together. So, I guess tonight’s our anniversary.” 

“Fuck, I didn’t know that’s the day we were using. Aw damn, I would’ve planned something.” 

Mike’s lips press to his jaw. “Don’t. Just be home early-ish? We’ll have a quiet evening to ourselves. Just you and me.” 

“Okay.” Sonny murmurs, and shifts so his lips can find Mike’s. A smile pulls at his lips before Mike’s head takes it’s place tucked into the crook of his neck. 

“So…you use today?” 

“Mhm. Why? What did you use?” 

“When you said you loved me.” Sonny’s fingers push through his hair. “That’s when I was counting from.” 

“So…” Mike starts counting backwards. 

“October.” Sonny answers. “Don’t you remember? The night we came home early and just had sex all night? A little bit before you got shot. The second time. It was our six month anniversary.” 

“That was why?” Mike brushes his hand over Sonny’s collarbone, feeling the layer of flesh that covers it. 

“Yeah. Figured when you followed along you knew why.” 

“Oops.” 

They both laugh, and Sonny’s lips press to his forehead. 

“S’okay. Now I know. I like using this though, I like using the first time we were together.” 

“It feels right. I knew I needed to make a note of that day, that I’d need it again.”

“Even then?”

Mike nods. Sonny’s hand slides through his hair again before cupping the back of his neck. 

“How’d you know?” 

“I was different after that first night. I felt different. Lighter and heavier all at the same time. I didn’t know at first, I thought maybe it was just because you were my first, but I knew pretty soon after that I was in love with you. And then…well, you know the rest.” 

The silence is filled in one ear by the thrum of Sonny’s heartbeat.

“I was your first?” 

Blood rushes to Mike’s face. “I mean…when I was in my twenties I messed around with a few guys, and I topped one…once…but I’d never…yeah….” 

The hand on his neck pushes through his hair again, giving it another tender ruffle. 

“Huh. Don’t I feel special.” 

“Really?” 

“Well…yeah. I mean, that’s a big deal, your first time going all the way with someone, like that. And you let me. All the friggin’ people you could’ve chosen and I got the privilege, y’know? That’s…I mean, damn, now that’s even _more_ special. More special than it already was.” 

“You felt it too?” 

“Of course I felt it. I mean, if I’m honest, I knew it then too, I just didn’t know how to put it into words. Y’know, I thought I’d loved people before but that…I get it.” 

“Do you wish I’d warned you? That you would’ve known?” 

The heartbeat in his ear speeds up. 

“No. No, I would’ve been nervous. Probably would’ve fumbled something if I knew just how big a deal it was. Our first time just came naturally. To me.” 

“Me too.” He pauses. “And you really had no idea?” 

“Swear on your life, I didn’t know I was your first. Maybe on some other stuff I knew, when you needed a little more guidance, but I liked that. That, though, that wasn’t one of them. I mean, you didn’t tense and you didn’t get nervous, I don’t think anyway-“ 

“Like I said, I wasn’t nervous with you. I guess that should’ve been my first clue, huh? That I wasn’t nervous even after my buzz wore off.” 

“And you crawled right into my sheets.” 

The hot skin against sonny’s chest curves, into a smile he can’t see in the dark. 

“You have good taste in sheets. And in bed. But I’m glad we got the king sized.” 

“King sized is better, for sure. I love you, I do, but sometimes having that little bit of wiggle room is helpful. I’m so not used to sharing a bed.” 

“Now you are.” 

“Now I am.” Sonny agrees. “So our six month is in March then?” 

“Yeah. But it was in the middle of the Catholic Church stuff, there was no time or mood to celebrate.” 

Sonny’s hand rests on the small of his back, warming the skin between his shoulder blades. 

“You were so down then…”

“Scared you, huh?” 

“A little.” 

“Just… struggling. Y’know. My faith and me and seeing all that…just…yeah. You know.” 

“Didn’t stop you from going to church.” 

“Felt like an act for a while.” 

“But you kept going. More than I did.” 

“Your family used to do church?”

“Sure. My dad thought it was important. I thought I’d get the desire to go back at some point, and that would be when I went. Still waiting.” 

“Not like I blame you. I mean, they made it pretty clear we’re not welcome.” 

“You still go.” 

“That’s more for God than for the church. The church is so fucked, but God…I mean, you survived. Yeah it was a lot because of doctors and medicine and you being strong enough to handle that kind of damage, but you pulled through. I figured if the church didn’t give a fuck about us, God still did.” 

Mike’s hand follows the lines of sonny’s arm down to his hand, and takes it in his own. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t you apologize. You’re the best god damn thing to ever happen to me. Not that you’re a thing- you know. I love you. You not being around wouldn’t change that Catholicism sees me as being wrong even though all the likeness and image stuff still applies to me and there’s not a damn word in the Bible about being gay being wrong.” 

“There’s not?” 

“No. It’s all mistranslated and misinterpreted shit being twisted around.”

“Huh…” 

“Yeah. And Jesus didn’t say anything remotely close to that kind of thing, all that was Old Testament shit. And Jesus was super close to John the Evangelist, clearly he didn’t have time for anyone’s fragile masculinity.”

“Huh. How about that.”

“It’s a real shame for the church though. I mean, they’re the ones that are going to miss out on hosting our amazing wedding.”

“We don’t need them. We’ll just have it up on the farm.”

“Yeah? Is that before or after we buy the farm?” Sonny jokes. Mike lifts his head, looking at his boyfriend in the darkness. He can just make out the curve of his jaw, the pale outlines of his face.

“It doesn’t have to be our farm. A couple years back my cousins got married on this farm up state. But it was nice. The old barn that had been there since, I don’t know, the 1800’s was refurbished, made into a really nice wedding space. We could do something like that.”

“That’s an idea.”

“Or did you want to have it in a church? Because we could do that too.”

“Wouldn’t we need to know how many people are coming before we can pick a place?”

“That’s true.” Mike presses closer, closing his eyes. “We can figure that out tomorrow.”

Sonny yawns. “Tomorrow sounds good.”

****

“This…this isn’t really happening…”

“No, of course it’s not. This is a joke. It’s going to even out.”

“Mike, look at the numbers.”

“…I’m going to bed. Come with me?”

“You can sleep?”

“No…but I’m going to go insane sitting here, watching this.”

****

 “No, I’m not going to let Agent Orange and his looming basket of deplorable get me down. For all we know it’s not going to happen. There’s a reason why we have the Electoral College. It’s the ultimate antidote for this kind of thing.”

“Sonny-“

“I know, I know, don’t mention that at Thanksgiving dinner.” Sonny’s arms slide around Mike’s neck, his hands resting on the deep purple fabric of his gifted shirt. “Wish you were coming with me.”

“Me too. But it’ll be okay.”

“Really? Dinner with your father and your brother? You’re sure you’re going to be okay?”

“I’m sure.” He pecks Sonny’s lips. “What about you?”

“So long as you come home, I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

A light smirk crosses his face. “Yeah, I know.”

Mike chuckles. “Wow. Love you too.”

****

In place of CNN, a playlist of classic Christmas songs lulls Mike awake on December 25th. It’s almost noon when his eyes open, but he can’t tell as much. The snow clouds outside are keeping the light low.

When Mike makes his way into the kitchen, it’s to find Sonny with a cup of hot cocoa in hand, with his hair mussed and his eyes half open. Still, a well deserved smile spreads across his face, and Mike’s heart grows like the Grinch’s.

“Merry Christmas.” Mike offers as the space between them closes. When their lips meet, Mike can taste chocolate and peppermint, and for a moment everything is right with their world.

“Merry Christmas.” Sonny offers, his sweet breath filling Mike’s lungs.

“Been up long?”

“Nah. Maybe…twenty minutes?”

“So midnight mass exhausts you too?”

“Sure it does. Did last year too.”

“Sure did.” Mike touches Sonny’s cheek. He sees a prominent tenderness in Sonny’s face, leaving every expression he makes fluid. He can’t hold tight onto his smile, or his frowns. It’s there as they drink their hot chocolate, and it’s there while they watch _It’s a Wonderful Life._ It’s still there when they get around to sitting next to their little Christmas tree to exchange presents.

It’s that tenderness that makes Sonny’s face quiver, at least a little, every time they exchange a gift.

When they each have their little stacks of practical (shirts, ties, cuff links) and thoughtful (books, more soft plaid shirts, notebooks, candy) gifts, that tenderness comes out again in the way that Sonny pulls Mike into a hug. It’s hard and unwavering, gripping Mike’s chest to his own.

“Is everything okay?” Mike asks against his ear, and gently strokes his boyfriend’s hair. Sonny clears his throat and cuddles him closer.

“Yeah…yeah, I guess. It’s just a lot. I had a little thought that got to me this morning, you know? You get those.”

It’s not a question. He knows it’s true.

“What was it?” Mike asks, gently rocking them back and forth. Again Sonny has to push something out of his throat.

“Just… Like, when I woke up this morning, I saw you asleep and I thought…I just thought…of how close I was to spending this Christmas alone. Kinda got to me.”

His arm muscles tense around Sonny, like that might push out those thoughts or protect Sonny from them.

“Aw baby, no…”

“I know, it’s kinda stupid.” He sniffs, his head resting against Mike’s neck. “Just…wow…how different things might’ve been.”

“But they aren’t. I survived. I stayed, see? I got to see another year of half my Christmas gifts being shirts.”

“You like those shirts. And you’re going to wear the red one out if it’s the only one you have.”

Mike’s cut off by a choke in his throat, one that comes out of nowhere that rings true with pain. “Yeah, I know.”

They’re quiet for a while, listening to each other sniffle in and out. They pull away, and gently dab each other’s tears away.

“God, I don’t wanna leave you today.” Sonny pushes out.

“I know baby.” He takes the hand against his face between his own and brings it to his mouth, covering it with kisses.

“Come with me.” Sonny murmurs. Mike meets his gaze, and Sonny cups his cheek.

“Baby…”

“I know. I just wanted you to know that’s what I want. That’s all.”

Mike’s eyes close, and his lips press against the soft skin on the back of his boyfriend’s hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry things aren’t better, like they were supposed to be.”

“Hey, come on, don’t say that.”

“But it’s true.”

He sighs, and Sonny pushes a hand through Mike’s hair. “Don’t say that.”

“What should I say then?”

“Don’t say anything. Just…just stay with me, ok? Be with me, until I have to go.”

Mike kisses his hand a few more times before nodding. He lets himself be pulled in for a firm hug. He knows the promise of return is attached to any thought of them leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go gang. Wow, this came out more angsty than I meant it to but I'm not mad about it. 
> 
> Hope you all survived your Monday in tact, even though it was a holiday for some of us. 
> 
> This is shaping up to be a pretty long story. But I like writing it in this format. Wish me luck, as I have to now figure out how to organize all my snippets and ideas for it. 
> 
> Thank you for all the lovey comments and support you've given, it's been greatly appreciated.


	5. January through April, 2017

The heft of the weights in Mike’s hands make his arms burn, his shoulders ache, and his skin dew with sweat. Hip hop blares through his headphones, while counting off mentally every time he lifts. His arms are back to their normal size after their thinning from months of inactivity. He feels himself growing stronger with every exhausting lift, every belabored breath, knowing it’ll carry his mood once he’s done. He sits on the weight bench, eyes on the ground instead of the TV’s showing the channel he knows he’ll have to face at home too.

A hand tugs on Mike’s shoulder, prompting him to pull out his headphones. The smile that takes shape on his face is bright and involuntary.

“Hey. What’re you doing?”

Sonny smiles back. “Ah, a buddy of mine asked me to shoot hoops with him. What’re you up to? Arm day today?”

“Yeah, arm day, but I’m done now.

“Sounds good, sounds good. Did you wanna grab a drink?”

“How about we get a bite to eat? I’m starving. I didn’t eat all day.”

“Wha? Why?”

“After I got up late I had to skip breakfast, and I worked through lunch.”

“That’s so dumb, don’t do shit like that. You wanna grab a burger?”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

“Aright, cool, let me just get changed first, before I start to wreak.”

“I should do the same, I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”

Sonny’s smile is the brightest he’s seen it since Christmas, and it’s accompanied by a pat to Mike’s arm. The chance meeting and the promise of food have him floating when Darren, the guy who spots him when he benches, makes his way over.

“You done for the day?”

“Yeah, I’m done for the day.” Mike picks up his water bottle, only catching the look on his friend’s face when he takes another glance. “Something on your mind?”

“Yeah. The guy you were talking to, you know that guy?”

“He’s a friend.”

“Huh.” Darren answers, and racks his weights. “Well, I think I’ve hit my limit for today too, I’m gonna head out.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Mike answers and follows him to the locker room when they’re ready. When they reach the hallway the locker room is on the other end of, Darren stops him.

“Hey man, let me bounce something off of you. Don’t read anything into this, but, you ever look at a guy and think ‘damn, I’d fuck him’?”

Mike blinks, his gaze hardening. “Do you?”

“Sometimes. Like with your buddy, I just caught a look but-“

“Okay, I think you need to stop talking.”

“Mike, come on, we’re just talking here.”

“You’re objectifying him. He deserves better than that.”

_How fucking dare you?_

“I’m not objectifying. God, that job in sex crimes made you so fucking sensitive.”

_How fucking DARE you?!_

“Or maybe you’re just that dense.” Mike walks away, heading down the hall alone.

“Hey Mike.” Sonny’s there, his shirt off, pressing deodorant under his arms. .

“Hey.” He says, clipped, and opens his own locker, pulling out his bag with all his things.

“Mike, man please.” Darren walks in just as Sonny’s basketball shorts hit the floor, leaving him only in his underwear. Darren stalls, and the glare Mike gives him is so fierce that he averts his eyes.

“Sup man.” Sonny offers, and bends down to reach into the locker his clothes are hanging in. Mike crosses the room to Darren, obstructing his view of the younger man.

“You were saying?” Mike asks.

“Never mind.” He turns on his heel, his face coloring. The locker room door opens and shuts, and when Mike turns back his boyfriend is looking at him. But he makes no comment. He lets the air between them stay quiet even when Mike rests a hand on his back the whole walk to the burger joint they’re headed to.

_How dare he? How dare he talk about him like that? Like he’s some cheap toy._

_God, that must happen all the time, doesn’t it?_

_How often do men think of him like that?_

_And the women-_

_And why shouldn’t they? Who would know better?_

_Not like he has a ring to stop them from asking._

“Hey, what’s’a’matter with you, huh?” Sonny finally asks after their food arrives.

“Nothing.” Mike says, and swallows a few fries.

“Don’t lie to me, Mike. I know you. I know you like I know the back of my own hand. You’ve been in a fucking mood since you came into the locker room.”

_And you’ve been a fucking mood since November._

Mike pops a few fries into his mouth again before answering. “Men are pigs.”

“That’s news.”

Mike glares. Sonny flinches a little, and it makes Mike remember who he’s really mad at.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just got a little…” he huffs. “The guy I knew at the gym today, he said some things about you that pissed me off.”

“About me?” Sonny scoffs. “Like?”

“Like…Like how he said he thought about sleeping with you the moment he saw you.”

Mike waits for a groan or an eye roll. Instead he gets a smirk.

“What?”

“You’re jealous. That’s so damn cute.”

_Dammit._

“No. I’m just angry that he was being a pig, and right to my face-“

“Because.” Sonny leans in, his voice dropping. “It drives you crazy, knowing that someone else wants me like that, doesn’t it?”

“You know what drives me crazy?” He asks in the same low, controlled voice. “That a guy, or whoever, can look at this person who I know is intelligent and bright and hilarious and beautiful in absolutely every way, and all he sees is a sex object. _That_ is what’s bothering me.”

The amused smile slips from Sonny’s face at the bewildering amount of aggression shown in those words. He blinks a few times before leaning back in his chair.

“And he just says that, right to my face, like I would understand talking like a total pig.” Mike shakes his head and goes back to his food.

“Thanks. For standing up for me.” Sonny offers when their food is almost gone. Mike glances up, meeting Sonny’s gaze. He reaches over and take’s Sonny’s free hand, making up for some of their tension, just for a moment.

“I always will. No matter what.”

****

It catches Mike’s sight when he darts back to the bedroom for his watch. In the small jewelry box with the glass top is a ring box, shaped like a graduation cap. He picks it up just as the front door closes and locks in the distance. He flips the top up, and takes it in.

The ring is heavy and silver, with a red gem on top and the words “FORDHAM UNIVERSITY” surrounding it. Mike passes it from one hand to the other, taking in the piece he’s never seen Sonny wear. His heart throbs, thinking of his boyfriend when he was still in law school, before he was touched by the bitterness enveloping him now.

He doesn’t think twice about popping the piece onto his right ring-finger. Only for a second does he think about the weight of it, dragging his hand down, before deciding he likes it.

****

By the time he’s up to his apartment, any snow that had fallen on Mike’s jacket is melted or dusted off. The throbbing in his shoulder makes removing his coat a task, and distracts him from noticing the other one already hung on the rack.

It means he stops short when he gets to the living room and sees his boyfriend, laid out on the couch with a cloth over his head, already changed into his pajamas.

“Sonny?” He murmurs. The cloth lifts, revealing Sonny’s tired eyes.

“Hey.”

“Something wrong?” he asks, though he’s sure it’s a migraine. Why else would he have the TV off?

Sonny pushes himself up and blinks a few times, showing his mostly wet hair. “I…I uh…”

Mike lowers himself onto the sofa and searches his lover’s blank face. Those blue eyes stare at the wall behind Mike before focusing on him.

“Someone…someone put a gun on me today.”

Fear and anger flare in unison in Mike’s chest, crushing his throat for a moment.

“Someone put a gun on you?”

“Yeah. Right here.” He taps the center of his forehead, before his gaze drifts out again. “Liv took care of the guy, but it was a close call.”

Tears burn their way into Mike’s eyes. _Who the fuck would have the nerve to put a gun on Sonny? What fucking idiot would do something so cruel?_

Mike has to fight the anchoring weight of the ring to touch his boyfriend’s cheek. The skin under his own is warm, blood still pumping beneath the surface. He kisses the spot on Sonny’s forehead where the muzzle of the gun had rested, lingering, hoping to replace pain with comfort.

The tears slither between their layers of skin, and spark Sonny’s own.

“I’m okay, really.” Sonny says, despite his twitching cheek and running nose.

“I know.” Mike sniffles, his grip around Sonny’s shoulders tightening despite the throbbing in his own. “I know…you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” Sonny repeats with a sniff, letting his eyes close. “I’m okay.”

Mike hides his face in Sonny’s hair, letting it absorb his sobs.

****

Anderson Cooper’s voice grates on Mike’s nerves the night of the twenty seventh, far more than they had in the months before. Though, really, it’s less about Anderson Cooper’s voice and more about those he’s arguing with. When Mike realizes Sonny’s not in the living room, he jabs at the mute button before returning to the paperwork he has spread out over the kitchen table. Getting through the tail end of it is far easier without anyone’s voices interrupting him. After that, Mike goes to his nightly reviewing of his Lieutenant’s book.

The TV is still muted when he finishes the chapter he’s on, tickling some suspicion in his brain. Mike gets up and goes into their bedroom, where he finds Sonny stood in their closet, staring at his clothes. Mike leans on their doorjamb.

“Have you been here the whole time?”

“Yeah…” Sonny tears his gaze away from his half of the walk-in. “I don’t know where I put my clothes.”

Mike glances over.

“Looks like they’re on those hangers to me.”

“No, no. I’m going to the dry cleaners before they close. But…I don’t know what clothes are clean.”

Mike blinks. “What?”

“Yeah, well, usually I keep whatever suits I’ve worn a couple times on one side of my closet, but since I started sharing it I’ve been keeping them on one side of this rack. But…yeah…can’t remember which side I keep them on.”

“You can’t remember which of your clothes are clean?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Mike scoffs. “Please, don’t be ridiculous. You put them on the right side of your closet, just like I do.”

Now Sonny blinks. “You keep your dirty suits on the left, not the right.”

“No, I keep them on the right.”

Sonny shakes his head. “I’ve been taking them from the left, then putting them on the right.”

Mike steps further in, and two of them stare at Mike's clothes, trying to figure out which manner of shuffling had left what clothes uncleaned. They turn to each other, something hot and akin to anger being the predominant emotion before Sonny let out a close mouthed giggle. A giggle that multiplies, and then grows in volume. It's contagious, it seems, because the sound spills out of Mike's lips too until they're both cackling, leaving Sonny to turn a dangerous shade of red. 

"Y'know what? Fuck it! They're all going to the cleaners!" Sonny announces while still laughing. 

"You're joking." Mike sniffles, his voice evening out. 

"Nope! C'mom, if we go now we can make it before they close at 9." Sonny announces already throwing suits over his arm. Mike follows, tossing every single suit he has in his closet over his arm.

He doesn’t see the problem until they return home, and Mike goes to pick out his clothes for the next day.”

“Ohhhhh boy.”

“What?” Sonny calls from the bathroom.

“I didn’t keep any suits for work.”

“What?!” His voice gets louder before he appears. “None? Really?”

“No, I didn’t. Why, did you?”

“Yeah, like, two.”

“Can I borrow one?”

“Babe. You haven’t really fit into my clothes since you were still recovering.”

Mike sighs and looks at his clothes once again. “Do I really need to go and buy a new suit just for tomorrow.”

“Well come on, that can’t be true. You could wear these.” Sonny picks up a pair of black slacks on a random suit hanger. “These will work. Do you have something that goes with these?”

“Uh…”

“Come on, they’re black, how tough can this be? You’ve gotta have something here.” He scans over Mike’s clothes.

“Wait…wait a second…” Mike leaves, returning with a jacket. Sonny’s brow quirks.

“Where the hell did you get that?”

“This is that jacket, remember?”

“The j-“ He laughs. “You’re kidding me! Fucking hell, that’s too much. Oh my god, you know what that means? That jacket had its place on that chair longer than you had your job at SVU.”

Mike thinks, looking at the article, before letting out a sharp laugh. “Wow. How about that.”

“Yeah, really.”

“Wow…Can’t believe I left SVU nine months ago.”

“Me either. If you left because you were pregnant you would’ve had your baby by now.”

Mike laughs. “You’re kidding.”

“What? It’s a mathematical observation, not a biological one.”

Mike smiles and shakes his head, putting his clothes away before closing the distance between himself and Sonny, taking advantage of his pleasant mood.

****

The apartment is full of tension from the CNN anchor, but Mike doesn’t notice. Mike doesn’t hear anything. Mike’s ears are still ringing from a shot fired hours earlier. He slinks into the bedroom where the source of the noise is today.

“There you are! Where the hell have you been?” Sonny pushes the laptop off his legs and gets up, his wet hair shaking. “I called you, like, ten times, I’ve been worried sick-“

“Sonny, don’t ok? Just don’t.”

“No, don’t ‘don’t’ me, where the hell have you been?”

“At the hospital. Getting my blood test. Because I shot and killed someone on the job, ok Sonny? That’s where I was.”

That stalls him. “You…you what?”

“Yeah, that’s right, I shot someone. I shot a boy because I thought he was a terrorist but no, he was a human shield.”

“Hey, don’t do that.” Sonny’s voice is too firm to comfort. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sonny, he was sixteen.”

“You were scared.”

“I came charging in first, if I’d just waited-“

“You might be dead-“

“Or this kid might-“

“Don’t do that-“

“No, you don’t do that!” Mike snaps.

“Don’t yell at me!” Sonny’s voice edges towards a yell.

“I killed a little boy, Sonny! My bullet hit his chest and he’s dead and I can never take that back!” 

“It’s not your fault! You can’t put this on yourself, Mike, you didn’t know-“

“Why is this the one thing you try to fix, huh? You can’t fix this! Just let me talk, alright? Just…just let me talk…” 

Sonny’s angered face softens. His slender form folds up so he’s sat on the bed again. Mike takes a few deep breaths before sitting across from his boyfriend.  

“I’m sorry” he murmurs, and he holds a hand out for Mike to take. Which he does. The warmth of that hand melts the last barrier his pain had attempted in vain to erect, and the floodgates open. 

Sonny’s hair lightens as it dries. The apartment quiets, and so does the world outside. Clothes are cast off in favor of direct skin contact. Lips ghost over completely platonic body parts. The sun, eventually, renders the artificial light unnecessary. 

When Mike sits up out of his boyfriend’s conscious grasp, his body begs him to return. The magnet of his bed and his lover’s arms invite him to close his eyes and allow this day to happen without him. He begs himself to get into bed and close his eyes, letting himself be pulled under. 

He feels those soft eyes on his back asking the same question, followed by the soft hand that transmits the words into his brain through his skin. 

Mike twists his arm around and touches his hand before getting up, leaving the bathroom door open behind him. The sound of the shower hurts his sleep deprived brain. His ears are heightened, akin to how they are post hangover. 

He hears the sink flow for a few seconds, followed by a minute or two of a toothbrush scraping over teeth. The process is punctuated with a spit and another several-second run of the faucet.

The shower lasts twice as long as it should. When he steps out, Sonny already has his clothes on, his tie being tied up. 

A large cup waits for Mike on the bathroom counter, filled to the brim with coffee. He doesn’t bother pulling a towel around his waist, instead letting himself drip dry onto the bath mat while he chugs the perfectly tempered liquid. 

Anything he wants to say is stuck in his throat, the coffee dripping through and around his unformed words. He keeps quiet, only exchanging eye contact in the mirror with Sonny, who lingers in the bathroom after his routine is complete. 

He’s still in the apartment when Mike has himself pulled together. Sonny’s beside the door, holding his phone and keys, leaning against the bit of wall next to the coatrack. Mike crosses the odd distance to him, and Sonny meets his eye. Mike answers that question with a hug, pulling Sonny in by the waist and letting his head drop against Sonny’s neck. The spot where his cologne is applied sits just beneath Mike’s nose, almost to the point of burning. A comforting burn/

A hand slides into his hair. Another presses against his back. 

“You’re sure you want to go in today?” 

A pause. The slight rocking of their bodies together halts.

“I’ll call in sick and stay with you.” 

Limbs and fibers scream, yearning for the comfort of a bed and a body and a heart big enough and strong enough to hold all of Mike’s broken bits until he has the strength to put them back where they belong. 

 Mike pulls away just enough to see the eyes that are the true doors to his home. 

“I have to. I’m just going to be doing paperwork.” 

The hand from his back leaves a cold patch of skin when it moves to his cheek. 

“If they send you home, will you call me? So you won’t be alone?” 

“Yes.” 

“And you won’t be scared to?” 

Mike swallows. “No. I won’t.” 

“Okay.” Sonny’s voice holds promise, and his lips press against his lover’s cheek. “I’m sorry if I didn’t help last night.” 

“You did.” Mike meets his eye, trying to tell him that way. The language he needs to tell Sonny just how much he saved him that night sits beyond the reaches of his heavy brain. Sonny’s eyes search his own, until their lips press together. 

Kisses, somewhere between the hot passion of their newly kindled love and the kind offered as a landing pad to cushion a long fall. Kisses that overwhelm them both for a few long minutes, the two of them trading air and mouths and mixing themselves together in a way that can’t, and shouldn’t, be undone when they pull apart. Their air mingles, and Sonny brushes their noses against one another’s. 

“Be safe out there.” Mike pleads, his eyes cast down to look at his lover’s tie instead of his eyes. A hand reaches out, touching the nearly-invisible criss-cross pattern on the gifted piece. 

“I’ll be safe out there.” More promise. More love. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

Even more promise. 

 _Stay with me_ Mike begs mentally. He knows he would get the same promise if he asked it out loud.

****

The bleep of Mike’s phone startles him, after nearly three hours of silence. He doesn’t know it’s been three hours. Not until he notices the time on his phone, before picking up with his ring weighted hand. 10:22.

“Hey.” Mike answers

“Where are you?” 

“Sat at my desk, doing paperwork.” 

“All day?”

“Yes.” 

“Are you afraid to come home?” 

“Yes.” Mike replicates his answer, staring down his pile of completed work. He’s never seen so much finished paperwork in one place before. 

“How about I come get you? And we walk home together?” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay, okay good. I’ll be right there. You’ll wait for me and I’ll come make sure nothing bad happens to us.” 

“Okay.” 

“I’ll be there soon. I’ll text you when I’m there.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, and I’ll see you soon.”

The line cuts before Mike contemplates saying it back. He waits, still wading through more work that he could do, but doesn’t need to. And of course, his Lieutenant’s book sits on the corner of his desk, waiting to be read over. Sonny’s message appears before he gets to that point. He leaves the room behind empty.

Sonny’s waiting for him, hands in his pockets, eyes breaking their scan when the door opens.  

“Hey.” Mike offers again, pushing his hands into his pockets to shield them from cold.

“Hey.” Sonny replies, and they fall into step. Their perfect unison is a happy accident.

“Long day?” Sonny asks. Mike shrugs

They’re quiet for a few blocks before Sonny tries again, this time asking “You hungry?” 

He shrugs again. “I guess. Haven’t eaten all day.” 

“I got some Thai food before.” 

“Sounds nice.” 

“Yeah. I got the noodles you liked, so if you’re hungry you can have that.” 

“You bought me food?” 

Sonny chuckles. “Of course I got you food. That’d be a dick move, wouldn’t it? Just getting myself food. No, of course I got you something.”

“Of course.” Mike agrees, and lets himself pull closer to Sonny. When they get back to their apartment, he’s relieved with a hug. A long lasting hug, where the two of them stand in front of their door, eyes closed, gripping each other.

“Hey.” Mike says when they eventually pull apart, his eyes resting on Sonny’s. He tries to ignore the extra prevalent worry lines around his eyes. “Your birthday is coming up.”

“Sure is.” Sonny agrees, touching his cheek.

“We should go somewhere. Somewhere nice. Somewhere nobody knows us, where we can just be together. Can we do that?”

“Uh…I’d have to look at my vacation time but, if we can swing it, sure.”

Mike rests his hand over Sonny’s. “But promise me something first.”

“Anything for you.”

“Wherever we go, you have to delete your CNN app before we get on the plane.”

Sonny’s genuine laugh and smile make Mike chuckle too.

“Like I said, anything for you.”

****

With the bathroom window open just a crack on a warm spring morning, the fan can actually do it’s job in removing the steamy air. It allows Mike and Sonny to fully see themselves. Mike can see in their reflection how Sonny, throughout his morning routine, keeps looking at him.

"What?" Mike asks while doing up his tie. 

Sonny spits into the sink. "Nice shirt."

"Yeah. Right. That's what you were looking at."

"I mean, hey, nice ass too, but that's not new."

Mike laughs. 

"Seriously, you're wearing your Christmas shirt today. Is that supposed to bring you luck?"

"Something like that."

The fan takes over talking for a few moments, until Sonny breaks in again.

"So...just let me know when it's over, okay? So I know you survived?"

"Promise"

Sonny stops him, and pulls him in for a long kiss. 

"Come home to me, okay?"

"Okay.”

It’s days like this, were Sonny knows that Mike is going into a dangerous situation, that remind him why their working together was such hell. It’s the knowing he was going into danger. At least when he only found out afterwards he wasn’t scared the whole time before. He keeps checking his phone, waiting on a call or a text to confirm Mike’s still alive.

_Might be mid day. Might be afternoon. It’s an evolving situation._

Sonny hates hearing that. He hates knowing there’s no way of knowing, even for them. He picks up every call he gets instantly, and every time it’s from a number that isn’t Mike’s.

Including the last one.

“Is this Dominick Carisi Junior?”

“Yes.” Sonny’s blood runs cold.

“I’m calling from Mercy General Hospital. You’re the emergency contact of a Michael Dodds. He’s been brought in with a gunshot wound that nicked his femoral artery-“

“I’m on my way.”

“Come to the front desk and you’ll be directed from there.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” Sonny’s already pulling on his jacket before he’s hung up.

“Carisi, where are you going?” Liv asks.

“Lieu, I’m sorry but I gotta go, it’s urgent-“

“Woah, slow down. Is someone hurt?”

“Yes, and I’m sorry but I really gotta go.” He says, throwing his things together before running past her, and Fin and Rollins.

“Where’s he goin’?” Sonny just hears Fin say before he checks out. The only thing he can think about is getting to the hospital, seeing Mike, making sure he’s okay.

But he’s not. He needs blood, again, which Sonny gives again. He’s forced to sit in a claustrophobic waiting room until a doctor calls out for the family of Mike Dodds, at which point he’s led to an ICU room where Mike’s pale and asleep. He’s left there to hold his drugged boyfriend’s hand, while his brain freaks out and calms down all at the same time.

It takes a few hours before Mike comes out of his haze, but when he does he smiles up at Sonny.

“Hey babe.”

“Hey yourself.” Sonny scoots closer and presses a few kisses to his cheek. “Man, you’re a real glutton for punishment, huh?”

That knocks the smile right off his face. “T-There was…someone…someone I couldn’t see…I couldn’t…I-I couldn’t…”

His heart monitor spikes, and Sonny closes his arms around him.

“Shh, shh it’s okay. You made, okay? You’re safe now. You survived.”

“I-I could’ve-“

“I know baby, I know.”

Sonny has to talk him down, reducing him from weeping to just sniffling, until he’s back to breathing normally. The morphine button gets pushed a few times, settling his nerves and his pain. It’s silent for a long while, the two of them holding hands and giving each other looks every so often. Looks that start off sad, but grow to include little relieved smiles.

“You know, I realized something today.” Sonny offers gently.  “You never got shot before you were with me. And you were in the army.” 

“Special forces. Interrogation. Nobody was shooting at me then.” 

“Okay, fine, but even after that you never got shot. I’m starting to think you’re doing that on purpose.” 

He sputters a laugh. “Yeah? I’m getting shot on purpose?” 

“Now that you know how good the ‘I’m so happy you survived’ sex is.” 

They both laugh, and Sonny pushes a hand through his boyfriend’s greasy hair. 

“Yes. You caught me. I’ve been doing it on purpose. I can’t get enough laying on my back while you do all the work.”

“I knew it.” He pecks Mike’s cheek, and squeezes the hand he’s still holding tight. “But could you do me a favor? Just ask me if you want something special? Because this is really getting old.” 

“I disagree. I think it spices up our relationship.” 

“Uh huh, sure.” Sonny rolls his eyes, his smile unchanged, as he leans in for another peck on the cheek. They’re still close together when they hear the door open. Sonny rests back in his chair and looks over his shoulder, only to feel his heart lurch at the sight of the Chief peering at them. 

“Dad.” Mike’s voice sobers. The Chief nods. 

“Son. Detective.” 

“Hello Chief.” Sonny rises to his feet, while trying to keep the worry off his face. 

“Dad, I wanted to talk to you…” 

“I’m all ears.” 

There’s a silence, and Sonny glances down at Mike, only then realizing it’s his cue to leave. Just as he’s about to pass the older Dodds on his way out, he hears a groan behind him. 

“Hey, don’t do that.” Sonny re-crosses the room and pushes the button on the side of the bed, raising it for him to sit up straight instead of flat. Mike clears his throat, and glances up at him. 

“Thanks.” 

“Of course.” He pats Mike’s hand, the one he was just holding, before leaving the room. He only makes eye contact with the Chief for a second before disappearing out the door. 

“So…you and Detective Carisi…” William crosses his arms over his chest. Mike’s heart clenches.

“Yeah.” 

He looks down, then to the wall, then the floor, where his eyes stay as he walks closer to the bed. 

“How long?” 

“Oh..uh…” he has to search past his haze. “Gotta be a year and a half now. Our anniversary was in September, so…” 

“So a year and a half.” The older man confirms. “Right after you started at SVU.” 

The shame wells up, and Mike looks down at his hands. 

“Yeah, dad.” 

“And Alice? Does she know anything about this?” 

Mike sighs. “She knows. She’s in on it.” 

The silence unfurls around them. Mike waits a long few minutes before looking at his father. His face is…softened. Changed. His eyes are on Mike, and his arms are at his sides. 

“She’s in on it?” 

“I was afraid of coming out. She’s my friend, she agreed to be my cover story. You know how it is with cops.” 

“So…the engagement…the living together…” 

“I haven’t lived with her since that November. I still pay half the rent, but most of my things aren’t there.” 

“And…so…she knows.” 

“Yes. She knows. She’s known since I got shot the last time, because she helped Sonny get me home.” 

“Sonny?” 

“Oh. Right. Detective Carisi.” 

“And you went home to his home.” 

“Yes.” Mike rests his head against the raised back of the bed. 

“So that night I came to visit you, and Alice said you were out for a walk-“ 

“We were just relaxing at home when she called me. He helped me get there.” 

The older man lowers himself into the chair Sonny occupied last, his hands resting on the arms of the seat. 

“Why, son? Why keep all this a secret?” 

“You know why. It’s not safe, being an out cop.” 

“But me? Why not tell me?” 

“Because…I was afraid of what you’d think. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” 

The meds hold back his tears, as does his looking away when he talks. The look on his father’s face when he turns back nearly breaks his heart. It’s the most pained he’s ever seen his father.

“You thought I’d be disappointed in you? Over this?” 

“I broke protocol, I was sleeping with someone who I was supposed to be superior to- and you’re always talking about my needing to settle down.” 

“Which you did anyway.”  

Mike bites his lip and looks down at his hands. 

“I just…you know…you know…” Mike grasps, but he knows his father doesn’t. How could he? 

He wants to tell him he doesn’t care about being a lieutenant. He doesn’t care about getting promoted. He doesn’t want to be a part of this life anymore.

_I won’t put that on him. Not now. Later._

“Son…” The Chief clears his throat, and moves forward on his seat, taking the hand that’s still holding onto Sonny’s warmth. “Please. Don’t…just…just know that I’m still proud of you.”

“You’re not mad?” Mike asks, still keeping his gaze averted.

“No. I’m not. I’m not thrilled, but I’m not mad. You’re still my son, I’m still proud of you.”

“And you’re not just saying that because I got shot again?”

“Maybe a little. But it’s true. You’re still my son. I don’t want you thinking you need to hide from me.”

 _Tell him. Tell him now._  

“Dad-“

“No. Just, hear me out. I know I haven’t done a good job of making sure that you know I love you and all, but I do. I love you, son. I love you. I’m proud of you. I’d hate to think of you dying and not knowing that.”

“I-I love you too, dad.” Mike chokes on his words, the medicine betraying him and loosening up his emotions. His dad stands and pulls him into an awkward hug, and Mike still hugs back.

“I’m sorry you had to hide for so long. You don’t have to hide from me anymore.” William murmurs.

 _Tell him later._  

“Would you feel better with Detective Carisi in the room? Do you want me to go get him?”

Mike can only nod, his head swimming after everything that’s happened. He pulls the blankets tight up around himself, while his mind tries to catch up to his reality.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So sorry this is a day late, things yesterday worked out a bit stupid. But here it is! I still like the way this turned out, even though it's a bit sad. 
> 
> Hope you guys have a decent Monday!


	6. May through November, 2017

“Are you cold?” Sonny asks when he comes through the door, grocery bags in hand. Mike looks up from his phone and clicks it off, hiding the page of farm listings. He’s laid on the sofa, covered from the waist down with a blanket. He’s wearing Sonny’s Fordham sweatshirt, warming him from the waist up.

“I’m alright.”

“You sure? Cuz I’ll turn up the heat if you’re cold.” Sonny makes his way over and shifts his bags to his left hand, leaving the right one to ruffle Mike’s hair.

“I’m okay.”

“You hungry?” Sonny comes around to Mike’s line of sight, taking in his sleepy features.

“Food sounds good”

Chinese food, of course, but served on plates instead of out of the containers like usual. Sonny arranges the TV trays- only bought for this reason- before carefully helping Mike sit up. Halfway through their food, Mike takes the pills that Sonny placed on the corner of his plate. They’re comfortable with the silence only interrupted by sips and chews.

“Look at that, you finished your meal today.” Sonny says when he notices Mike’s empty plate.

“Finally. I think you’re right, a quarter pill is enough for me to work with.”

“That’s a relief. Maybe you won’t lose forty pounds like last time.”

Mike chuckles. “I didn’t lose that much. You’re exaggerating.”

“Babe, you wore my clothes when you went back to work.”

“Yeah, and you liked it.”

Sonny rolls his eyes, and smiles before taking their plates. “Yeah, well, whatever. Here’s to you not becoming a rail again.”

“I fit into your clothes, what does that make you?” Mike calls after him, only answered by a laugh and a running faucet. When Sonny returns, he gathers up his love and walks him to their bedroom, standing on the side of his injured leg, giving him the support he needs to make it there without being carried.

“Did you wanna shower tonight?” Sonny asks after sitting him on the bed. Mike thinks a moment while his breath evens out before shaking his head.

“No. No, I think I just want to sleep. Can we do that?”

“How can I say no to sleeping with you? Wait, hang on, that sounded more romantic in my head.”

Mike shakes his head, and they laugh before getting ready for bed. Sonny’s hands are sure in the way they roll Mike onto his side so they can press close, before clicking off the lights. Mike’s heart lurches a moment, until familiar arms encircle his waist.

“G’night Mike.” Sonny plants a kiss on his cheek, then another carefully on his nose.

“Good night, Sonny.” Mike replies, letting his eyes close. He lets his mind go blank, focusing instead on the warm body pressed behind him. He maps where Sonny leaves patches of warmth over his skin. He follows the roads that lead down his spine, his thighs, his calves, to where they end at their ankles sandwiched between one another. He backtracks, this time up to his shoulders to the space continually warmed on the back of his neck, just beneath Sonny’s nose. And he follows this framework down his arms and over his hip, to where Sonny holds Mike close.

There’s a flash of desire, to rip off their clothes and feel them press together, to be two souls inhabiting the same body that they cannot find the beginning or the end of. The throb of pain in Mike’s damaged leg washes the thought away just as soon as it comes, reminding him just how hard that would be. He wants, he does, but for now this is close enough.

Instead, Mike takes one of Sonny’s hands between his own, and carefully starts rubbing it. He can feel, just beneath that delicate skin, the way the bones and tendons and muscles all carefully work around each other to form a part of his favorite person. Gently, he massages the places where his fingers meet his hands, wondering what reasoning Sonny must be giving to this touch. The weight of Sonny’s hand is heavy and warm, alive but letting Mike paw at him like he were already sleeping. 

He lingers at the joint of Sonny’s ring finger, while trying to imagine the perfect ring to rest there. 

****

From his place in bed, Mike listens to their usual morning soundtrack. It’s not as loud with only one person, but it’s still enough to make Mike’s heart ache. The flowing faucet and scraping toothbrush signal that he’s going to be alone for some time, while his boyfriend goes off to work without him. He’s not scared that he’ll be incapacitated- he can walk just fine- but he doesn’t want to be alone. Two weeks of constant companionship now ending.

When Sonny gently begins to sing, Mike grabs his phone and faces it towards their bathroom door. In the camera’s eye, the bathroom is a shining portal in a land of darkness. Sonny comes into view of the open door, while quietly singing the words of a song that Mike doesn’t know. He hopes that his phone picks up on the audio. He wants that sound later, when he’s bored and alone.

“Alright, I think I’m headed-“ Sonny exits the bathroom, then tilts his head. “Are you recording me?”

“Yeah.”

Sonny grins, something the camera doesn’t pick up, before coming over and planting kisses on his lips and cheeks.

“I fucking can’t with you. That’s too much.”

“In a good way, right?”

“Sure, in a good way.” He flashes a smile.  “Hey, uh…you don’t do that when I’m getting changed and stuff, do you?”

“No, of course not. That would be a total violation of privacy.”

“Uh huh. So there’s no chance I’m gonna end up naked on some peeping tom porn sight?”

Mike grimaces, thinking. “You shouldn’t. I can’t think of anything I’ve taken that might be creepy. But here” he holds his phone out. “Look through, if there’s anything you don’t like you can delete it.”

Sonny quirks a brow. “You’re serious?”

“Sure, why not? I don’t want you to worry about this.”

Sonny takes the device and unlocks it, but he stills. “Is this a ploy so I’ll hang around here longer?”

Mike colors. “Uh…it wasn’t supposed to be, but if it works.”

“Oh you are such a bad liar.”

“I am not! I swear, that wasn’t what I was thinking.”

“Well it almost worked.” Sonny perches on the edge of the bed and kisses Mike, letting their tongues slide together and his eyes close for a few lovely moments. Mike’s arms snake around his torso, pulling his sturdy form close.

“Stay…please….” Mike murmurs against his lips.

“Baby, you know I wanna-“

“So stay. Stay with me.”

Sonny’s face saddens in the radiant bathroom light. One hand rests against Mike’s cheek, their foreheads resting together.

“I’ll come home at a normal time tonight. Promise.”

“You’ll have work-“

“I’ll bring it home with me, I don’t care. I’m not gonna be away all goddamn day, I promise.”

A promise received. Mike nods, and leans in for another kiss, trying to absorb the feeling of his love’s skin against his own before he’s left alone.

He’s not alone the entire day. No, he has to go to his physical therapy appointment, where Naomi asks where his ‘Italian Stallion’ is today, to which he rolls his eyes and focuses on his breathing instead. He comes home not long after, eats whatever he can find, and procrastinates on the exhaustive task of showering. He puts it off until after Sonny has returned, after Sonny has made them dinner, after Sonny has set about catching up on the work he’s missed.

He showers with the bathroom door open, but the seat in their shower and the nonslip bottom make it unlikely he’ll need to call for help. He slides the door closed after getting out, but it opens again while he’s still stood there, towel around his waist, letting himself drip dry.

“All okay in here?” Sonny asks, resting a hand on his back. Mike looks at him in the mirror, taking in his open shirt and undone tie. Most of that view disappears as Sonny slides behind him, hugging him from behind.

“Just fine.”

“And your leg? How’s your leg?”

“Getting better. Not as sore as before.”

“That’s a relief.” Sonny’s lips graze Mike’s shoulder. “Such a relief. You deserve to feel better.”

“You help.”

Sonny scoffs, and his lips keep moving, covering the bare skin and taut muscle they find. Again, Mike keeps his eyes fixed on the mirror while letting his head loll to the side, letting the warmth soothe his aches.

“This helps.” Mike reaches back to muss his lover’s hair. A puff of breath sends a shiver over Mike’s neck and down through his spine.

“Yeah? This helps?” His breath hovers over Mike’s skin, sending another wave of goosebumps over his skin.

“So much.”

“You sure your legs feel alright?” Sonny asks, glancing at Mike’s gaze in the mirror. It takes Mike a second to think, realizing that the blood is quickly leaving his brain.

“Uh…I think so…”

“Y’know what? It’s alright. I think I can support us both.” He grins at Mike in the mirror, and reaches down to push his towel away. Mike’s glad the mirror stops at their chests, so he doesn’t have to see his growing hard on. Sonny’s hand snakes down to his hips, massaging the area around his base. “How’s that sound?”

“Sounds…wow…” Mike offers, watching his boyfriend’s eyes slip shut as he continues kissing.

“Yeah, babe? This workin’ for you?” His hand dips between his thighs, fondling his balls. Mike takes a deep breath, but his pressing body answers for him. He wants to look down, see the way their skin looks together, but he can’t resist gazing at Sonny’s reflection. His face, so open and expressive, betrays every bit of pleasure he feels.

Even with the odd position and the heightened sexual tension, they take their time. Sonny drops to his knees to lube his lover’s opening with his tongue, only to reappear with a sensual smirk adorning his lips. They watch themselves, watch the way their faces twist and contort as they adjust. They study the way their lips form around heavy breaths and quiet declarations of love. There’s a certain beauty in the way they take each other in, rediscovering the beauty of passion stricken faces.

They watch as their names tumble from each other’s throats, and the tempo of Sonny’s hips increase. His hands remain clamped around Mike’s hips, supporting him enough to let him relax, while their bodies coalesce and their passions to mix. They can’t tell, in their lost focus, whose body releases first, spurring who to release second. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the way their bodies rise and fall as one, and the way their bodies press seamlessly together. Despite the easy tempo they breathe hard, filling their lungs with one another.

“I love you.” They speak these words to one another, breathe them, as if they’re a secret, while they hold onto one another. Once again they drink each other in, relishing in layers of pulsing skin and hot breath that reminds them they are still capable of this intensity of love.

****

Mike contemplates for a brief moment taking the train to meet his father, only to decide better and hail a cab instead. The erratic jostling and sharp turns hurt his leg less than standing on It for too long. Still, he’s relieved when he makes it to the restaurant and finds his father already seated. It’s late for lunch, so the place is on the sparse side to begin with, but their table is set aside from everyone else it seems.

Mike’s father greets him with a hug and a heartfelt “Hey Mike” before they sit down together. They get their meal obligations out of the way first, before settling in to talk. Mike folds his hands, letting the sides of his ring press against two fingers they usually don’t.

“So how’s the leg doing, son? You’re heeling up okay?”

“Yeah dad, it’s healing just fine.”

“That’s good, that’s good. Been going to all your PT appointments?”

“Of course.”

“Bet having someone around to help you recover is a relief.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“I mean, not that this is his first time. He helped you last time too.”

“And the first time.”

“Ah, yes, right, right.” The Chief nods, and takes a sip of the iced tea placed in front of him. “That sure was a while ago.”

“Sure feels like it.”

“Maybe you should stop making such a habit of it, Mike. Heroism only gets you so far.”

“I know dad.”

“So…so you two were together the first time this happened to you? How long have you been together then? I know you told me already, but that night was so hectic.”

“It’s alright, dad. Gonna be two years…in September. In three months.” Mike’s smile comes naturally at the thought. 

“Wow, two whole years.” William nods. “Sounds serious.”

His smile slips a bit, and he starts thumbing the heavy ring on his right hand, turning it over.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Haven’t you two talked about this? It’s been two years.”

“We haven’t hammered out specifics, dad.”

“Aren’t you serious? Because if you’re not, son, you really need to move on. Don’t waste your time, or his.”

“Dad, please, okay? We’re not wasting our time.”

“How do you know?”

“I know because we talk about our future together, all the time. That’s why.”

“So you can see yourself getting married then?”

Mike pushes a hand through his hair. “Yes, dad.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“Well we are. Or, I am. Ever since…I’ve always known with him.”

William nods, before his eyes fall on his son’s hand. “Is that his ring you keep playing with?”

Mike’s hand stops moving, and he glances down before nodding. “Yes, it is.”

“You always wear that?”

“Just a reminder to be safe. You know.”

There’s a lull before the Chief answers “That’s nice, son. That’s really nice.”

“I thought so.” He touches the deep red gem in the center of the piece. “It’s a good way to remind myself I have someone waiting for me.”

Another silence, followed by a question. “You really love him, don’t you?”

“Yes, dad. I really do love him.”

“And it sounds like you’re serious about him.”

“I am. We are. We don’t have our next ten years planned out, but we’re going to make things official. Eventually.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“In that case, there’s something I want to give you.” The chief picks up a folder from one of the empty seats at the table, and hands it over to him. Mike takes it and opens it, and finds himself turning his head sideways before removing the first paper. He has to look over it three times, trying to piece together the words.

“Uh…dad? Why are you showing me the deed to your burial plot?”

“Well, it was me and your mother’s, but she’s decided whenever she goes she’s going to be cremated, and I figured I’ll do the same.”

“Sooo…” Mike looks at the paper again, then at his father.

“So. I didn’t know if you two had made any plans. These two plots are all bought and paid for and I don’t have a use for them now. They’re yours if you want them.”

A chill passes over Mike’s skin, and he looks at the paper once again. A knot takes hold in his throat for a moment. He waits for it to ease.

“That’s…um…that’s really nice of you, dad.”

“I know you’ll have to talk it over with him, but hold onto that. Just having one less thing to worry about makes life a little easier.”

Mike nods and puts the paper away, closing it so he doesn’t have to look at it anymore. He’s glad for his father’s new path of thinking, and for the distraction of food. It keeps them from touching on death, and keeps Mike’s mind off his Sonny being in danger.

Mike thinks their afternoon is over until his father offers to get him home. Mike doesn’t want to invite his father up to their apartment, but still he does. He thanks his father for paying for the cab and asks him up for a little while, and after pretending to reject he agrees.

The apartment is an ice box, the perfect temperature for Mike to wear oversized sweats in. Still, he turns up the heat before his father can complain about it.

But his father is already distracted. He’s taken in by the small collection of pictures on the living room wall when Mike comes back with a soda. He says nothing. He lets his father peruse, but when he comes away from it, he’s wearing his somewhat neutral expression that Mike reads as ‘You chose right, son.’

He sees it again, later, when Sonny arrives home with dinner in hand and a smile on his face.

****

Mike sets his phone down to finish doing up his tie, and sees Sonny with his head bent over his small screen.

“Shouldn’t you get going?” Mike asks, tightening the tie around his neck, then checking himself in the mirror. Sonny clicks his phone off with a shrug.

“I’ve got time. What about you? You gonna leave?”

“Eventually. Can I drink my coffee first or am I being pushed out?”

Sonny puts his phone aside and rests his arms around Mike’s shoulders. “Not at all. Just thinking.”

“Oh no, that can’t end well.” He tries to joke, his hands caressing Sonny’s arms. Sonny shrugs.

“I’m just saying, you had a pretty big injury.”

“I bounced back fast though.”

“Yeah, sure, physically. But what about mentally? Maybe you need a little more time recovering.”

“I think I’m okay, Sonny. Really. More time at home won’t fix that.”

"Come on, just stay home, just for one more day. If for no other reason, to spend time with me. Nobody at work will mind. They'll just think 'oh that's too bad, Mike had a little setback' not 'oh, Mike's too busy getting fucked to come to work today.'

A laugh slips through Mike's lips. "You're horrible."

"Yeah, and you love it." He leans in for a kiss, tongue venturing into Mike's mouth and pressing against what he finds, a warmth spreading through them both. 

"Just stay." Sonny murmurs. “I was just kidding about the fucking, we'll cuddle all day if that’s what you want. Or we can do both…"

"Sonny..."

"Please." His grip tightens. "You're safe here. With me. Nobody here is trying to gun you down. I...I can't protect you out there."

"And I can't protect you. Not like I used to.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me.” Sonny rests his head on Mike’s shoulder, his arms dropping to hold Mike’s waist. The older man closes his eyes, inhaling the cologne and hair product mixed with his boyfriend’s scent.

“I’ll come home. I promise.”

“I know. Still…” Sonny murmurs, grip tightening even further. Mike’s eyes slip shut.

“I know.”

****

It’s warm enough outside that, the moment Mike gets into his apartment building, he casts off his suit jacket. He’d gone with a cream colored shirt that day, and it pales in comparison to the bright red shirt Sonny’s wearing when Mike sees him.

“Happy anniversary.” Sonny says once again, and closes the distance between them. Mike kisses him, taking in the tongue that slides into his mouth with practiced ease.

“Happy anniversary.” Mike repeats, finding Sonny’s hand and squeezing it. “What smells so good?”

“Eh. Chinese and beer. But, y’know, in plates and glasses instead of cardboard and bottles.”

“Sounds perfect to me. Let me just freshen up first?”

“Sure, go.” Sonny pecks his cheek. “You’ll feel better out of your work clothes, more relaxed.”

It’s true. Even what’s left of Mike’s leg pain eases when he changes into a pair of comfortable slacks, and one of his plaid shirts. This one is more fitted than the rest, so it looks decent when buttoned up. He feels good when he walks into the kitchen, but stops to just observe the way his boyfriend goes about setting their little table. When his attention is pulled away from that, Sonny beams.

“Aw, look at you, in one’a your foreclosed farmer shirts.”

“One that actually fits me.”

“As opposed to what, fitting me?”

Mike crosses the room to him. “No, as opposed to being too big.”

“Hey, they were comfy, weren’t they? You sure weren’t complainin’ when you were recovering.”

Mike loops his arms around Sonny’s neck. “No, I wasn’t. They’re good for layering under your Fordham sweatshirt.”

“I think it’s pretty much your Fordham sweatshirt now, isn’t it?” Sonny teases, the tip of his nose bumping against Mike’s. They share a giggle and a kiss before sitting down together.

It’s their usual dinner, but with an order of sushi on the table between them, an extra special treat. They eat, they talk, they let their socked feet brush against each other’s under the table.

“Wow. Two whole years.” Mike comes around to again once they’ve talked about their days.

“Yeah. Two whole years.” Sonny says, but something catches his voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Sonny looks away from his boyfriend, instead staring at his plate for a minute before he answers.

“I’m just…y’know, I’m sorry this year started off with me being kindof a dick.”

“Sonny-“

“No, I gotta say this. I mean, come on, who replies to ‘here’s hoping for a good 2017’ with an ‘oh please, you know what 2017 is gonna be like’?”

“Were you wrong?”

“Politically? No. But I let that fuck with us and I don’t like that I did that. I’m just really glad you stuck it out with me.”

Mike sets his fork down. “What else would I do? Leave because you had a rough patch?”

“Well, yeah, that too. You coulda done that. But I more meant you being there for me even when I wasn’t that great about being there for you.”

“You were there when I needed you though.”

“Was I?” Sonny’s fork goes down too, and he stares right back at Mike.

“Yes. You were. When I needed you there you stopped being Mr. Fix-It and back to being the good listener I fell in love with. You took care of me. You helped me pull myself back together again.”

“Nah, that doesn’t count, that was after we went away.”

“I’m not talking about me getting shot, Sonny.” Mike places the hand that usually wears Sonny’s ring over one of Sonny’s, and gives it a gentle squeeze. “The night after I killed that kid, you were there for me. You held me and you coddled me and you stayed up all night with me. And I _know_ that if I’d asked, you would’ve stayed home and watched over me all day.”

Sonny squeezes his lover’s hand. “I guess you’re right.”

“I don’t have to guess. I know I’m right. When it mattered, you were there.”

“I tried.” Sonny clears his throat. “I did. It was easier after Hawaii though.”

“It was. We needed that time, just us, no nonsense to bother us there.”

The smile that pulls over Sonny’s face almost squeezes his eyes shut. “Yup. Just you and me and all the lovemaking a man could ever wanna do.”

“You’re such a poet.” Mike half-jokes, and Sonny chuckles before he goes back to his food.

“I try. Oh, speaking of writing, I got a call back from the death lawyer today. Said our burial arrangements are all sorted out.”

Mike’s eyebrows raise. “How’d we get from poetry to burial? That’s a pretty big jump.”

“Nah, it’s not. Poets are writers and we gotta write our wills out. Which is what got me there.”

With that Mike makes a ‘huh’ expression before taking another bite of his food.

“That’s good.” He answers after swallowing.

“Sure is. Not like I’m in any big rush to use ‘em.”

“I know. Me either.”

“It’s just good to know. One less thing we ever need to worry about. Now we can dedicate all that worry to the farm and the bills piling up around it.”

“Not all farms are like that. Horse farms aren’t as susceptible to that.”

“Ah. Ok. That explains all the horse books I got you from the library while you were recovering.”

“You’re just figuring that out?” Mike teases.

“Be patient with me, I’m a bit slow over here.” Sonny concedes, and drains his beer glass. He keeps talking as he gets them both glasses of water. “Have you found anywhere you could put that knowledge to use?”

“A couple places. I think.”

“I hope they’re in New York.” Sonny sets their cups down, and takes a sip. “Please tell me they’re in New York. Don’t make me re-take the Bar.”

“Don’t worry, everywhere I’ve looked at is in New York. I won’t make you re-take the Bar, I promise.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

They taper off into quiet, the two of them sharing a vision of what could be while they finish off their dressed up take-out in their slightly-less-dressed-up clothes, wondering just how far off these futures might be.

****

“Lieutenant” the word in that voices causes severe déjà vu. Everyone’s heads turn from the board where everything is mapped out to see Mike, striding in, trench coat on over his suit.

“Dodds! Look at you.” Liv gets up and half hugs him, a greeting he reciprocates. “What, get bored at terrorism?”

“No, not at all. Actually, I’m here to help.”

“Help?” Liv asks.

“By help he means take over.” Another guy- Mike’s height, Asian, brown eyes, a sour look on his face- puts in.

“No, I actually mean help.” Mike insists. “Everyone, this is my partner Detective Harold Chan, Chan this is my old squad.”

“Ah yes, the nepotism unit, nice to meet you all.”

Sonny purses his lips, but his glare speaks loud enough on its own.

“Someone wanna explain what you guys are doing here?” Amanda asks. Mike sighs.

“The boyfriend- your rapist- is talking to some terrorists overseas. It seems they’re going to be coming here any day now. He’s set to meet them at the airport, whenever they come in.”

“So you’re here to do what exactly?” Fin asks.

“Make sure you don’t screw up.” Chan answers. Mike blinks hard, and takes a breath.

“What he means is-“

“No, I say what I mean.”

“-that the sensitivity this case needs is something we’re going to help you with.”

“God, you really can’t give it to anyone straight, can you?” Chan asks, then walks away. Everyone waits until he’s out of earshot.

“Christ, who pissed in his Cheerios this morning?” Sonny asks, looking at Mike. Mike shrugs.

“Who knows? Plenty of people with motive.”

****

Mike hasn’t missed this act. This charade. He hasn’t missed the two of them getting ready at the same time but leaving with a ten minute gap. He hasn’t missed trying to tamp down his feelings for Sonny, keeping at least one other person between them at all times. He hasn’t missed watching his ray of sunshine, his whole life, go out to deal with dangerous situations.

“Dodds” Liv says on the afternoon of the third day of their case. He goes into her office, shutting the door on instinct.

“Lieutenant?”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

He blinks. “I’m sorry?”

“This case, Dodds. Are you keeping me in the dark about something?”

His heart restarts. “No, Lieutenant. There’s nothing about this case I’m hiding from you.”

“You’re sure? Because I don’t like flying blind, Dodds. You know that. If there’s something about this case I need to know, you have to tell me.”

“Of course, Lieutenant. I wouldn’t betray you like that.”

She pauses a moment, then nods and sits back in her seat. “I know. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re just doing your job, I understand.”

“And you’re doing yours. But I have to admit, I’ve missed you doing your job here.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re still short-handed.”

She chuckles. “No I’m not. It’s true, Dodds. I’ve missed having you around. You and your input and your quiet feud with Carisi.”

He tilts his head “Quiet feud?”

“That hasn’t changed. You still don’t let him go on calls without a fight.”

“Oh. Sorry. And here I thought I’d outgrown that.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dodds. You won’t have to deal with him again after you leave.”

He nods to that, but his head turns when the door opens. Barba steps through, but stalls.

“I’m sorry, it seems I’ve walked into SVU from two years ago. I’ll go and come back.”

“No, you don’t have to, I’ll go.”

“Actually, Dodds, you should stay to help me explain this to Barba.”

Barba shuts the door behind himself, a wry smile playing on his face. “So this is why you were excited about working with joint terrorism. Tell me” Barba turns his gaze on Mike “at what point does this go from ‘diplomatically handle the situation’ to ‘fuck it, let’s just kill them all’?”

Mike’s startled by the aggression in his words, but doesn’t respond. Liv is that takes over talking, and ends up doing most of the explaining.

It’s brought to an end when their door swings open. “Lieu, Sarge, we gotta go now.”

“What happened?” Mike asks, his heart squeezing against his ribs.

“Kalia just called Rollins, said that Hafez kidnapped her. She also said he’s high out of his mind. We couldn’t keep her on the phone.”

They break into action, calling who needs to be called and dressing themselves in bulletproof vests. They set off, two by two. The pain in Mike’s chest only getting worse the closer they get to where she’s being held. An abandoned building, of course. They park on the other side of the block and start walking, with the setting sun hitting their backs.

“Fin, Chan, guard the exits. We’ll split and find our ways in.” Liv directs in a low voice, all of them aware how badly this could go. A sharp gust of wind snaps against their faces, reminding them to wake up. They break up seamlessly as the building grows closer. Mike gives Sonny what he wants to be an emphatic look before they split, following their partners.

 _Be safe_ he’d tried to tell Sonny.

Sonny had tried to say the same, but they had no way of knowing if it got through. All their thoughts go to the task at hand, scoping out this building that’s too big and too echoy to really sneak around in. Their footsteps reverberate unless taken very slowly. But that echoing leads them right to Kalia, tied up and whimpering beneath a sheet while her captor stands over her, screaming at her in Arabic.

There’s not a window to be seen, leaving them nearly in the dark. Sonny’s eyes adjust, letting him pick out Kalia and Hafez. And Amanda and Mike, when the time comes.

And the others. Two anonymous forms holding guns. Their eyes must be adjusted too, because when Sonny finds the second one, it’s with his gun pointed at Mike’s head.

A sweat breaks out over his skin. His ears ring over the sound of the crying girl and her screaming boyfriend. He feels thrust into a bad scene, watching a car accident. One he can’t stop. One he doesn’t know how to stop.

“MIKE!” Sonny screams before the trigger can be pulled. Both shooters turn on Sonny, picking him out easily with their bullets.

More shots. More screaming.

Three dead terrorists.

Sonny, bleeding out of two wounds in his shoulder.

“Sonny!” Mike sprints over the moment the bullets stop. He kneels in the darkness and finds his boyfriend’s grip closing around whatever he can, hard enough that he’ll probably leave bruises.

“Fuck!” Sonny cries. Mike whips off his jacket and presses it into his wounds, even as he screams louder. “Ah, fuck! Fucking hell!”

“I know, Sonny, I know-“

“Mike, they were, t-they were-“

“Stop talking.” Mike demands and pushes down on the wound. “It’s alright Sonny, you’re going to be alright. You’re going to be just fine-“

“Fuck, baby please-“

“just stay with me, Sonny.” Mike begs, leaning his weight on the wound. “Just stay with me, you’re gonna be fine.”

“Fuck, Mike it _hurts_ -“

“I know baby, I know, just stop talking.”

Sonny groans, keening into Mike’s shoulder as the blood pours out. Their voices overlap with Kalia’s crying, and a radio chattering. Mike’s ear, the one he felt the bullet fly by, rings as he tries to talk Sonny down. Sonny grits his teeth against his groans, but can’t stifle them when EMS shows up to take him away.

“I’ll ride along.” Mike throws out to his old squad mates while already following. Nothing is real, nothing is concrete. Nothing comes crashing down on Mike until he’s left in the hospital waiting room, covered in Sonny’s blood. He sits, while his brain searches for answers.

For next steps.

For _something_ he can do.

Of course, there’s nothing he can do. He’s not a doctor and he’s B negative, there’s nothing he can do besides sit and wait.

Wait for Liv, it seems, who shows up in the small room some time later. She’s covered in blood too, and her hair is up in a knot. She takes a seat beside him, and puts a hand on the small of his back.

“How’re you holding up?” She asks. He doesn’t answer, keeping his gaze down. “Well…I guess that answers why then.”

He gives her a look. She smiles slightly. “Why you don’t want him going on calls.”

The lump in his throat sinks its claws in. He averts his gaze to look down at his hands, where his lover’s ring is covered in blood. His jaw quakes. His heart squeezes even harder than before. If he could, he would.

****

“You got shot trying to save me.”

“Yeah, well, you got shot trying to save me. So aren’t we even now?”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny.” Sonny scoots closer, wincing when his shoulder moves. “Baby, please, don’t beat yourself up over this.”

“You got _shot_ because I didn’t see a guy with a gun pointed at me. You saved me. You could’ve-“

“I know.” Sonny kisses Mike, gently, just enough to stop him talking. “I know. But I didn’t.”

“How could I have forgiven myself if something happened to you?”

Sonny wraps his good arm around Mike’s shoulders. “I don’t know. With time, maybe.”

“Time couldn’t fix that.”

“But you don’t have to worry about that now, baby.”

Mike scoots closer and closes his eyes, feeling all the places where their bodies touch.

“Just…be safe now, okay? Stay with me a little while.”

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to.” Sonny says, leaning into Mike’s grasp. “Or, y’know, for three weeks. That’s how long they gave me until I can go back to work.”

“Three weeks, huh?” Mike asks, gently rubbing Sonny’s back.

“Yeah. Three weeks.”

“Let’s go somewhere.”

Sonny picks his head up to look at his boyfriend, taking in his dead serious face. “Huh?”

“Yeah. Let’s go somewhere.”

Sonny’s eyebrows shoot up. “Babe, I gotta go to physical therapy.”

“You can find physical therapy outside of New York City too, y’know.”

****

_I’m thankful for my family._

_I’m thankful for my life._

_I’m thankful for Mike._

_I’m thankful for my squad._

_I’m thankful for all the second chances I’ve been given._

“And you, Sonny?” Valerie finally asks. “What are you thankful for?”

“I…I’m thankful for all of the amazing people that have supported me and stood by me, no matter what.”

“Aw, that’s nice. And Bella? What’re you thankful for?”

Sonny’s heart is pounding from that statement. The words are hanging, right on the tip of his tongue, only to be crowded out by turkey and potatoes and green beans. He eats and turns the words over again and again, thinking on what he wants to say.

No, he needs to wait. He needs to wait until Veronica, his sweet little niece, gets bored of dinner and goes off to play, leaving the grown up’s to talk. She finishes her small portion and does just that before people start up with their second helpings. Sonny keeps eating, the nausea all in his head.

“Y’okay Sonny?” Bella asks when there’s a lull, bumping her shoulder against his, then pulling back. “Oh damn, does that hurt?”

“Nah Bells, it’s alright. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Hard to believe you took two friggin’ bullets and it doesn’t hurt.” Gina comments before taking a forkful of stuffing.

“Well it hurt like hell when it happened.”

“Has it changed you?” Gina keeps going. “You feel like a wise old cop now that you got shot?”

“Nah, not really.”

“No? Hasn’t given you a midlife crisis or anything like that?”

He chuckles. “No Gee. Did get me thinkin’ about some stuff, but nothing like that.”

“Like what?” His father asks.

_Do it. Now. Fucking do it._

“Well.” He sets his fork down. “It made me wanna tell you and ma something though.”

“Oh god.” His father takes a swig of his beer. Sonny laughs.

“Don’t be like that dad. It’s nothin’ bad, honest, but it’s something you should probably know.”

“What is it, Sonny?” His mother asks, putting on her concerned voice. Sonny takes a cleansing breath.

“Okay…well…maybe you guys already know this. I dunno. But I’m actually bi.”

“You’re _what_?” His father asks immediately.

“Bi, dad. Bisexual.”

“Sweet Jesus-“ Valerie mutters before Gina cuts her off.

“Oh good lord, if you two wanna have a cow can you do it outside?”

“Gina!” Their father snaps. She gives an earnest look.

“What? You’re makin’ a big deal outta nothin’, I can already hear you freaking out.”

“Why aren’t you freaking out, huh? What, did you know or somethin’?”

“Dad.” Teresa steps in. “We used to go to the mall and rate guys together. Trust me, we knew.”

Sonny smirks. _Huh. Good one, leaving out how we’d rate the girls too._

“You all knew? And we didn’t?” Valerie stammers.

“Ma, please.” Gina says again. “Don’t act so betrayed. All guys are at least a little bi, it’s no big deal.”

“I’m not!” Their father exclaims.

“Well, yeah dad- y’know what? I’ve got a book that explains all this, but I doubt you’re gonna wanna read it.”

“No I don’t wanna read it!”

“Here we go.” Teresa chuckles.

“Could you all save the theatrics for later? There’s a reason why I’m telling you this.”

“What, you want us to set you up with someone?” Gina asks, already perking up at the idea. Again, Sonny can’t help his smirk.

“No, Gee. I don’t need help getting set up with anyone because I’m actually with someone already.”

“What?” His sisters exclaim in unison, the noise startling Sonny and Tommy alike, who’s trying very hard to blend in with the wallpaper.

“You didn’t tell me this!” Gina freaks out.

“Well every time I thought to you were having a man emergency of your own. It seemed wrong to brag about having a guy that’s not a piece of crap when you’re still stuck with the lousy picker.”

“Who is this guy? Why didn’t we get to interrogate him first, huh?” Teresa starts, but Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m letting my little sister go after my boyfriend. His name is Mike, by the way.”

“Mike…” Valerie tests the name to herself.

“Yeah. Mike. We’ve been together for a little over two years. Anyway, the reason I’m tellin’ you all this is because I was hoping he could come to Christmas this year.”

“Christmas?” Dominick asks, dazed.

“Yeah. Well his family doesn’t usually do anything. Actually I was wondering if they could come around and everyone could meet.”

Dominick pushes a hand through his silver hair and stares at the Thanksgiving turkey for a long minute, before looking at his bewildered wife.

“So…what I’m hearing is that my son has been dating another man for over two years, and he wants to bring this man, and his whole family to _our_ Christmas?”

“Yeah dad. That’s what I’m saying.”

Again Valerie and Dominick share a look.

“Well, if mom and dad don’t wanna have ‘em over then we’ll just have Christmas at our house this year.” Bella volunteers. “How big is his family? I’m sure they could fit into our place.”

“It’s just his dad and his brother. His mom lives in India, I don’t think she’d fly out for this.”

“Well your place is pretty big, we could just have it there.” Gina offers instead. “Y’know, if mom and dad don’t feel like hosting. For whatever reason.”

Sonny’s heart swells at the support of his sisters.

“Yeah, that would work too.”

“No, no we don’t need to do any of that.” Valerie cuts in. “We’ll have Christmas here.”

“And Mike and his family can come too?” Gina’s question comes out as the attack it is. Valerie looks at her husband, who’s clearly defeated.

“Yeah. Fine. Sure. They can come too.”

“Alright. Sounds good to me.” Sonny says, pleased, and goes back to eating. So do his sisters, even though their parents keep looking between each other, like they’re trying to figure out how they got mugged in plain daylight and nobody came to their rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who just spent an entire day writing instead of doing homework! 
> 
> Haha, it's okay though, I'll be fine. I've got all of tonight and tomorrow too. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this update, I know I enjoyed getting to write it.


	7. Christmas 2017

It’s four in the afternoon when the next knock comes on the door of the Carisi home. Valerie answers, and exclaims when she sees her snow dusted son. She pulls him down for a tight, rocking hug, despite the flakes melting onto her skin and the wind that blows in behind him.

“Ma, it’s so good to see you.”

“Aw, it’s good to see you too baby, I missed you so much.”

“I know, Ma, I know.” He pulls back as the door closes behind him, and puts an arm around her. “Ma, I have some people for you to meet. This is Mike” he pauses and lets them shake hands. “And his brother, Matt,” he pauses again.  “And this is…” Sonny pulls a face “Sorry, what should she call you?”

The Chief laughs. “It’s quite alright, son. Chief William Dodds, nice to meet you Ma’am”

“Chief. Wait. Chief Dodds?” She asks, still holding onto his hand.

“That would be me. Here, I brought a bottle of wine. Sonny said you’re a red wine household?” He asks, extending the hand with the bagged bottle.

“How sweet of you.” She takes the offering and pastes on a smile as the group sheds their outerwear. Sonny follows the noise into the living room where everyone is sat around, except Veronica who he can hear playing in the family room. His sisters are out of their seats in an instant, passing out hugs like candy and over-ingratiating themselves to the new men in their domain. Dominick Senior only offers curt hellos, accompanied by handshakes.

“Wait, Chief Dodds?” Bella echoes her mother’s question. Again, the older man smiles and agrees, before she turns to look at Mike. “Wait. So, that makes you Sergeant Dodds, right?”

He offers a meek smile. “Yes, it does.”

“You’re the one that got shot and left SVU, aren’t you?”

“I am, but not because of the shooting.”

“Nah, he was already leaving. Getting shot was, like, the world’s worst going away present.” Sonny explains, sitting on the couch where there’s room for him and Mike, everyone else finding their place again.

“You’re the one that got shot in the arm, right?” Gina asks.

“The first time, yes, I was shot in the shoulder.”

“The first time? Christ, how many times you gonna get shot?”

“Gee, what the fuck?” Sonny cuts in.

“Wha? I don’t get to interrogate the guys you bring home?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because, unlike yours, mine don’t need interrogating.”

“Now if you ever need someone to do interrogations for you, you call Mike.” The Chief puts in.

“Dad-“

“What? Why shouldn’t they know?” The older man looks at the gathered group. “You know Mike did a tour in Iraq as part of Special Forces. Worked as an interrogator for eighteen months to help defend his country.”

“Woah…” Teresa stares, but she doesn’t look scared. Not scared the way Tommy does, anyway.

“So…did you…you know, torture people?” Tommy’s question is answered with a smack from his wife. Mike chuckles.

“It’s okay Bella. No, I didn’t torture anyone. And, by the way, anyone who tells you torture works clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

“So what would you do? Just talk to them?” Tommy braves another question, and Mike shrugs.

“A lot of it was talking. Should I demonstrate?”

“Sure, I guess.”

Mike sits on the edge of his seat and folds his hands.

“Is there something I can do for your kids?” Mike’s voice is low and gentle, and his eyes are fixed right on Tommy. “You want them educated? I can get them educated. I can make sure they’re safe and educated. I’ll make sure they never have to wake up to a bomb going off over their heads ever again. Is that what you want? What do you want? Tell me, what does the end of this look like for you? How do you plan on getting out of this horrible situation? Which, by the way, you put yourself into. You have to know you can’t go home. You know you can’t go home, right? How about we make our peace with that. But this doesn’t have to be the end. Not entirely. Help me figure out a way to give you a life. Because you can live. You can live to see your children grow up. It doesn’t have to end this way.”

Tommy squirms in his seat and looks away. “Oh my god, I’ll tell you any of my secrets if it means you’ll stop looking at me like that.”

The group breaks out in laughter, and Mike smiles, sitting back. “Nice to know I’ve still got it.”

“What’re you doing in here?” Sonny’s mom asks in shock. Sonny waves her off.

“Don’t worry, Ma. Mike’s just demonstrating what interrogation really looks like.”

“Isn’t that…cheery. Don’t you guys want anything to drink? Dominick, didn’t you offer them anything to drink?”

“It’s ok, Ma. I’ll get us drinks, I know where they are. I’ll get you a beer. You too, Chief?”

“Sounds alright to me.”

“And Matt? What can I get for you?”

“Uh…a soda if you have it.”

“Do you really need a soda?” William mutters to his son.

“Don’t worry about it, Chief. My mom buys ‘em in bulk at a big box store in Jersey, I got plenty to go around.” Sonny offers before disappearing into the next room. He returns to the sound of his sisters taking over the conversation in the way they always do.

“…and my god, the way this Santa just sagged in his seat, like he was falling asleep.” Bella goes on between sips of her wine.

“Well. Nobody likes a sagging Santa,” Mike comments, and Sonny gives him a knowing smile.

“Nope, nobody likes a saggin’ Santa.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bella asks.

“Just an inside joke, something that happened on the job.”

“Aw hell, what, you guys see a half naked Santa with a low hanging sack?” Teresa asks. Sonny chokes on his sip of beer before he can laugh.

“God, Tee, no. Nothin’ like that.”

“Well what’s so damn funny then?”

“Ah, it was the first Christmas- I guess the only Christmas- we worked together.” Sonny looks at his boyfriend. “You wanna tell it?”

“Uh. Yeah.” He sets down his bottle and clears his throat. “So the long and the short of it, we were looking for a teenager who was abducted, but we weren’t sure by who. So, we go to the home of the principal of the school this kid went to, thinking we could find a connection there. It was freezing outside, and Sonny kept banging on the door over and over again. He finally takes a break and looks at this inflatable Santa the guy has on his lawn that’s half fallen over. Well, anyway, he takes one look at that and goes ‘My father would have a cow if he saw Santa saggin’ on his lawn like that.’”

Again the group laughs, Sonny especially. “Jeeze, that’s your imitation of me?”

“When do I ever need to imitate you? You’re always there to do it for me.”

“I dunno what’s funnier, that or what happens next.”

“Oh, right, okay, so he says that and I tell him to knock again, and the guy finally answers. In the room with him are not one but two hookers, and one…I mean, I don’t think that was powdered sugar on her breasts.”

“I think you’re right about that.” Sonny agrees. “Oh my god, it was just one friggin’ thing after another. Like, do these kids have anyone to look up to? Hell, that case was-“

“Aren’t they all?” Mike cuts in. Sonny chuckles, with less mirth this time, and sips his beer. “Yup. Sure are.”

Valerie insists they stop with the cop talk, and that Sonny help her with dinner. Which he does, happily, leaving them all to talk on other things. Leaving Mike silent, sipping his drink, just listening. His father’s attention turns to Sonny’s sisters, while Matt goes off to help in the kitchen and drink his soda in peace. When Mike lowers his drink again, he catches Bella staring at him. He raises an eyebrow at her, and watches the way she looks at his hand before noticing his face.

“Did you go to Fordham, too?”

“Oh.” He glances down at the ring he’s wearing, the red gem a beacon on his pale skin. “Uh, no, it’s your brothers.”

“Really? Why’re you wearing it then?”

“Because…” He sets his bottle down so he can look at it more fully. “It makes me feel safe. And it reminds me I have someone to go home to.”

Her face softens, and she rests a hand over her heart. “Aw…”

“Yeah…” he smiles and looks at it again. “It’s funny, I’m not even sure he notices I wear it all the time.”

“That ring is on the wrong hand, son.” 

“Dad, if it-“ he cuts off at the look his father gives him, and resists rolling his eyes. “Dad, please.” 

“What’s up?” Sonny asks as he returns, wearing an apron with his sleeves rolled up.

“I’m just saying, might wanna look into that. You know, before you two turn into a common law marriage.” 

Mike’s “It’s not gonna-“ overlaps with Sonny’s “Don’t worry, soon enough-“ before they both stop and look at each other. 

“What?” Mike asks. 

“What?” Sonny asks. 

“No, you what? What’re you planning?” 

“Well I can’t tell you that, it’s a surprise. Why? What’re you planning?” 

“You’ll see.” 

“Not if you see first.” 

“Wow. I didn’t know I was in competition with the clock.” Mike chuckles.

“Not the clock per se. Well, you’ll see.” 

They share a laugh, and Mike shakes his head before looking at his dad. “You see what you started? Now I’m going to spend the next few months exercising my detective skills to try and figure this out.” 

“Hey, come on Mike, I’m just saying-“ 

“Ah yes, dad. You’re always just saying.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on. ‘I’m just saying, never leave your desk before your boss leaves his.’ ‘I’m just saying, make yourself indespensible.’ ‘I’m just saying, you should take the job at SVU, it’ll be a great stepping stone for you.’”

“I defy you to tell me what was wrong with that last one.”

“Dad, really?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m biased. What do you think, son?” William looks at Sonny. “Did that piece of advice turn out alright?”

“Uh…” Sonny looks between them. “Sorry babe. Maybe I’m biased too but I gotta agree on that one.”

“You suck.” Mike mutes his laugh by downing the dregs of his beer while Sonny chuckles.

“Yeah, whatever. Here, I’ll take that.” He picks up the empty bottle where Mike sets it down. “Water, right?”

“Yeah, water’s good.”

****

Dinner is a hearty affair, and despite the odd atmosphere collected over the dinner table, Mrs. Carisi makes sure that everyone has huge portions. Of course, that’s after everyone prays. That’s the last of the talking for a few solid minutes, before the initial hunger has worn off and people stop ferociously stuffing their faces. The compliments go to Valerie, of course. The conversation is light. Teresa talks about how she spent her morning with a few friends, Gina talks about her quiet morning alone (oddly enough, the first Christmas in years she hasn’t had some guy on the line.)

“What about you, Sonny?” Bella asks after recounting her morning with her perfect little family waking up bright and early to open presents. And, sure, they went to church after that.

“Oh, we slept in a bit. We went to midnight mass, so we didn’t have to worry about getting up early.”

“Lucky you.”

“Yeah, well, this one needs it.” Sonny lightly elbows Mike. “He’s getting over being sick for over a week. Didn’t get up until ten. Then we headed over to Liv’s place.”

“Yeah? How’s she doin’?”

“She’s doin’ just great. Rollins was around with Jesse, and their old Sergeant, John Munch, he was around too. And so was Fin, which meant Ken and Alejandro showed up with lil’ James in tow. Hell, even Barba dropped by while we were on our way out.”

“Jeeze, doesn’t he have people to spend his Christmas with?”

“Ah.” Sonny shrugs. “Why’m I gonna ask, right? Not my business.”

“Just like you never found out the father of that girl’s baby, right?” His father speaks up, making almost everyone’s utensils stills.  

“Yeah, I guess so.” Sonny agrees.

“And you’re sure that baby’s not yours?”

Sonny turns a look on his father. “Yes dad. I’m sure.”

“I’m just askin’, since you do like girls sometimes-“

“Dad. Stop. There’s no way Jesse’s my kid, that’s physically impossible.”

“Then why do you bring her up every chance you get?”

“Because she’s a sweet kid and babies are cute and adorable and when they fall asleep on your chest- oh my god, it’s enough to break your heart. Why am I explainin’ this to you? You have four kids, you should know about all this.”

“That’s with _my_ kids.”

“Well, I dunno, what can I tell ya, dad? Maybe I just care more than you.”

“You sayin’ I don’t care about you, boy?”

“No dad, I’m not. What I’m sayin’ is we’re different. That’s it.”

The tension breaks a few seconds later, when Veronica comes running into the room to show her mother a picture she drew with her new art set, diverting everyone’s attention.

Matt thinks about that little snippit of conversation even after they’ve left the table. He wonders where Sonny could find the nerve to talk to his father that way and not have his voice shake. He wonders if Sonny has some secret to being more confident, or if it’s just something you’re born with. It’s not the only thing he’s wondering, because he’s wondering just what Sonny meant when he asked Tommy about his ‘time inside’ later on during dinner. He waits until things are calmer, when half the family has moved back into the living room before going to sit near Tommy.

“So…are you the family screw up too?” Matt asks in a low voice. Tommy actually laughs.

“I guess I am. Though I married into it.” 

“Oh please, you’re not so bad.” Bella waves it off. “If you were you think you’d be a part of this family at all? That my dad _and_ Sonny would let that happen?” 

“You’ve got a point there.” He gives Matt a look confirming what he said anyway. Matt nods to that, and fidgets with the end of his slightly-too-long sleeve.

“You like Sonny?”

“Yeah, Sonny’s a good guy. We’ve butted heads here and there, but he’s family and he treats me like family. You know?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Matt concedes, but his thoughts go in a different direction. He wonders just how much he can tell these strangers without them staring at him like he’s crazy.

“It’s just…I know it’s different, for you, obviously. Because he’s your brother in law, not your brother…” Matt huffs. “I don’t want to sound…bad…or anything…but, I was kinda hoping that Mike being gay would make him a little less perfect? But then I meet the guy” he sighs “and he’s a cop, but he’s also a lawyer, and he’s funny, and he’s an amazing cook, and he adores the hell out of Mike, and they have this really nice place together… And it doesn’t help that the day before I had a single interaction with another person. And then burned the ramen I made for dinner.” 

The couple laughs with him, and Bella shakes her head. “Ugh, I know, I know. Sonny’s always the one that’s like the example, and the golden boy. Y’know, he does all these things and I’m over here like ‘I’m just trying to hold down a crappy job and you’re over there getting all the degrees? Like, how? What? Why?” 

“Oh god, that’s such a relief to hear. I thought I sounded like a jackass of a brother.”

“No, no sweetie, not at all. Trust me, all parents, even if they won’t admit it, have a favorite sibling. For us it’s Saint Sonny. I get what you’re talking about.”

“Seems like he might be my dad’s new favorite too.” Matt says, only to be answered by a burst of laughter from the kitchen.

“…that’s one of those situations that leaves me wondering ‘how the fuck am I still the new guy?’ Of course, the answer is that the last new guy left.” Sonny’s voice drifts into the living room.

“Sorry babe.” Mike laughs. “Dad, how’re things looking, getting a new detective into Manhattan?” 

“I’m trying, son, but you know how Liv is. She’s very particular about who she lets into her squad. I’ll tell her she needs to be a little less picky.” 

“Eh, maybe not. ‘A little less picky’ is how she got me. You go too much further on the ‘not picky’ thing that could be an issue.” 

“True. But it’s just a joke. I know Liv knows what she’s doing. She’s spent twenty years. At SVU while the average is three. Speaking of which, how many years have you been at SVU now Sonny?” 

“About three and a half. Started back in summer of fourteen.” 

“Dad-“ Mike cuts in.

“What? I’m just putting it out there. Not that I'm forcing you out the door son, because really, you've done some great work at SVU. Just don't squander your law degree. You should be out there, working your way up the legal ladder, rearing to take Barba’s job once he gets bumped to Deputy ADA.“

Sonny chuckles. "Well thanks, Chief."

“Wow. Your dad is…something.” Bella says. Matt nods.

****

Dessert is served. Presents are handed out. Alcohol continues to flow, tempering any hostile moods. Sonny and Bella end up sat off on one end of the couch, with Mike on his other side.

“You know, and then we went to Hawaii for my birthday.”

“Hawaii?” Bella scoffs. “Fuck you. How’d you afford that on cop salaries?”

“Well he has a little family money. Besides, we needed it. After what happened with him shooting that guy, and me being a pain in the ass for three months before, we needed it.”

“Do you have pictures? What’s that saying? Pics or it didn’t happen.”

He scoffs and reaches for his own phone, only to put it down and tap Mike’s shoulder. His head turns.

“Do you have your phone?”

“Uh…” he pats his hip, then his chest before pulling it out of his jacket pocket and handing it over.

“Thanks.” Sonny says, and opens Mike’s phone to his photos.

Bella marvels silently at the ease Mike has in handing over his phone, and the way Sonny knows how to open it. He opens Mike’s photo app and clicks on a folder marked ‘Hawaii’ and there’s a few hundred photos detailing their time together. Bella flicks through them, making no efforts to hide her jealousy.

“And you said you guys went somewhere after you went shot too, right? Did you go back here?”

“Nah, we went to a place up in the Catskills for that. Here.” He takes the phone back and taps around, finding the folder marked accordingly, where another few hundred photos are present. Nearly every photo of Sonny has him wearing a sling.

“Wow…he takes a lot of pictures of you, huh?”

“Yeah. Pretty damn cute, right?”

She smiles and pats her brother’s cheek. “Yeah. The two of you, you’re too much.”

“Aw, thanks Bella.” Sonny grins.

The mood stays light enough in the room as the sky outside turns black that the oldest Dodds feels okay about approaching Dominick Senior, who’s barely deviated from his spot on his recliner.

“You smoke cigars, Dominick?”

“Uh…on occasion, why?” Dominick’s words are the first few he’s spoken since dinner.

“Well I brought a few Monte Cristos, figured it would be a good way to get to know you.”

They head out to the sun room, which is at least ten degrees colder than the rest of the house. The two men go about the ritual of trimming and lighting the cigars, giving them something temporary to talk about. The elephant in the room bristles with every subject the chief tries to talk about, be it his work as a cop or Sonny’s life growing up.

“So…you’re uh…you’re having a time adjusting, aren’t you?”

“Huh?” Dominick Senior asks, midway through tapping off his ash.

“You know, with him and Mike. You’re having a tough time adjusting, huh?”

Dominick sighs and pushes his free hand through his mostly silver hair. “I don’t know. I just can’t relate to any of this. Can you?”

The chief thinks, staring out the blackened windows of the sunroom. “I can. To an extent. I went through a phase of that.”

“Of what?”

“You know, experimenting. Everyone does. Or everyone should, anyway, just to be sure.”

Dominick’s still for a moment. “Seriously?”

"Well sure. In college, how cliché, but yes, I did."

Another second of silence.

"And?" Dominick asks. The chief shrugs. 

"And nothing. It was nice, but not something I found myself more inclined to."

"So...what? You're gay?"

"Despite my marriage falling apart, no, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. It wasn't that being with one gender more than the other felt ‘wrong’, I just wasn't as into it with men as I am with women. Maybe if I found the right guy- but that's just how I look at things. People can fall in love with anyone. It wasn't anything overwhelming. I never had the feeling of 'oh yes, this is what I've been missing out on'. But it was warm and spontaneous and it sure felt good. I don't know, all I'm saying is it's not impossible to imagine myself with another man, the way my son is with yours."

Will takes a sip of his beer, his fourth of the evening, then finds Dominick staring at him. "And you're uncomfortable now?"

"Well...yeah..."

"What? I'm not trying to seduce you here. Can't we have an adult conversation about the complexities of human sexuality without getting like this?”

"But...I dunno, I never thought it was that complicated."

"Because you've been taught to think that if you have feelings for women it's impossible to have feelings for men. And not only is it impossible, but it's somehow wrong or greedy if you do."

"But what if I just don't like men? Can't I just be straight?"

"Sure you can, there's nothing wrong with being straight. But the world would have a lot less violence if people weren't so hell bent on making sure that they're straight and everyone knows it. With men especially. Because men are the ones that do the dumb things when they think someone is calling them a woman."

"Not all men."

"No, not all, but enough. Enough to make it impossible to tell a secure, rational one from a man that's one misplaced insult away from a jail sentence."

That statement silences Dominick for a while, leaving the two men puffing on their cigars and sipping their drinks. Before William starts up again.

“That’s not to say that I think Mike and Sonny are ‘experimenting’. It might’ve started that way, I don’t really know how they started off, but they’re a real couple. They’re together and they deserve to be together. Which is a good thing, of course, because I was always on Mike to settle down, never knowing that he already had. I mean, how could I? I’d always been so hard to please, I get why he wouldn’t tell me. But he’s happy now. They’re happy now. They take care of each other. I’m not saying that I hear wedding bells already, but that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” 

“Oh. Yeah. Weddings. That’s something they can do now, huh?” 

Dodds chuckles. “Don’t sound so disappointed. He could have ended up with someone way worse.” 

“I know it’s just…you know, he always liked girls.” 

“He can’t like both?” 

Dominick rolls his eyes. “I just…y’know, he liked baseball. I made sure to spend time with him and show him what it meant to be a man. I thought I made sure he was alright.” 

“And what does any of that have to do with the two of them being together?” William asks, his back stiffening. Dominick sighs. 

“I just never thought I would have to deal with something like this.” 

“With all due respect, it’s not something you have to deal with. They have to deal with it. Every day. The have to live with it and we have to be there to support them. Because, even though they’ve grown up and flown the coop, which means we did a good job, we’re still the parents. Which means we need to be there to support them.” 

“Yeah, but…this?” Dominick senior asks. Will sips his beer and shrugs. 

“Maybe I just gained some life altering perspective when my son almost died. You know, like yours almost did.” 

He puts out the last bit of cigar and leaves the other father to think on that, heading inside. In the kitchen he finds Sonny and Gina doing dishes. Will tosses the empty bottle into the recycling can.

“Well isn’t this nice of you two, helping your mother so she doesn’t have to deal with this mess.”

“She’s not so much help.” Sonny elbows his sister, and she rolls her eyes. The Chief laughs. “Actually Matt was helping me out before, but he’s already helped more than a guest should so I sent him to sit in the living room.”

“Good to hear. What about Mike?”

“Oh, he fell asleep. And he needs it, so I’m not about to wake him up.”

Will nods, then heads into the living room, leaving the siblings be once again.

“He seems interesting.” Gina comments once he’s gone.

“The Chief’s a good guy. Kinda pushes Mike a little too much, but he’s been weirdly good about accepting Mike. Not once has he done the stupid hyper masculine thing and said ‘oh this is just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.’”

“Not like dad.”

“Is that what dad thinks?”

“Probably.”

“Well he hasn’t said it to me. Then again, he hasn’t said much of anything to me. I know he’s probably too busy demonizing Mike to think of anything to tell me.”

“What’s to demonize Mike about?”

“I’m sure he could find something. Couple times tonight I saw him thinking things about Mike, the way he would act or say things. It’s whatever though.”

“What does that mean, the way he would say things?”

“You know, just…I can tell when someone’s being sexualized, and the way dad kept looking at Mike…but I can’t say anything about it, or else he’d lose his shit, and I don’t want to point it out to Mike if he didn’t notice it already. Or even when he was holding my hand, dad had the face on. Pissed me off. But like I said, whatever.”  

“What, you’re trying to protect him from dad’s judgement?”

“Hell, I wanna protect him from everything.”

“Well…” She sighs. “Whatever dad thinks, it’s obvious you guys love each other.”

“How could you not? There’s big things and little things and they’re all worth loving about him.”

“Big things? Like what, those arms?”

He rolls his eyes. “That’s not cute. I meant things like…friggin’, I dunno, his capacity for love or his patience, y’know?”

“And little things? Like what?”

He wipes his hands on a dishrag while he thinks, before slinging it over his shoulder. “Little details here and there. Like, he’s covered in freckles, all over his arms and down his chest. Like someone took a paintbrush” he mimes holding a brush, dabbing it into the air. “And put the most precious little dots on his skin…I love his freckles…and his nose…and his eyes.” Sonny’s hands come up to cover his mouth, while his eyes look towards the ceiling. He blinks a few times before letting his hands rest so he’s hugging himself. “God. I love him. So much.” 

“Aw, Sonny…” 

“Yeah…and I keep almost losing him…god, sometimes I swear I wish I could just put him in a protective bubble, y’know? Or just wrap him up in kevlar. Something. Anything. Anything to protect him.”                 

Sonny’s ears prick at the sound of sharpened breathing coming from the living room. HIs sister is in the midst of a sentence when he cuts away, walking quickly towards the sound. Mike’s breath is hard, his face quivering as he tries to sit up on the sofa. 

“Mike, Mike sweetie.” Sonny crosses the room to bend over his boyfriend, looking him in the eye. Mike’s gaze is teary and red, and his arms lock around Sonny’s shoulders with a crushing force. Sonny hugs back, lowering himself onto the sofa. 

“Aw, shh, shh it’s okay baby. Nah, nah sweetheart, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’m okay…” Sonny croons in his lover’s ear, soothing him as he finds his breath. Everyone else in the room leaves, giving them the privacy they clearly deserve.

It only takes a few minutes before Mike can pull away and see clearly that Sonny is okay.

“Better?” Sonny asks gently.

“Better.” Mike nods, forehead resting against Sonny’s.

“I think we should head home soon. Hell, it’s past ten, no wonder you fell asleep.”

“Are you sure? We don’t have to. I know you like being with your family.”

“They’re not goin’ anywhere. Besides, you gotta work day after tomorrow.”

Mike yawns before he can protest. “Okay. Sounds good.”

“A’right. Good. And hey-“ Sonny looks him in the eye and smiles. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” Mike smiles, and leans in to kiss his boyfriend, further soothing his nerves. Sonny wonders, in the back of his mind, how hard his teenaged self would scoff if he saw his grown self kissing another man in his parents’ living room, without fear of being seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I think it's official, Saturday is posting day. Ugh, it's so sad that I've had to cut down on my writing time so much since the summer ended, but at least I'm having a good time at school. 
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying this story! I enjoyed how this chapter came out, especially since I've been working on it for weeks now (in bits and pieces.) 
> 
> Hope you guys have a good week! Hopefully next week will mean a new chapter of Search, we'll see.


	8. January through May, 2018

There’s a distinct scratching of something against the front door. Mike’s body freezes. Sonny gets straight up and turns the light up to only its lowest setting, before reaching into his nightstand and picking up his gun. He cocks it, and takes hold of it like he’s walking into a dark situation. 

Mike sees it all. He sees the hard look on Sonny’s face, the last before he disappeared into the one entrance of the building, his eyes holding the same attempt at reassurance. Mike’s hands shake as his boyfriend’s footsteps disappear into the carpet. 

The scratching of keys stops. 

The apartment, the inside of it at least, is silent. 

“Looks like a drunk just- hey, babe, what’s wrong?” Sonny’s voice softens with pained panic, and he closes the space between them after putting the safety back on his gun. 

Mike’s mouth falls open. He searches for words. His arms and shoulders tremble, and Sonny’s fingertips brush against his cheek. 

“Baby, come back to me. Come back. Do you need a hug? Do you need a shower? What?” 

“I…I…” Mike tries, but it’s no use. Once he’s started, he can’t stop.

********

“So this is your first time coming to therapy.” Dr. Lindstrom takes a seat across from Mike. Mike expects him to pull out a piece of paper, a notebook…something. “What’s brought you here?”

“Uh…don’t you usually dig around first? Ask me some questions to get things started.”

“I believe I did just ask you a question.” The doctor smiles slightly, and Mike nods.

“Right…right…” He sighs and crosses his legs. “Well…I’ve had some trouble coping with an incident that occurred back in September. Sonny, my partner…he got shot. Right in front of me. Because of me.”

“Did you shoot him?”

Mike chuckles but shakes his head. “No. No, we were working a case together, and we walked into a dangerous situation…I didn’t see the gun pointed at my head. But he did. He yelled out at me, and they shot him instead.”

“And this has caused you anxiety.”

“A little. But what really set me off was something that happened the other night.”

“What happened?”

Mike folds his hands, feeling the metal of Sonny’s ring touching the skin on his opposite hand. “We woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone trying to open our door. Sonny got his gun, got up to check it, and I froze. I watched him leave our room. The sound stopped, he came back, and I realized how close I came to not seeing him again. All of a sudden I was right back in that situation, watching him walk into that abandoned building, not knowing if he would come back out.”

“Sounds like a flashback to me. Have you had any more of those?”

“Uh…no. Not like that. Not that completely. I’ve had moments here and there, but nothing that visceral.”

“And you figured you’d come here before it got any worse.”

“Actually Sonny figured that. He told me he was worried about me and that I should get ahead of this before something happened. Sonny’s also called Carisi, by the way. If you’re trying to place him.”

“Ah,” Dr. Lindstrom nods and thinks a moment. “Well, does Sonny have reason to be worried?”

Mike thinks a moment while he turns his lover’s ring over on his finger. “He does. It would make sense. He loves me, and I keep getting stuck in dangerous situations. It’s part of the job, but still. He doesn’t want me to start drinking or something like that.”

“Are you worried you might start drinking?”

"No, I'm not super worried. I don't have a family history of alcoholism, I don't think, but it's something I want to keep an eye on. I had a little bit of a close call between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"A close call?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I wasn't driving or anything. I just had a few too many..." he sighs. "I hadn't had a great day at work, and Sonny didn't either. There was most of a twelve pack in the fridge when we came home, but by the end of the night we had finished it. And we were messing around in bed but he fought me, saying we should wait, that he didn't want to sleep with me while I was in such a state, that we'd still want to later. I whined and complained but he said if we couldn't drive we shouldn't be having sex. He blew a .1 and I blew, I think, a .12."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Things worked out though, we were fine, we waited until we'd sobered up. But...what if I was with someone who wasn't so aware? Someone who would've just slept with me without a second thought about my being drunk? It would've been so easy. I was ready and willing and…” Mike sighs. “You get the idea.”

“Sounds like you have someone that loves you.”

Mike nods, and rubs his thumb over the smooth surface of the red gem on his hand. “He does. He loves me a lot. He just wants what’s best for me. And he knows I’m about to get a lot more stressed.”

“Because?”

“I’m taking the Lieutenant’s exam next month.”

“Ah, yes, the Lieutenant’s exam. Sounds like a big change.”

“Yeah…maybe.”

“Maybe? Do you think you won’t pass?”

Mike pushes a hand through his hair. “No, I know I’ll pass. I’ve been reading my review book an hour a day for the past three years. Probably re-read it twice. I know I can pass, I just don’t know what happens when I do pass.”

“You’re saying you don’t want to be a Lieutenant.”

“I’m saying…I’m saying I’ve been told I want to be a Lieutenant, but I never really stopped to think about it.”

“But you’ve thought about it now.”

Mike nods.

“So? What do you think?”

****

 _So what do you think?_  The words echo in Mike’s brain as he walks home. Because he thinks a lot of things. All of the things he told Dr. Lindstrom, he thinks.

_I always have to be in control._

_I’m always forced to be in charge._

_I almost never do anything without a plan._  

He passes by a building only to stop short when something catches his eye. In a window, clusters of drawings line the perimeter of the windows, showing off a multitude of designs great and small. It’s a small one that catches his eye.

_Almost never._

****

“Hey, it’s you,” Sonny greets Mike when he comes through the door. Mike slips off his coat and comes right over to the couch, giving him a kiss that pulls Sonny’s face up into a smile when they separate. “Wow. You have a good first appointment or something?”

“Well, that too.” Mike nods. “But I got something I wanna show you.”

“You got something? What’d you get?” Sonny turns his body to look at Mike fully, wondering what he’s carrying and where he’s hiding it. He gets even more confused when Mike unbuttons his shirt (pulling attention to his tie being gone) and then slides it off. Sonny blinks, before catching sight of the cling wrap just peeking out from his undershirt sleeve.

“I think you’ll like this.” Mike rolls up the white half-sleeve and carefully unwraps the plastic. The first thing Sonny notices is his incredibly red, highly irritated skin. The second thing he notices is the reason why it’s red. A rather simple sun, with just a hint of a tribal feel to it, is tattooed onto the side of Mike’s arm. It’s a quarter the size of the military tattoo on his other arm, and far less intrusive.

“You…wow, you did that.” Sonny tries to clear his throat.

“Yeah. I did. For once in my life I did something spontaneously.”

“Oh, you mean besides me?” Sonny asks, and smiles to try and distract from the way his eyes glisten.

“Yeah. Besides you.” Mike agrees, and pulls Sonny in for a hug. Sonny hugs back tight, careful to wrap his arms around under instead of over Mike’s arms, and nuzzles into the bare skin of his neck.

_God, whatever else you do, please let Mike stay here with me. I know you might be short on angels, and I know this is selfish, but please don’t take mine. I need him here. Amen._

****

Mike dabs ointment onto the mostly healed embellishment after getting out of the shower, and makes sure to use his other hand to rub his tired eye. He yawns, and his jaw cracks, making him yank it closed.

Sonny wanders in, wearing only his pajama pants, and yawns too. For a few minutes, the running faucet and the quietly whirring fan are the only things they listen to. Mike’s eye keeps going back to the two scarred bits of skin on Sonny’s shoulder. He feels the repeated pangs in his chest, urging him to hug Sonny. But he doesn’t. He lets him wander out of the room and put his clothes on.

Mike takes the time alone to survey his own scars in the mirror. The one on his abdomen he only sees half of, but the one on his shoulder is completely healed. It’s mostly a discolored patch in his skin now, an oddly textured space that’s small enough to gloss over. Not the same pink color that Sonny’s remains.

 _Two years. That’s how long it took to get to this?_ He pulls the skin taut, looking at how the irregularity almost (kinda) disappears. Two years. That’s how long his Sonny will have such intense scars. Maybe a little less, since Sonny’s better about remembering to apply scar cream to his wounds.

Sonny returns, and goes about pulling himself together. And Mike can’t help looking between himself and his boyfriend in their reflection, his heart urging him to hug Sonny. He does it enough that he gets caught.

“Are you checking out me or yourself?”

Mike smiles a bit at his mirrored boyfriend.

“Bit of both.”

“Good. I’d hate to think you’re a total narcissist.” Sonny’s hip bumps against Mike’s out of the mirror’s view. Mike elbows his boyfriend back, just enough to make Sonny laugh, before leaving to get himself dressed. He dips back into the bathroom to check himself, making sure he looks alright.

“You aright?” Sonny asks when he’s got the last bit of his routine, dabbing cologne onto his wrists, out of the way.

“Yeah…just thinking.”

“Oh now that’s no good.” Sonny slides over and wraps his arms around his lover’s waist. “Tell me? Y’know, so you’re sure you don’t sound crazy.”

“That’s a stretch.” Mike rests his arms over Sonny’s, and looks at his lover and himself in the mostly-clear glass. “Do you…do you think I look like a Lieutenant?”

Sonny rests his chin on Mike’s shoulder, surveying them both. “Hmm…I think you look like Mike.”

“Wow. Original.”

“I pride myself on it.” Sonny flashes another quick smile before his face evens out. “But I think you look like you. And I think you look like a lotta things, depending on how you dress.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning right now you look like a Lieutenant. But if I popped one of those flannel shirts on you you’d look like a horse farmer. And if you go back to wearing that towel, well, you just look like the best lover I’ve had.”

“Oh? I only _look_ like him?”

Sonny rolls his eyes and kisses up the back of Mike’s neck and over the shell of his ear, making the older man giggle. He hums at the sound.

“I love that. I love when you sound all happy.”

“You make me happy.” Mike murmurs, and slides his hands over Sonny’s, sliding his thumb over the bones in Sonny’s hands. “Hey, speaking of you, your birthday is coming up soon.”

“Yeah. Couple weeks.” Sonny agrees, and presses his face cheek to cheek with Mike’s.

“What’d you wanna do this year?”

“Nothing too fancy. Somethin’ easy. A movie, then Five Guys afterwards.”

“That’s it?”

“What, like you’re gonna outdo last year?”

“Last year was-“

“Yeah, I know.” Sonny’s bare skin is soft and warm against Mike’s. “That was for us, not just for me. But I don’t wanna do anything huge. Plus it’s, like, the Wednesday after your exam, I’m sure you’re still gonna be decompressing. Just something easy.”

“Whatever you want. I’ll let you off easy this year. And next.”

“What’s after- aw hell, really? You’re already thinking about my 40th?”

Mike laughs. “Why shouldn’t I be?”

“Because yours is the year before, that’s why.”

“Is this going to be a competition?”

“You wanna make it one?”

“Not before my morning coffee I don’t.” Still Mike turns around and pulls Sonny into a full, proper hug, soothing something in his chest he didn’t notice was clenched until then.

****

“You’re nervous.”

It’s not a question. It’s not an accusation. It’s just a statement. Mike looks up from where he’s finished buttoning up his green shirt and nods.

“I’m nervous.”

Sonny crosses the room to his boyfriend, slinging his arms around Mike’s neck. “This doesn’t have to change your life.”

Mike gives him his ‘really?’ look, and Sonny cups his face. “I mean it. You don’t have to take this promotion if you don’t want to.”

“Well what am I supposed to do?”

“You could retire early. Nobody would blame you.”

“Why?”

“Seriously?” Sonny drops his head to the side. “You’ve been shot three times. You must qualify for three-quarters.”

Mike sighs and rests his head on Sonny’s shoulder, breathing in his natural scent. “And then what? What would I do with myself?”

“We’d figure it out.” Sonny’s hand slides up and down Mike’s back. “I’m sure there’s a few places you’ve got your eye on that we could go.”

Mike stalls a moment before picking up his head to look at Sonny.

“What’re you talking about?”

“The farm. You know. We could find a small place. I know most of the places you look at are pretty small anyway.”

“You…you’d actually do that for me?”

“Well yeah. Why else would I encourage you whenever you talk about it? That’s kinda our end game, isn’t it?”

Mike stares, a lump coming up in his throat.

“I didn’t think it was a joke. I mean, you read books and you look at listings. I just always figured…you know…the farm, that’s where we’ll end up.”

Mike leans up and kisses his boyfriend, long and slow, his tongue licking into Sonny’s mouth.

“Wow” Sonny breathes when they pull apart. “Does that mean you’re not nervous anymore?”

Mike smiles, just a little. “No. No, I guess not.”

It’s mostly true. Mike’s not nervous, not like he had been in the days leading up, pouring over his review book until he could recite it back to Sonny concept for concept.

Mike’s still thinks as he walks to his test. He thinks about everything that’s driven him to this point. His Chief father. Greg Yates. Lisa and Gary Munson. Sixteen year old Muhamad al-Sanaa. Twenty nine year old Hafez Farhitian.

And Sonny. He thinks of Sonny the most. In the moments before his test begins, his mind too fixed on imagining him and Sonny on a little farm somewhere upstate, far away from terrorism and SVU and the everyday path of bullets, to try remembering everything he’d studied.

****

-On my way home.- Mike sends just before putting on his coat. A minute later his phone buzzes.

-Okay. Rollins is around right now for a drink. Love you, see you soon.-

His chest clenches at the thought of someone seeing their home.  –Tell Rollins hi in case I miss her. Love you too.-

Another message buzzes back, but he doesn’t check them until he’s in the building.

-She says hi back FYI.-

When he enters the apartment, the two of them are sat in the living room, both with beers in their hands.

“Hey you.” Sonny’s face hints at a smile when he sees Mike. Mike forces himself to be normal and give Sonny his usual peck on the lips.

“Hi. Hi Rollins.”

“Sup Serge,” She nods to him, then tips back her head to take a swig.

“Rough day?”

“Yup.” Sonny says, and takes Mike’s hand where it rests on his shoulder.

“So today didn’t get any better after lunch?”

“Did you think it would?”

“I had some hope.”

“I didn’t,” Rollins answers, and takes another pull from her drink.

“You know how it goes.” Sonny sighs. “It sucks when cases fall apart on technicalities.”

“I’m sorry they pulled that crap on you.” Mike squeezes his boyfriend’s hand. “Well, I’ll leave you two to commiserate.”

“What? No, siddown, talk with us.” Sonny insists.

“No, it’s okay.”

“C’mon Dodds, sit with us. Misery loves company.” Amanda insists. The look she gives him, underneath her miserable demeanor, holds no hostility for him.

“Alright. Don’t know how much misery I’ll be, but I’ll give it a shot.”

****

A dinner party seems like a bad idea to Mike, until Sonny says it would just be for their siblings. Just a night of the kids sitting around, talking, getting to know each other a little better.

Turns out, Sonny’s sisters really want to know Mike. And Mike, maybe even more surprisingly, wants them to know about him. He talks about things when asked, like his four day a week workout routine.  

“Friday and Saturday are usually my longest workouts, so Sunday I sleep in. Sonny comes back from church around noon and shakes me awake, forcing me to join the land of the living.”

He talks about how he listens to rap music while he works out, but usually doesn’t hear the words until Sonny points them out to him.

“And then it’s like ‘well, I guess I can’t listen to that song anymore.’”

He even shows his shoulder wound when Gina asks ‘how bad it is’ and Sonny shows off his too, like they’re badges of honor, something to be proud of. And showing off that much skin leads Bella to ask, unceremoniously “How do you work out that leaves you lookin’ like that?”

That takes them into boxing, and brings them back to Mike’s high school years where he hung out with lots of girls but never slept with any of them.

“My dad gave me ‘the talk’ so many times, never knowing he didn’t have to worry about that with me.”

“Wait…you weren’t with any of them?” Matt, after so much time listening to his brother talk, finally asks.

“Nope. Not a one.”

“But what about Carissa? She was always around.”

Mike smiles and shrugs. “She was just a good friend.”

“And her friend Debra?”

Mike chuckles and shakes his head. “Ok. Yeah. She had a huge crush on me, but I never did anything about it.”

“Huh.” Matt thinks on that, while the conversation marches on over plates of food and more drinks. Mike notices his brother being his usual degree of quiet, and tries during a lull in the conversation to pull him in, telling the story of when Matt lost his car and Mike had to come in from the city to help him find it.

“Oh honey, don’t worry,” Gina reaches over and squeezes his shoulder “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve misplace things cars too. I misplace everything.”

“Oh no no no, you do more than just misplacing shit, Gina. You forget shit. Like, important shit.” Sonny jumps in.

“Oh yeah? Name me one time when I forgot something really important.”

“One word Gina: Rob.”

“Oh fuck you! That doesn’t count.”

“Rob…was that someone you dated?” Mike asks.

“Not me.” Sonny looks at Teresa, who sighs and pulls her legs up to sit Indian style.

“Rob was short for Roberta. This girl I was dating like five years back. Anyway, we were talking about _something_ at family dinner one night, and someone said somethin’ and Gina says ‘oh yea, I bet Rob would love that, huh?’ And for a few seconds we just stared at her like ‘WHAT THE FUCK, GINA?’ Like holy mother, really? Thank god her nickname sounds like a man’s name or I would’ve been fucked.”

“Yeah, no joke.” Sonny agrees. “In my head I was already rehearsing my speech getting ready for the fireworks from mom and dad.”

“Speech?” Mike asks.

“Oh, yeah, we made a pact when we were teenagers. If one of us came out and thigs with mom and dad things started getting bad, then the other one would out themselves too.”

“Mom and dad might get mad enough to disown one of their kids, but they won’t disown half their kids.” Teresa answers, and holds out her pinky. Sonny wraps his own around it and squeezes tight. “I had the same feeling last Thanksgiving. Thankfully Gina skillfully diverted their attention.”

“Well I didn’t want a Thanksgiving meltdown. But getting back to Rob, that was just a slip of the tongue. I didn’t actually forget.”

“Save it, Gee.” Sonny says. “You almost really fucked us over there. Good thing you didn’t though, since they ended up breaking up that same year.”

“Uh, excuse me? We broke up the beginning of the following year.” Teresa pulls her hand away from her brothers.

“Six of one.”

“Can I ask why you broke up?” Matt’s the one to ask after a few seconds of silence.

“Ugh, she just…changed.” Teresa tries.

“In other words,” Sonny picks up “she quit her job as a stockbroker to become an artist, thus losing that six figure salary she was making.”

“Shut up! That’s so not true. She _changed,_ Sonny.”

“Yeah! She got less miserable! And you couldn’t handle that cuz you wanted someone who was only made happy by you.”

“You’re a fucking jerk, you know that?”

“No, you know what? I hope she found someone less miserable than you. She deserved better than someone who can’t stand happiness coming from something besides money and you.”

“Yeah well…fuck off.” She picks up a rubber coaster and chucks it at him, but it ends up hitting the bare wall behind him instead.

“Don’t get mad at me for telling the truth. You bawled your eyes out when you broke up with her. You made yourself miserable by choosing money over love, Teresa. You can’t blame anyone else for that.”

“Can we change the subject? Please?” Teresa asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Aright aright,” Sonny waves it off and starts another conversation, and in the process wraps an arm around his saddened sister. She rests her head on his shoulder, and when there’s another lull they apologize to each other. No theatrics, just a few ‘I’m sorry’s and Sonny offers to get her another glass of wine.

“You stay,” Mike insists and picks up the empty wine bottles on the coffee table. Matt picks up empty beer bottles, and follows his brother into the kitchen to dispose of them.

“Seems like they like you,” Matt offers while his brother opens a new bottle of wine.

“Thankfully. And they like you too. It’s nice that we can all get along.”

“Yeah. It is,” Matt agrees lamely, and crosses his arms as Mike pours a few glasses of water.

“Want one?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Hey… you know the car story wasn’t supposed to be mean, right?”

“Yeah, I know Mike.”

He sets down the beverages he’s holding and looks straight at his brother, who looks so much like his mother that it makes him want to call her. “I mean it. It was just a funny story, I wasn’t trying to make fun of you or anything.”

“No, I know. It was a funny story.”

“But…if it hurt you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not that, Mike.”

“Well what is it then?” He crosses his arms and leans back against the counter. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no it’s nothing like that. I just…I dunno, I wish we had a better story to tell. One that doesn’t involve me being a fuck up.”

“You’re not-“

“I am, Mike. And I know it too, you don’t have to lie. I just…the four of them, they tell stories about each other and whatever. I wish we had things like that. I wish we knew each other better.”

Mike hesitates. “Yeah. Me too.”

“I mean, you’re my big brother. You’re always taking care of me, and you’ve always got my back, I just wish I knew you.”

“Hey, I’m not dead yet, you can still get to know me.”

Matt chews his lip. He remembers his father’s frantic texts, asking him to come see Mike, saying how badly he’d been hurt. Even so, the lip between his teeth starts to quiver. And then a pair of strong, sure arms wrap around him, and Matt rests his head against his brother’s neck, even though he can hear his father calling him ‘soft’ and ‘weak’ for crying at nothing but a joke.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…I know better. Sonny hates when I say things like that, too.”

“They’re not funny, Mike.” Matt tries to strengthen his voice, put some weight behind it, but it just cracks.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, Matty.”

The childhood nickname soothes him some, making it bearable when his brother’s warm grasp leaves him. Mike offers him a slight smile and wipes the few stray tears from his cheek.

“I mean it though. You’re around now, we can get to know each other better. Okay?”

Matt nods, not trusting his voice.

“Alright. Okay, come on, let’s go back to the party.”

Like always, Matt follows Mike’s lead.

****

“I’m home!” Sonny yells out when he walks in the door and doesn’t see Mike sat in the living room. He heads into the kitchen and puts down everything on the counter, then starts picking through things. By the time Mike comes out of the bathroom, the entire counter is commandeered with groceries and dry cleaning.

“Jesus, what happened here?” He asks before kissing Sonny’s cheek.

“I came home, what’s it look like?”

“Looks like the fridge and the closet threw up in here.”

“Oh stop.” Sonny pokes Mike’s arm, then presses a kiss to his lips. “Help me out, put the groceries away while I make dinner.”

And he does, because why shouldn’t he be? He puts away most everything, leaving behind just Sonny’s laptop bag when their food is cooked. It’s nice, easy, the way they sit across from each other at the kitchen table and let their feet bump together, with only little bits of conversation here and there.

“Oh, by the way, your mom e-mailed me today.” Sonny says as they clean up their dishes. “She said it was so nice getting to talk to us on Mother’s Day, and how she can tell you’re really happy.”

“Aw, how sweet of her.” Mike says, and closes up the dishwasher.

“Yeah, really. It was so nice getting to talk to her.” Sonny picks up his laptop bag and pulls out a wad of mail to flick through. Mike picks it up, but his hands stop at the second envelope.

“What is it?” Sonny asks when he comes back, seeing his frozen boyfriend.

“It’s…it’s my results.”

“Oh…oh wow…” Sonny crosses the room to him and confirms the return address on the envelope. “Oh damn. Do you want me to give you some space?”

“No…no stay.” Mike insists before tearing open the envelope. He passes his eyes over the paper before actually reading the words that tell him he came in ninth overall for the Lieutenant’s exam.

“I came in ninth.” Mike says, even though Sonny can see the words for himself.

“Oh my god, babe that’s great. Congratulations.” Sonny’s arms wrap around his torso and a few kisses get scattered over his cheek.

“Yeah…yeah that’s…” he tries, but the words get stuck in his throat. All he can think about is the worst of what he’s seen on the job. Every dead man, woman or child. Every abused victim. Every scream, every cry. Every shooter that ever sent a bullet his way. And every single one that successfully hit him.

He breaks down on the kitchen floor, sobbing while he tries to explain what’s wrong. Every attempt is futile, since he dissolves back into tears once again. When his tears have dried, his throat is sore and his head is killing him. He sits in Sonny’s grasp, only pulling away when he realizes how uncomfortable he is being bent into his form. He pulls away and sits back against the cabinets, letting his eyes close.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay baby.” Sonny murmurs, resting a hand on Mike’s thigh.

“Is it? Really? Because last I checked grown men shouldn’t be freaking out over a promotion.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Really. You know your feelings are valid.”

Mike sighs and flops over to lay on the kitchen floor. “I’m a goddamn mess, aren’t I?”

“No you’re not.” Sonny says, and maneuvers so he’s lying beside Mike, taking his hand. They talk, in low voices trying to sort through it all while they stare at the ceiling above them. Mike staves off new waves of tears a few times, knowing he can’t do that to himself twice in one night. Silences stretch long, punctuated by a few words before turning into new silences. They cuddle closer, going from just hand holding to snuggling on the floor, Sonny half on top of him.

"I just can't take all this pressure." Mike says after another long silence.

"Who's pressure?" Sonny lifts his head. "From your dad? From the job?”

Mike doesn’t respond, focusing on the cold floor against the back of his head.

“From me?"

"Please, from you,” Mike scoffs “the most stressful thing you ask me to do is pick up groceries, and half the time you end up doing it yourself."

"Am I physically putting too much pressure on you?"

"No, no stay. It's good. Here." Mike tugs his boyfriend's half-buttoned shirt, pulling him completely on top of himself. Sonny rests a hand on his cheek, and gazes into his pink-rimmed eyes.

“So pressure from the job?”

Mike sighs, his ribs folding under Sonny’s weight. “Yes. The job. I can’t…I don’t know that I can do it anymore.”

“You don’t need to.” Sonny echoes his sentiment from the morning of the test. “You don’t need to be a Lieutenant. You don’t need to put yourself in danger like that anymore. We can move on from all this.”

Mike gazes back at Sonny, looking into those bright blue eyes that hold nothing but promise.

“You mean that.”

“Of course.” Sonny’s hand moves to push through Mike’s hair. “We’re not tied to this life here. We can buy one of those places you’re always looking at, settle down far away from the city. Or we can figure something else out. I’ve got my law license, and everywhere needs lawyers, I could get a job and you can chill out and be retired. Whatever’s best. Whatever keeps this from happening again.”

Mike sighs and lets his head rest back against the floor, holding onto him tighter.

“We don’t have to decide now. Ceremony’s not until July, right? Or August? You’ve got some time before you need to decide. Let’s…let’s just sleep on this. Go to bed.”

“Bed sounds good.” Mike agrees. “What time is it?”

“Uh.” Sonny cranes his neck to look at the stove clock. “Oh shit. It’s almost one.”

“In the morning?”

“Yeah.” Sonny yawns his answer. “Alright, we need to get some sleep.”

Mike follows his love to their bed, keeping their bodies close as they walk. They both strip out of their clothes, leaving them on the floor for the night so they can sleep skin to skin, nothing in between to keep them from feeling each other. The heat of that strong, sure, slightly scarred form of his Sonny lets Mike fall into a much needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look at me! I managed to update today!
> 
> Sorry my updates for my other story Search are taking so long, I feel like I need to put so much more work into them just because of the structure. I have a break coming up in a few weeks, hopefully I'll be able to finish that story out. 
> 
> Anyway, here's a new update. I have a feeling the end isn't more than five chapters away. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!


	9. June 2018

“How’re you feeling?”

It’s the new standard question, after a cup of coffee, in the middle of their morning routine. Mike looks up at his boyfriend while his toothbrush hangs out of his mouth. He spits a foamy glob into the sink and shrugs.

“I don’t know.”

A hand reaches over and rests on Mike’s exposed back, above his towel. “Did you wanna try making lists again? Pros and cons?”

“No. Thanks though.”

Sonny sighs and turns to look at him directly. “You keep turning down ideas.”

“Because I tried them already, remember?”

“Well there’s gotta be a way for you to figure this out.” Sonny turns back to the mirror to attend to his hair. The sound of an aerosol can replaces their talking for a few minutes. “Maybe you should talk to someone about it.”

“I already told Dr. Lindstrom about it.”

“No, no I mean someone else. Why not talk to your dad?”

Mike’s hands still where they’re holding a razor to his face. He turns to look at Sonny, who meets his gaze a moment later. “What?” Sonny asks.

“My dad?”

“Well not my dad, that’s for sure.”

Mike laughs humorlessly before going back to shaving. “My dad? You think I should ask _my_ dad, Chief William Dodds, Mr. Five-Year-Plan, about if I should take the lieutenant’s position?”

“I bet he’d be willing to hear you out. Y’know he’s really been trying to do the right thing.”

“Yeah, since Christmas.”

“So?”

“So, he’s just trying to be the better dad.” He opens the sink drain, and rinses out his razor

“I don’t know about that, Mike. I mean, c’mon, Christmas pretty much showed him he doesn’t have any competition.”

“All I’m saying Is don’t get your hopes about him changing. And don’t expect my dad to actually read those books about feminism you loaned him.” Mike pats his face dry with a towel while Sonny continues on.

“That’s just it though, he’s been readin’ em. The other day he called me up and we talked for, like, a half hour about one of those ones I loaned him.”

“You’re kidding me. My father called you? When?”

“Uh….I dunno. I was making dinner. Six? Six thirty?  But we had a good talk.”

“Huh…seems like he’s really trying…”

“Yeah. Really. He is.”

Mike shakes his head. “Still, it doesn’t mean he’ll understand about this. I’m his golden boy, you know that.”

Sonny sighs and puts an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in for a kiss. “I do. Still, think about it,” he says before realizing the time and bolting out the door.

Mike’s left alone to think about his future, though not for long. There are people on the subway and in the office when he makes it there. Mike’s not physically alone after he leaves their apartment, but mentally he’s in his own world. What would he do with a Lieutenant’s job? Sure, he might get the chance to hang back a little more, but he’d still be in the thick of things. He’d still have to deal with the stress of everything he has now, plus more paperwork. Wherever he ends up, Mike knows It won’t get easier. He’s spent so much of his life fighting for other people, he wonders if it’s time for him to stop fighting.

Just because there are people doesn’t make them busy. Sure, Mike and Chan spend some time running around doing this or that, but it’s a normal day. It means that, by the time six rolls around, their Captain comes out and dismisses them.

“I think I’ll stay here,” Chan says once their boss is out of ear shot. Mike checks his phone for the first time in a few hours and sees a message from Sonny, backdated a half hour before, saying that he’s on his way home.

“You know what? I’m going to go.”

“If you are, can you go check on Helena?” Chan asks. Mike thinks, mapping out where Helena Greshner’s place is between his work and his home.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll call you, let you know what I find.” Mike agrees, and nods to the man at the desk across from his own before heading out. The summer is already hot, making Mike sweat through his shirt and his vest, which he hasn’t bothered to take off since their last trip out. About halfway home, Mike hops off the train and heads up to the surface, going back to the home he’d visited earlier that day. Helena, who was in the home of a man they’d come to talk to, who had been so antsy talking to Mike and Chan that Mike had actually given her one of Sonny’s cards. He texts Chan –just got to her place, will let you know how it goes- before heading up the walk.

He goes up to the small house and knocks, and there’s a solid minute before it opens. But it only opens enough for her to see him.

“It’s you.”

“Yes, it’s me Helena. I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay.”

Her lip quivers, and she shakes her head. “No, no, please go away. Please, I’m fine.”

“Is…is that a bruise on your neck?” He asks gently when her dark hair swings out of the way.

“No! No, please…”

“Helena, let me come in.”

“No…no…please no.”

“Helena, either let me come in or let me take you to the hospital. Those are our options. I’ll call someone you can talk-“

“No!” She cuts him off, and he raises an eyebrow at her. “No…please no…no, you can come in.”

Mike nods and gives her a slight smile. “Alright, good.”

She pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and starts gnawing on it, before opening the door enough to let him in. He has one foot in the door when something hard cracks across the back of his skull.

****

The pain. The splitting, aching pain. That’s the first thing Mike feels, before his eyes open, before he can comprehend anything else.

The second thing he notices is his hands, which feel heavy and stuck when he tries to pick them up so he can hold his head. The pain in his shoulder is aggravated. It’s then he realizes that his arms are tied behind his back. He squeezes his hands into fists, imprinting the designs on the sides of Sonny’s ring onto his flesh.

And last, he notices how much colder he is without his shirt, or his bulletproof vest on.

He groans before he can think to hold back the sound, and he feels a hard kick in his gut that makes him cry out. He forces his eyes open, but he finds his view hazy with tears. A moment later and the barrel of a gun is pressed to Mike’s forehead, the metal cold against his burning skin and keeping him from turning his head.

“Who sent you?”

“Nobody.” Mike’s voice cracks. His head gets slammed with the butt of the gun before his undershirt is yanked on, forcing him to sit up with his back to the wall. His head hits the wall, in the same spot that it was struck before. This time the gun appears under his chin, and he’s face to face with Ish Rahel, the man he’d originally come looking for.

“Don’t lie to me. Who do you work for?”

Mike sees only this man’s bloodshot eyes as the opening for a bullet presses under his jaw.

“I work for the police, but-“

The gun hits the side of his head once again, and he hears Helena scream.

“Shut up!” Another man screams, one that comes into Mike’s view when he opens his eyes again. One that’s holding an automatic weapon but, thankfully, doesn’t have the same look to his eye.

“So you’re a cop? But they didn’t send you here?” Ish’s hands shake as he points the gun at Mike. He sees now that his bulletproof is draped over the man’s chest, but not closed. It trembles the same way Ish does.

“No. I just came to check on Helena.”

“Helena?” He pivots and crosses the room to her. “Helena, you call him?”

“No, she didn’t call me, Ish.” Mike starts again. “She refused to talk about you.”

“Oh yeah?” He turns back to Mike. “She didn’t say anything about me? Then why did you come back, huh? Why you check on her?”

“I came back because I was worried, that’s all-“

“Worried? You worried? About that little bitch?” He points his gun at her without looking her way. She whimpers, her head bending down, but Mike only lets his gaze flick to her. “This little- whatever the fuck she told you, I” he thumps his chest “love her. I adore her. And she fucking sells me out? She sells me out?!”

“No Ish, she didn’t sell you out. She didn’t say anything about you. I only made inferences, she didn’t really tell me anything about you. In fact, she refused to say anything about you. She made us leave after just a few minutes.”

“I knew it! I fucking knew it!” He turns back to her. “You little bitch, you let police into _my_ house. My house! You ungrateful little- I should shoot you right now.”

He puts the gun to her head this time.

“Ish, are you crazy? You can’t kill her!” the other man says

“He’s not crazy.” Mike says. All other noise besides Helena’s whimpering stops. Ish turns yet again to look at Mike. Mike clenches his fist, using his ring as a centering object.  “You’re not crazy. You’re just upset. It happens.”

“Come on man, not like this-“

“Shut your mouth, Amal. Let the fucking man speak.” Ish doesn’t point the gun at this other man, this man that looks quite a bit like Ish, before turning to Mike. “You were saying?”

“Look, I understand where you’re coming from. Hey, I have a gun too. Sometimes when you’re talking and you’re trying to make a point, it’s a good idea. But you don’t really want to use it.”

“Oh I do” he lets out a manic laugh and looks back at the woman who’s whimpering and cowering. Her tears have fallen beneath her, forming dark brown spots on the beige carpet.

“No, Ish. You don’t want to kill her. You don’t want to kill anyone. You haven’t done anything yet, you-“

“What did you say?”

Mike’s breath hitches. “I said you haven’t done anything yet.”

“But I’m going to, right? I’m going to do something?”

“That’s not what I said, Ish.”

“Why were you here?” The man walks closer, once again his gun pointing shakily at Mike’s chest. Mike’s hand shakes as he holds onto Sonny’s ring. “Tell me, now, or you’re never going home again. Why were you here?”

“I just had some questions about you-“ the gun lands on his cheek, just as hard as it had his temple before. Mike has to take a few hard breaths to get through the pain.

“You need to stop lying to me. Right now. Otherwise, I’m going to put a bullet in your head. What do you know?”

Mike keeps his eye steady on the man, trying hard to hide the way his heart is pulsing in his ears. “I know that you’ve been talking to people in Afghanistan. That’s all.”

“You WHAT?! How did you know!? She told you, didn’t she?”

“No, no she-“

“Stop lying!” Ish grabs Mike by the hair and slams his head into the drywall, putting him out once again.

****

There’s crying when he comes to. Lot’s of crying. Far louder than before. He opens his eyes slowly, but his heart sinks at what he finds. Helena’s moved, from the floor like Mike to the couch. Her clothes are torn, and she’s half exposed. Her hands are tied like Mike’s, meaning she can’t cover herself. Her eyes slit open and she shakes her head.

“I-I’m so sorry.” She sobs, tears streaking down her blackening cheek. Mike’s cut off by the sound of the two men screaming in the next room.

“If he’s dead we’re screwed!”

“What do you care? We’re supposed to end it all anyway.”

“That was _your_ plan.”

“That was _the_ plan! Next Friday! Central Park! What, you think-“

“You’re insane! You’re high out of your mind. We can’t do this. If that cop is dead, we are completely fucked.”

“I know, I know” Ish’s voice calms, somehow. “Look, just let me think.”

Mike knows what snorting sounds like. That’s what he hears in the next room.

And then…a knock. A few hard knocks, and the house goes silent. Even Ish’s footsteps are silent as he crawls on the floor over to the door and noiselessly unlocks it. Another few knocks come.

 _Go away, go away, go away_ Mike chants, even as the door creaks open. His heart stops.

Chan steps through the door. He sees Mike for just a second, before Ish brings a crowbar down on the back of his head. Helena screams at the sound. Mike just flinches as Chan hits the ground. Ish stands there, panting for a few moments.

“Who is this?” he finally asks. “Who is this?!” He slams the crowbar into the ground and pulls the handgun out of his pocket, and points it at Helena. “is this another one of those men you whore yourself out to when I’m not around?”

“No.” Mike speaks up, and the gun gets dropped to his side. Mike can see white flecks still adorning his nostrils. “That’s my partner.”

“You called for backup?!”

“No, no I did not.” Mike keeps his voice even by rubbing his thumb over the smooth, red stone behind his back. “I told him before I came here that I was going to check on Helena, and said that I would call him when I found hour how she was. He must have gotten suspicious.”

“Ish, what the hell?!” Amal enter the room, his eyes wide. “What did you do?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t-“

“No, don’t worry about it! Get his vest and tie him up. And his gun too.”

Amal takes his time complying, pulling out rope from a drawer in a stunningly elaborate china cabinet, filled with at least thirty different dishes all of them brightly colored and patterned. He lets Ish rant a little more and slides on this vest before speaking. 

“Ish, this is so screwed up. We can’t do this.”

“You shut your mouth. I’m your older brother and you will do as I say!”

“Ish, listen to your brother.”

“Why should I?! He’s just as dumb and ungrateful as Helena! Why should I possibly listen to him?”

“Okay, then don’t listen to him, listen to me,” Mike tries to move, but his head throbs and he doesn’t trust himself to move more than a few centimeters. “Get out. Now.”

“Oh, so the guy who’s tied up is giving orders now?”

“It’s not an order, it’s a suggestion. And one you would be smart to take. I’ve been here before, I know what comes next. My partner, he probably put in for backup. And if he did, they’re going to be here any minute. You two need to get out of here, before they find you.”

“He’s right, Ish. We need to get out.”

“No. No, this is a trick.”

“I promise you, this isn’t a trick. Look, just let me and my partner go. Anybody who asks what happened to us, they’ll be told that we got jumped. That’s all they need to know.”

Ish stops, but a second later pushes out another ugly laugh

“No, no no, that’s not how you people work. This whole thing is a trap.”

“It’s not. I’m sure. Look out the window, there’s no perimeter, but if you stay-“

“Stop talking.”

Mike complies. He holds his breath as Ish and Amal disappear from sight, into the next room once again. He can see his and his partner’s guns, where it was left on a table on the other side of the room. He finds his feet unbound, but any attempt to move is thwarted by a deep pain in the back of his head. He can see the blood that’s dripped onto his shirt. He tries hard, but he gets nowhere.

He wills Chan to wake up. There’s no blood…he’s in one piece…

Helena stops crying, but a loud exclamation of “FUCK!” brings her back to the present, makes her flinch and begin to weep into the couch cushions.

Ish’s eyes are even redder when he returns, and this time his whole body seems to be vibrating. The gun he’s holding points right at Mike. “They’re here! You called them!”

“How the hell could he have called them? You took his phone, remember?” Amal follows Ish into the room.

“Amal, shut up.”

“No, I won’t-“

“I said shut up!” Ish stares his brother down, though they’re pretty much the same height and build. “Shut up!”

“No, you shut up! You fucked us over so bad, Ish.”

“Oh, really? I fucked us over?” Ish asks, poking himself in the chest with the gun.

“Yeah, you did.”

“No, Helena did-“

“Stop blaming Helena for your stupid decisions! You’re the one that got mixed up in the extremist shit! Not Helena!”

“How dare you? I thought you were part of the cause!”

“Where did you get that, Ish? When you were high out of your mind talking about suicide bombings and I was trying to talk you down? Is that where you got it from?

“You don’t talk to me like that.”

“I will! I will talk to you any way I want, you crazy fuck! You did this!”

“Shut up!”

“No, I won’t! This is all your fault! We have two dying cops and a raped woman and a house full of explosives and it is all your fault!”

“Shut up!”

“I won’t! This is all your fault, Ish! It’s-“

“Shut up!” Ish screams, and pushes his brother right back into the China cabinet, shattering the actual glass of the cabinet and several of the dishes. Helena screams at the sight of blood dripping out of Amal. Ish picks up one of the pieces that survived, a large dish probably big enough to cook a Thanksgiving turkey in, and throws it down over his brother’s face.

Amal screams, scrambling to try and move, shards protruding from his beaten face. Ish doesn’t stop. He pins his brother down and hits him over the head with the dish, over and over again, screaming for him to shut up until he’s silent and the dish is shattered into pieces.

Ish rises to his feet, blood spray covering his shirt and face. He’s still crying as he reaches for the handgun again. All of Mike’s words are dried up in the back of his throat, far away from use. His hands tremble behind his back as Ish points the weapon at him. The ring nearly brings Mike to tears in the second he realizes he might never see its owner again.

“Y-You…you did this…”

“No, I didn’t. It was the drugs, Ish. The drugs made you do it.”

He makes like he’s about to speak, but all that comes out are short, sobbing breaths as tears stream down his face. “You’re lying to a dead man. Don’t do that to me. Show me a little fucking respect why don’t you?”

“Ish, put the gun down. You’re shaking very hard, you need to sit down and take a breath.”

The man almost thinks, until the phone screams into the air, and Mike’s almost sure Ish pulled the trigger, except he didn’t.

“That’s the negotiators. If you don’t pick up, they’re going to come barging in here and they will kill you.”

“So?” The man sniffles, his knees near buckling. He comes over to Mike and leans down, this time putting the barrel to his heart.

“You don’t have to do this.” Mike stares up at the man, trying with all his might to convey this message.

“Don’t lie to me. They’re getting ready to take me out, aren’t they?” The man cackles, a manic sound, his gun wavering where it’s pressed over Mike’s heart

“Not if they see you with your gun on me.”

“Stop lying to me. You know what they’re going to do to me. They’re waiting for me to walk in front of a window.”

“Nobody can make this happen besides you.” Mike goes on. “Nobody wants to kill you. We want you alive.”

“You want to beat whatever truth you think I hold out of me.”

“Nobody will beat you. Nobody can make this go wrong. You let the rest of us go, this all ends now.”

He laughs, again. “Let you go? Why should I let you go? Why should I let any of us go? We all know, it’s over.”

Chan lunges from his place on the ground, his hands still tied behind his back. Ish’s gun discharges into Mike’s shoulder instead of his chest, but still he cries out and tips over at the pain. The adrenalin pulses through his trapped body, and the blood pours out of his shoulder. A moment later and the door comes down.

“Mike!” William’s voice is the first he hears, but Mike can’t see past the tears hazing his vision. His father hangs over him, and he feels a pressure on his new wound, almost on top of his first one. “It’s alright Mike, it’s alright- get medics in here! Now!”

“Dad” Mike croaks out, but the pain is closing in. He can feel it getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open.

“It’s alright Mike, I’m right here, don’t talk…you’re gonna be fine, son, I promise…” William keeps talking as he tries to keep his son awake.

“Sonny-“

“He’s on his way, he’s going to meet us there.”

Those words give Mike some comfort before he passes out.

****

Sonny comes running into the area to give blood to find William, his head in his free hand while the other lays upwards, exposing the needle to where it can find fresh blood. 

“What…what the…what the…?” Sonny pants as he tries to think of the words, his mind still racing with them.

 William gives him the look, shaking his head. “I know, I know.”

Sonny has to calm his breathing before he takes the seat next to Will and starts giving his blood, though his high pulse makes it easy to find a vein.

“How the-“

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. He apparently went to check on the woman they recovered from that house…she was beaten up pretty bad, too.”

“Mother of god.” Sonny pinches the bridge of his nose and rests his head back.

“I know son, I know.”

“You saw him?” Sonny asks, looking over at him. His eyes are pink from tears.

“Yeah. I saw him…god, his head was pretty banged up, his face was beat up, but-“

“And it was the shoulder he got shot in? The same shoulder?”

“Same shoulder.”

“God damn.”

They sit there in pained silence, which is filled by clicks, footsteps, and distant chatter. Sonny rubs his temple, wondering how the hell to handle all this and what to do next. His next choice comes when the needle is taken out of his arm and he’s given a refreshment. A bottle of water, a bag of pretzels, both of which he shoves down to get the stressed taste out of his mouth.

“You know, he went in there with his vest on.”

“Really?” Sonny asks, looking over at the older man who’s just staring into his own bag of snack food.

“Yes. But one of them took it off of him. I don’t know…I-I don’t know…” the man shuts his eyes tight and rubs them with his fists, then looks at Sonny. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Sonny sits up, turning to look more fully at him. William pushes his hands through his hair.

“This. This, with the shootings and the hospitals and the…everything…god, how many more times can we do this, huh?” William meets Sonny’s eye, and there’s absolutely no doubt that that ‘we’ is genuine. “How many more times can he do this? How many more times can sickos and creeps take shots at him before something permanent happens?”

The thought comes rushing back to Sonny, and he clears his throat. “I…I don’t know…”

“I dunno, I keep getting this feeling, maybe this should just be _it_ for him.”

“You mean-“

“He should be eligible for some kind of retirement by now. I could pull some strings. Just get him out of the line of fire. Let him live his life without worrying about running into a bullet every day.”

“You don’t think he should be a Lieutenant?”

Again, William runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I don’t know. I know, it’s his decision whatever way this goes, but I want to tell him that it’s time for him to hang it up. You know Mike, where is he with taking the lieutenant job?”

“Uh…” Sonny looks down at his hands.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me. I know, some things are…you just…you don’t have to tell me. Would he be mad if I said he should skip out on that job?”

“I…mad, I don’t think so.”

The chief sighs again and leans back in his chair. “That’s not so important right now though. No…no, I’ll tell him that later. Later. When he’s a little further from death.”

****

The eyes that meet Mike’s are bloodshot, drowning out their usual glowing blue. Mike reaches for his words, but comes up empty when his throat flexes painfully dry. A hand, the one not gripping one of his own, reaches up and touches the tender parts of Mike’s face. His eyes close again, his heart throbbing. He forces his eyes open a moment later, when the day comes rushing back. All too clearly, the feel of the gun against his chest and the screaming girl in the background.

“Here.” There’s a cold spot where Sonny’s hand once laid. Sonny places a straw to Mike’s lips, and he chugs harder than he intends to.

“Another close call, huh?” Sonny asks gently when a little more time passes, and the cup is emptied. Now his hand is resting in Mike’s hair.

“Yeah.” Mike croaks, his eyes closing for a second to view the scene once again. Helena, Chan…Amal. “Yeah. Close call.”

“Well…you bounced back from the last shoulder wound pretty good. This…this one shouldn’t be so bad.”

“Uh huh.”

“Still, I’ll take a few days. You shouldn’t be alone after things like this. Plus with the head stuff…y’know….”

“Uh huh.”

“Hey, babe, stay with me here, okay?” Sonny dips his head closer, meeting his eye. “I just don’t want you being alone. I…whatever you saw…just know you’re not alone.”

Mike takes an extra hard breath, one that sends a zing of pain through his shoulder and outlines the exact place where the gun’s muzzle had rested.

“Okay.” Mike pushes out, and squeezes Sonny’s hand, such as he can.

Sonny raises Mike’s hand to his lips, and he presses kisses all over the back of it, leaving behind a film of warmth.

“Hey…wait…” Mike’s brain catches up to reality. “Where’s my ring?”

Sonny quirks a smile. “You mean my ring?”

“Right…yeah…where is it?”

“Right here.” Sonny reaches over and picks up the item, holding it out for Mike to see. He nods slightly, taking it in, before letting out a yawn.

“Okay. Good.”

“You wear it all the time, huh?”

“Yeah.” Mike smiles gently.

“Even when you’re going into stuff like that.”

“Of course. That’s when I need it. It protects me.”

Sonny chuckles and sets it down. “It’s not a magic ring, babe.”

“No, I know. But it makes me feel protected.”

Those words stab Sonny, make him bleed at his own snideness. He offers another smile, and leans in to kiss his forehead.

“You’re protected, babe. I’m going to stay right here by your side and protect you, now that I’m here. Promise.”

Mike’s small smile is forced, but still he believes the promise made to him.

The Chief makes his usual fuss over Mike when he comes back with cups of coffee for himself and Sonny, though he keeps his hands to himself. The usual places he would give his son an affirming touch are either covered with stitches or bruising. He appreciates them being there. The two of them on either side of his bed, making him feel safe.

He starts to panic when the investigator shows up, signaling that they have to leave. “We’ll be just outside if you need anything,” Sonny tells him.

What he needs is to unsee this horrible day. He needs to unfeel the gun being pressed to him and unhear the sounds of a girl screaming for help, and a brother being beaten to death with a dish. That’s what he needs. What he doesn’t need is to spend a half hour reliving the incident, with details being pulled out of him at every step of the way. He wants it to be over because he wants his boyfriend and his father on either side of him again, two people he can trust to protect him despite whatever else has happened.

The next time the door opens, a wheelchair is pushed through it. And in it is Chan, his suit and tie exchanged for a few hospital gowns.

“Hi,” Chan starts.

“Hey.”

“Wow…they really beat you up.”

Mike would nod if his head wasn’t still throbbing, so he just hums.

“You…you shouldn’t have gone there alone. I knew the second I asked you to go that I should go with.”

“But you came back. You…you saved me.”

“I couldn’t let my partner die.” The man crosses his arms and looks out the window, then down at the ground. “For what it’s worth? You’re the only partner that I’ve ever seen do the right thing every time. How could I let you get killed?”

Mike smiles, slightly, pained.

“Well, I won’t keep you. I’ll uh…I’ll let you be. Just one more thing.”

“What?”

“I won’t be too offended if you take early retirement. I can find another partner. Probably not as good or as spoiled as you, but I’ll manage.”

Despite the throb that comes with it, Mike actually laughs.

****

They let Mike go home two days later. Liv was content to give Sonny a week off to nurse him back to health, but after seeing him she wants to give a whole month. She doesn’t, but she’d like to.

Sonny is tender with Mike. He asks no questions, waiting for Mike to be ready to talk, waiting for Mike to lose it, to have the freak-out he couldn’t have in the semi-public space of the hospital room. He waits for it, while the space of their apartment is only broken up by the television and the sound of sizzling pots and pans.

It gives Sonny time to think too. It means he realizes something when he walks back into the living room to see Mike, who’s wearing Sonny’s Fordham sweatshirt and is covered from the waist down with a throw blanket they bought together when passing by a one off store that looked like it had potential. His heart squeezes and throbs as he takes in the deep bruises down the side of his face.

“Marry me.” Sonny blurts out. It’s Mike’s turn to stare in shock at his boyfriend, taking in his distressed expression.

“What?”

“Marry me.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring box he’s been carrying around since he got that awful call, which he opens and holds down in front of Mike. “Marry me. Please. Before something else happens, promise to marry me.”

Mike takes the box and peers down at the grey band, with a single small but perfect diamond in the middle. Slowly, a smile pulls across his face.

“How long have you had this?”

Sonny crosses his arms. “I bought it a while back. I was planning on giving it to you on our anniversary and it was gonna be a big and romantic thing, but hell I need to do this now. I can’t wait that long. Clearly. So, are you going to marry me or what?”

Mike beams and, slowly, nods.

“Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“Yeah? You’ll marry me?”

“I will.” Mike repeats, and in an instant a set of lank arms are wrapped around his torso, clutching him tight despite his wound. But he doesn’t mind. He lets himself be hugged and kissed and squeezed, and when he thinks Sonny can handle it, he rests a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Absolutely anything for you.”

“There’s something in the safe I want. Can you bring it to me?”

“Uh…okay.” Sonny gets up and goes to the bottom of one of the bookshelves, where their safe is kept. He punches in the code and peers in. “What am I looking for?”

“Underneath the cemetery plot stuff, a little box.”

He lifts up the folder and his motions stall before he pulls out the little white box.

“What’s this?” Sonny asks, looking up at his fiancé. Mike half shrugs, still smiling.

“Open it.”

A silver band. Two stones, one purple, the other green. A knot forms in Sonny’s throat, and he looks at Mike with watering eyes.

“W-What…?”

“I was going to do the same thing. With our anniversary.” He waits a moment. “It’s our birthstones.”

Sonny’s face breaks its rigidness after a few moments, twisting so he doesn’t begin to cry.

“Sonny? Babe, what’s wrong?”

He sucks in a breath and looks down at the ring. “I-I just…I’m thinking about how I would’ve found it. A-And I can’t believe….what if you hadn’t come home?”

“Sonny, no-“ Mike tries to get up, but Sonny closes the distance between them and pulls him into another suffocating hug.

“D-Don’t you _ever_ do that to me again.”

“I promise.” Mike murmurs. “I promise. No more almost dying.”

Sonny scatters kisses all over Mike’s face before the two of them pull back to look at their rings, now in their proper place on each other’s hands. It doesn’t matter that Mike’s is hidden away in his sling.

All that matters is that it’s there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! Sorry that this is a day late! Hope this was worth it. 
> 
> In other news I have a long weekend and I've managed to sleep deprive myself ways worse than I ever did at school. Not so good. 
> 
> Anyway, here's this heart wrenching chapter. I'm gonna go work on Search for a little while. Have a good week, all!


	10. June through July, 2018

For a second, Mike’s okay. That second between when he’s aware of his mind coming back online, and his memory of who he really is.

And then it happens. Mike remembers. The gun, the crying, the screaming, the shattering of dishes-

His eyes shoot open. He breathes hard, sending zings of pain up into his wound.

“Baby,” Sonny’s soft voice just rises over the sound of Mike’s breathing, and he leans down so he’s in Mike’s vision. A few tears slip down the side of Mike’s head, and Sonny’s hand moves to wipe them away.

“H-Hi…” Mike breathes. He would reach his good hand up and touch the hand that’s on his cheek if it weren’t asleep where it is wedged into the couch cushion. Sonny’s soothing voice croons to him as he keeps stroking his cheek, his pink fingertips passing over Mike’s stubbled chin.

“Hi Mike.” Sonny’s hand comes to a stop, and he sits back up. “Hi hon. You’re okay. You’re alright.”

“I-I’m alright.” Mike repeats, then clears his throat. His dry throat. The hand on Mike’s cheek moves to stroke the collar of his plaid shirt instead.

“Yeah, you’re alright.” Sonny offers him a slight, sideways smile. Well, sideways to Mike.

“Yeah…” Mike gazes up at him, taking his boyfriend- _fiancé, actually_ \- in. His hair is greasy and there’s some purple marks beneath his eyes, proving Mike right, that Sonny isn’t actually sleeping.

“Hey, it’s about time for another pill. Do you need it?”

Mike swallows, draining his mouth of whatever saliva is left. The throb in his shoulder is back, like it was when he’d fallen asleep, and he feels a twinge in his strained neck. “Uh…sure.”

“Okay, aright, I’ll go get that.” Sonny presses the tips of his fingers to his lips, then to Mike’s unbruised cheek. He groans when Sonny lifts the pillow that Mike’s head is resting on off of his lap, a sharp pain radiating throughout his whole head. Sonny drops the pillow at that. “Ah! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Mike’s eyes shut tight and he tries to breathe out the pain that threatens to overwhelm him again, like it had the night before. Why would Mike think it was a good idea to just rest his head back against the shower wall? Why would he do that when he knew he couldn’t judge just how far away from the wall his head was?

The Valium was the reason. And now the Valium was necessary to push back the pain sprawling through his face, a map of where he’d been beaten.

Sonny eases Mike up off of his back so he’s sat up on the couch, awakening layers to the pain and making the Valium extra necessary. He keeps his eyes closed while he waits for Sonny to come back, and when he does it’s a struggle to open them, another headache taking hold. Mike lets his mouth drop open so Sonny can place the halved pill on his tongue, then sips from the straw in the glass of water Sonny’s holding. Even the action of sipping worsens the growing throb.

Sonny shushes him, gently, and murmurs “It’s alright, Mike, it’s alright, you’re gonna feel better soon.”

“C-Can I go to bed?” Mike musters, his voice almost inaudible.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Sonny’s hand automatically reaches for Mike’s face, but drops to pat his leg over one of his older scars I stead. “C’mon, let’s get you in bed.”

Sonny wraps his arms around Mike’s torso and slowly stands up with him, just in case Mike passes out or loses his balance. The shades are already letting in the first inklings of indigo light, but it’s not bad enough to keep Mike from falling asleep. With his stomach empty, Mike can already feel the pain killer taking effect.

“Here we go, Mike.” Sonny murmurs, and lowers him into bed. A new wave of pain burns up and over Mike’s face when his head rests on the memory foam pillow that makes a point of cradling his head. He lets out a hiss at the feeling.

“I’m sorry.” Sonny murmurs, and gently strokes Mike’s good arm, then takes his hand and presses a soft kiss to the back of it. Mike strains to make out the faintest outline of Sonny in the darkness.

“It’s okay.” Mike murmurs, and turns up his hand to stroke Sonny’s cheek. Sonny leans into the touch, his own hand coming up to cover Mike’s. They sit there for a moment, listening to the mostly silent darkness, feeling one another’s touch.

“Love you.” Sonny murmurs, and gives Mike’s hand an extra squeeze before disappearing from his touch. For a moment he’s lost from sight too.

Disappearing into the darkness. Into that dark building. Where nobody can see

“Sonny?” His voice is loud enough to hurt his own ears, and his body goes to sit up on reflex. His heart starts beating fast.

“Hey, Mike, it’s alright.” Sonny’s voice is still soft. He leans over Mike, reappearing from the swallowing night and puts a hand over Mike’s. “I was just gettin’ into bed. That’s all.”

“Y-You…” Mike forces himself to breathe, trying to drown out his panicked thoughts that haven’t caught up with reality.

“It’s a’right, Mike.” Sonny leans down, and his lips ghost over Mike’s hairline. The warmth sooths the bruising, for just a moment. “Here, how about I climb over you. Y’know, so I don’t disappear on you again.” He doesn’t wait for a response, climbing over Mike’s solid body to get onto his half of the mattress, then rolls over closer to cuddle into Mike’s side.

 _You thought about Sonny?_ Dr. Lindstrom’s question echoes in his mind as he tries to settle down. Sonny’s hands, soft and familiar, entwine with Mike’s, while a kiss gets pressed to his uninjured cheek. Mike’s thumb, the one in his sling, touches his engagement ring. The one he hadn’t known was waiting for him.

Because the truth is, of course Mike thought about Sonny. It was why he’d fought so hard to get out of that house. He couldn’t leave Sonny.

Not then. Not now.

If Mike had it his way, not ever.

****

The initial drugged haze staves off Mike’s memory for an extra few seconds. He’s not-pain free, but pain-reduced, enough that he can stretch himself out and remember he shouldn’t be stretching his shoulder before he feels the screaming pain that should happen.

And the Mike remembers his shoulder, and how a bullet ended up going through it. Again. And then he reaches out and looks for Sonny’s form, but all he finds are cold sheets. His eyes shoot open to take in the ceiling, light blue from minimal morning glow. He turns his head and keeps rooting around, but rolling over to get a better look proves out of the question.

“Sonny! Sonny!” Mike calls out. The bathroom door flings open and Sonny comes out, naked from the waist up, his hair still a fluffy mess.

“Mike, hon, what’re you doing up?” Sonny asks, coming around to his side of the bed and flicking on the light, washing away a good chunk of the anxiety swallowing up Mike’s brain.

“You were gone…” Mike says, his voice sleep ridden once again.

“It’s all good Mike. I’m just getting ready. Hey, you mind if I check on your injuries?” Sonny reaches a hand out towards Mike’s head.

“Fine.” He concedes, and lets Sonny feel around on the back of his head, making sure the swelling and bumps have gone down. Every little press sends branches of pain out into his skin. His hair is still damp when Sonny slides his fingers through it. Courtesy of his two-in-the-morning shower.

“You should stay home today.” Mike says while Sonny wipes his hands on his pants. Sonny gives him a look.

“Because?” He asks gently.

“Cuz…you didn’t sleep…you’re not all there.”

“Aw, hon I’ll be alright.”

“When did you go to bed?”

Sonny shrugs. “Three? Three thirty?”

“See? You won’t be paying attention. You’re going to be out of it.”

Sonny finds Mike’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’ll have an extra cup of coffee. Who knows, I might even resurrect my law school Redbull habit. But I’ll be fine. Unless…”

Mike looks up into Sonny’s eyes. “Unless what?”

“Unless…y’know…if you’re not feeling good. If you’re feeling iffy. Like you should go see Dr. Lindstrom. I’m alright staying with you if it’s that.”

Mike sighs softly, and wraps his hand tighter around Sonny’s. “Just be careful? And come home to me?”

“Promise. And I promise I’ll be home on time tonight too. You have my word.”

“Okay.” Mike doesn’t sound any less worried.

“And I’ll drop by, make sure you take your medicine.”

“No, no don’t do that.” Mike shakes his still pained head with his still stiff neck. “I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

“A’right, fine. But I’ll call and remind you to take it. The pill holder is on the counter. Okay?”

“Okay” Mike relents. Sonny takes Mike’s hand in his own and brings it to his lips, kissing where his Fordham ring had rested only a week ago. Then he places a kiss on Mike’s unbruised cheek.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Mike says, before letting Sonny go. He feels like a bit of his soul leaves when Sonny leaves.

Sonny feels the same absence when he leaves Mike alone. Almost as soon as he leaves, Sonny feels the urge to call Mike or text him. Something. Something that lets him know Mike is okay. That Mike is safe.

Fin is already in with a perp when Sonny shows, and Amanda gives Sonny a brief side-hug before telling him that Liv wants to talk to him. That sparks his nerves, but he goes into her office anyway, giving a slight knock.

“Hey Lieu.”

Her head lifts from her laptop as he closes the door. “Carisi,” she smiles slightly and gets up, giving him the same half hug that Amanda did. “Welcome back. How’s Dodds?”

“He’s, uh…” Sonny sighs. “About what you’d expect, y’know? I mean, what happened to him was pretty rough.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“Yeah. But, tell the truth Lieu, I don’t feel like it’s my place to say.”

“That’s alright.”

“So…is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“No. Actually I wanted to let you know that Chief Dodds called me yesterday.”

“About me?” His brows raise.

“Not personally about you. Just to say that, if you wanted, he could have you file some paperwork or another that you could get the next eight weeks off.”

He thinks on that for a moment, then chuckles. Of course he would try to go through her. “Yeah, unpaid.”

“No, paid, actually.”

Sonny sighs and rubs his chin. “Listen…I don’t want to put you in the middle of us, Lieu. I just don’t wanna leave you guys short staffed, y’know?”

“Carisi. If you need to take the time, take care of him, don’t worry about that. We can manage.”

“Oh yeah, just what I want. Me leaving and coming back to find I’ve been replaced.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Why would that be so bad? You don’t think we could use one more person around here?”

“Different issue for a different day. Just please, don’t worry, I think I’m going to be sticking around.”

“Alright Carisi. But you have to be the one to tell him.”

“Ah, I’m not worried. He likes me.”

“Who would’ve thought.”

He rolls his eyes and smiles slightly. “Thanks Lieu.”

“Oh, Carisi” she says when he’s halfway to her door. He turns to her again. “Congratulations.”

Sonny’s face pulls up into a bright smile, and he looks down at the ring, then to his boss. “Thanks, Lieu.”

The suggestion of taking time off work and the actual work he’s doing does take up space in Sonny’s brain, but still, it’s not enough to distract Carisi. His texts go unanswered. And, later, his calls go unanswered.

When he checks his phone for the hundred and something-th time, a message makes his phone buzz. Except it’s not from Mike.

-Is everything okay?- the message is from Liv. Sonny looks up to see Liv sitting at her desk, not watching him. He sighs and gets up, going into her office.

“Hey, Lieu, Mike’s not picking up. I know I’m on the job-“

“Go. He has a head injury. Don’t take any chances.”

Oh god, he hadn’t even thought of that. Sonny’s too worried about wondering if Mike has done anything-

But he can’t think about that as he rushes home. He can’t manage to imagine Mike hurting himself. Except he can. Which is why he _runs_ home.

“Mike!” Sonny yells out louder than he means to. The living room is empty. “Mike!” Sonny yells as he runs through the kitchen, then into their bedroom.

There’s a lump in their bed.

“Mike.” Sonny says in a more normal volume and comes around to his side of the bed. He pulls back the blanket, and Mike lets out a low groan. Sonny sighs and rests a hand on Mike’s neck, and he finds his usual pulse. “Jesus, Mike, wake up.”

“Hmm?” Mike hums.

“Mike, you need to wake up. Take your medicine.”

“Mhm…took it…”

“What do you mean you took it?” Sonny interrogates his still sleeping fiancé.

“Took…” he groans. “Took two…waited too long…didn’t work…”

Sonny’s heart squeezes against his ribs. “Mike, you took two halves of Valium?”

“Uh huh…” he yawns a little and cuddles down into the bed. Sonny sighs and rests his head in his hand, relief and exhaustion flowing through him.

He sits there for a little while, before making the inevitable call to Liv, letting her know that he won’t be coming back for the day. Not after that.

****

There’s a sharp knock that wakes Mike up. Hard and loud and repeatedly against the front door. Mike’s heart lurches when he realizes it is definitely a sound at his front door and that he’s completely alone and doesn’t have someone to protect him.

Mike stumbles out of bed and goes into his closet, grabbing his taser out of his belt while the knocking keeps coming.

Mike makes his way to the door and presses his eye to the peephole. His eyebrows go up and he sets his weapon in his messenger bag on the coatrack, then unlocks the door.

“Matt?”

“Hey Mike.”  His brother stands on the other side of his door, holding a bag of greasy fast food.

“Everything okay?” He asks, his old suspicion sneaking out. Matt blinks, surprise and hurt showing clear on his face the way it does on their mother’s.

“No, yeah, I’m good Mike. I just figured, y’know, you’re holed up in here, maybe you want some company? But I can go?”

“No, no you’re fine.” Mike steps away from the door and lets him in, then locks the door behind him. He rubs his eyes, trying hard to wake himself up fully.

“Where do you keep your plates?” his brother is already rooting through the kitchen. Mike chuckles and wipes the eye crumbs from his face.

“Plates? Wow. Look at that. Graduated from the days of ‘the bag is the ultimate plate.’”

“Shut up” his brother laughs. “Aha. Found where you hid ‘em.”

“Yeah. I really hid the plates from you.”

“Boy, I thought those happy meds were supposed to mellow you out.”

“Oh…right…should probably take that.” He goes over to the counter and pops open the afternoon box, taking out the half of a pill and swallowing it dry. His brother puts hamburgers and French fries on plates, and sets them down on the table. Mike unwraps his food and he’s glad when he sees it’s cut in half, making it easier for him to eat with one hand. For a little while it’s silent, save the noises of chewing and sipping. Mike keeps his head down, missing the way his brother stares at his bruised face and head. When Mike does look up, he blinks.

“So….” Matt starts after swallowing his mouthful of potato and tomato. “Dad says you’re a real hero. Again.”

Mike scoffs and drops his eyes to his half eaten food. “Dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“He doesn’t?” Matt asks. Mike taps the table as he thinks, then sighs.

“No, he doesn’t. Or he acts like he doesn’t know.”

“Mike…come on…you got held hostage, that makes you a hero.”

Mike slams his fist down on the table. “No, it doesn’t! You can’t be a fucking hero if you don’t save anyone!”

Matt’s eyes blow wide, and he crosses his arms over his chest, casting his gaze down. He looks quite a lot like a chastised kid. When the shock of raging self-hatred ebbs, Mike unclenches his hand and leans his chin in it.

“I’m sorry, Matt. It’s not your fault.”

“No, I know.” He says while hugging himself. “I didn’t mean-“

“I know you didn’t. It’s not…it’s just not true. I’m not a hero…not for this.”

“But” his voice strengthens. “You saved that woman, didn’t you?”

Mike’s eyes drop, his appetite sapped by the growing effect of the Valium. _Wow, even with half a stomach of food, that stuff works quick._

“Not really.”

“Oh…I just thought…”

Mike would shake his head if his neck wasn’t still aching. “Don’t believe everything dad tells you.”

“Well dad is the one that knows you, so.”

Mike sees the harsh edge of his brother’s words reflected in his face too. “No he doesn’t.”

“He found out about you and Sonny first.”

“By accident. And I still probably wouldn’t have told him if he hadn’t barged in.”

“Oh…dad didn’t mention that.”

“Dad knows how to cherry pick his details.”

“Okay. Well. If you want to talk-“

Mike puts up a hand. “Please, Matt. I don’t want to talk. Sonny’s waiting for me to talk, and he made me go to my shrink already.”

“So…okay…” Matt nods, like he’s deciding on something. “Okay. That’s fine. You don’t need to talk to me.”

“Matt-“

“No, I mean it Mike. You…y’know, you’ve always been there for me. I just wanna be there for you, y’know. If you need it. Whatever you need.”

Mike listens, and he actually feels good about what he hears. “Thanks Matt.”

“Yeah, well…you’re my big brother. I love you. I don’t want you, y’know…being alone isn’t good for you. You think it is because it seems like there’s no distractions, but that’s the whole point. Once you’re out of distractions, you’re kinda screwed.”

Mike thinks on that, and from his mildly drugged state of mind, it makes sense. “Thanks, Matt.”

The talking drops out between them for a few moments, and they go back to their food. His mind registers something a few moments too late. “I love you too, Matt.”

Matt smiles a little. “Yeah, I know.”

****

After another five of these lunches, Matt suggests that they go out for lunch. Movie, then lunch. One of the latest superhero movies, which Matt lets Mike pick. Matt’s too scared of picking the wrong movie and giving his brother a flashback or whatever. That’s the last thing he wants. He knows it’s hard enough, with people staring at Mike’s mostly faded bruises and slung shoulder. The movie is easy because there’s absolutely zero motivation to talk.

Lunch is easy at first. They talk about the movie and what they enjoyed about it and bond over their mutual lack of knowledge about superhero movies. But Matt doesn’t mind that he spent half of the movie confused. Seeing his brother out of his home and among people is the whole point. The mood is light and the only reminder of what’s happened to Mike, for himself anyway, is the occasional pain in his face and shoulder.

“So what’re you doing for work?” Mike ventures while they wait for their food.

“Oh, I work the night shift at the theater.”

Mike’s eyes widen. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope. The bravest thing I do on the job is give people a large popcorn with their medium combo.”

Mike laughs and shakes his head slightly. “Wow. That’s pretty good, Matt.”

“Look at me, I’ve come such a long way. I’m back to having a teenager’s job.”

“Yeah, but still…proud of you.”

“Oh, don’t get sentimental on me.”

The brother’s laugh, but it’s cut off by a gasp when a dish shatters against the ground. Mike gasps and clamps a hand around his brother’s thin wrist.

“Ow, ow, ow, Mike! You’re hurting me!” Matt tries to pry off his brother’s grip, even when he sees the look in his eyes. They’re dead, and his mouth is hanging open, panting for breath. Mike’s hand, where it’s clamped around Matt’s wrist, is trembling. “Hey, hey Mike, calm down.”

Tears fall down Mike’s face, and his jaw shakes too.

“Shh, Mikey, Mikey c’mon, calm down.”

“I-I….I…” Mike tries to talk to his brother, who he knows is there, but all he can see is the pair of brothers that haunt his nightmares.

“Mikey, c’mon.” Matt insists, and gets up, dragging his brother by the hand that’s still wrapped around his arm. He pulls Mike into the bathroom, with a great deal of effort. His brother is still much stronger than him, and trying to move Mike without his wanting to move is so very difficult. Matt hates watching his brother come apart, starting to cry as his vision comes back. The guilt is completely obvious on his face.

“I-I’m sorry…I-I didn’t mean-“

“No, I know.” Matt reassures. Mike, finally, lets go of his brother’s wrist and clamps his arm around his brother’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry….I’m so damn sorry…I didn’t mean…” he breaks down in sobs, and wraps his free arm tight around Matt’s shoulders.

“Woah, Mikey, please, you gotta calm down, you need to- should I call Sonny or something?”

“I-I want Sonny.” Mike chokes out, his face pressed into Matt’s neck. Matt strains to reach into his pocket but pulls out his phone and dials Sonny. He picks up on the second ring.

“Hello?” His thickly accented voice comes down the line. “Matt?”

“Sonny. Mike, it’s Conny. Talk to Sonny.” Matt pulls the phone from his ear and Mike takes it, pulling away from his brother but still standing close.

“Sonny…” He whimpers into the phone.

“Mike? Jesus, are you alright? Are you hurt?”

“No, no, I just…I-I just….someone dropped a dish and I-I” he breaks down in sobs, even less restrained than before. Matt panics, and grabs some paper towels to wipe his brother’s face.

“Hey, come on, Mike, breathe with me” Sonny says, and starts to do some controlled breathing. Matt wipes his brother’s face free of tears, and glares at the guy who comes in and stares at the two of them.

“Okay?” Sonny asks gently after ten rounds of breathing that he counts out.

“Okay.” Mike repeats, and sniffles.

“Aright. Good. That’s real good, Mike. Do you need me to come get you guys? “

Mike’s thumb plays with his engagement ring, spinning it round and round on his concealed finger. “Um…no…but, could you please not come home late tonight?”

“Should be. But I’ll make sure of it, I promise you.”

“Okay…I love you.”

“I love you too. So much. Hey, maybe see if your brother will stay with you for a little longer than usual? Just so you’ll have the extra company?”

“Sure. I’ll ask.” Mike sniffs again. “I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll see you then. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Mike says. He hears the way his lover lingers on the phone, waiting for Mike to say something else, before hanging up.

It’s tense for some time after that. Matt and Mike sit together in silence, and when their food comes Mike just starts playing with what he’d ordered instead of actually eating it. His precarious appetite is shot.

“I’m sorry.” Mike mumbles. Matt looks up from his sandwich and swallows the half-chewed bite in his mouth.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His eyes flick down to Matt’s wrist, which is red and sore looking, and will be shaded purple and blue in a day or two.

“Hey. It’s alright, Mike. You got freaked, it happens.”

“I can’t just go around grabbing people every time someone drops a dish. And besides…” Mike looks at his sibling, and something in his chest tightens. “You’re my little brother. I love you. How could I hurt you?”

“Well you weren’t trying to. And it’s not like you were hitting me or anything, you just grabbed me. I bet you would’ve done the same to Sonny.”

Mike grimaces. “Jesus…”

“But Sonny would understand too. Sonny loves you, he adores you. And you guys are pretty serious, right? That’s gotta count for something.”

The thing in Mike’s chest that had tightened before does it again, this time even harder. “Yeah…um…actually, we’re very serious. We’re” he clears his throat “engaged.”

Matt drops the French fry that was halfway to his mouth, letting it fall to the table instead of back on the plate. “You what?”

Mike keeps pushing his ring. “Yeah. He proposed after I came home from the hospital. We haven’t really told anyone, but things have been so…you know. It’s been low on the priority list. Still, I haven’t taken it off since he gave it to me.”

“Holy shit.”

Mike smiles. “I know. I couldn’t believe it either. That after seeing me through a fourth shooting, he still wanted to marry me.”

“Can I see it?”

Mike glances down at his sling. “Uh…at home. You can see it there, when I change my clothes” he says, his fingers toying with the fabric at the end of his oversized, green plaid shirt. His anxious sweat smells worse than his normal perspiration, and he has a strong desire to change into clothes he hasn’t been triggered in. “Can we get going, actually?”

“Yeah, sure Mike.” Matt pops the dropped fry into his mouth before calling the waiter over.

Matt’s too quick with his wallet, handing over a credit card before Mike can remember which pocket he even has his in.

****

There’s still sun in the sky at seven, when Mike finds his way into the restaurant. It’s pretty full (Manhattan on a Friday night, what do you expect?) but Mike can’t pick his father out of the crowd.

“Can I help you?” The hostess asks.

“Oh, uh…would you happen to know where the Dodds party is? Probably a party of two.”

“Dodds! You must be Mike.” She says, her eyes flicking to his sling then back to his healing face. “Your father talked my ear off about you. He’s in back, come along.” She leads Mike to the back of the restaurant, which is quieter, with far fewer people in it. Only a handful of tables, and William is sat at one of them.

“Jeanine! You found my son for me!” William says to the hostess, who giggles slightly before leaving them. Mike’s shocked his father’s full embrace, something he’s still not accustomed to. And yet the older man is careful not to pin Mike’s arm between them. “Mike, it’s good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, dad.” Mike says, trying not to sound wary.

At least his dad waits the minimum amount of time- that is, the time it takes for someone to look at a menu and then order their food- before asking Mike “How are you doin’, son?”

Mike sighs. “It’s been a lot, dad. Just…with everything that’s happened lately, I’m not sure what I’m doing.”

The chief nods and crosses his arms, putting them on the table, his face stoned in thought. “I guess I understand that. But you’re going to all your doctor’s appointments? You’re doing physical therapy?”

“Yeah dad. Naomi said she’s getting sick of seeing my face around.”

“Well of course she is.”

Mike laughs, and shakes his head. “Thanks dad.”

“I’m serious, son. This is your fourth round of therapy with her, I can see why she’d be frustrated with you. And I’m sure Sonny is too.”

Mike blinks. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, don’t get like that, son. I’m not saying he blames you for getting shot, but I’m sure he’s so tired of being worried about you all the time.”

Mike scoffs and pushes his hidden ring around on his finger. “Is this you telling me to take the lieutenant’s job?”

His father shrugs, something Mike still can’t do without pain. “Maybe.”

“Maybe.” Mike mutters.

“Or maybe it’s time you think about hanging it up.” William replies. Mike freezes for a second. _Did he…?_ He looks to his father.

“Hanging what up?”

“Y’know, hanging up the job. Getting out of the line of fire. Look at this injury as a transition point. A wake up call. Whatever you want to call it. Just think about taking three-quarters.”

“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, dad, it’s one thing for you to pull strings with SVU or JTTF, but my retirement?”

“This isn’t string pulling, Mike. You’ve been shot four times in three years, twice in the same spot. You do actually qualify for three quarters.”

“Yeah. Right. Like they’re not going to be looking at the name on those papers.”

“Mike, listen to me, _please._ ” His father’s voice is tinged with desperation, almost cracking under the weight of it. “I’m not saying you have to but just _think_ about what this could mean for you. No more chases. No more shootings. No more god awful things every single day. Just letting yourself be safe.”

“Will I ever be safe? After the amount of people I put away?”

William sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. “Mike-

“And what am I supposed to do when I’m retired?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure you and Sonny have talked about that before, haven’t you? If not, you should’ve. Just think about it, son. Consider it. Talk to Sonny about it, I’m sure he’d love for you to talk about this with him.”

 _He’d love it if I talked at all at this point._ “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

William nods, and he seems to be letting it go. “Alright…you and Sonny, how’s that going?”

“It’s going fine, dad.”

“Are you sure? Because I let him know he could get some paid time off with you and he didn’t seem too keen on it.”

“He doesn’t want to leave them short staffed again.”

“We can take care of that. The place isn’t going to fall apart without him.”

Mike chews his lip. He remembers wanting to tell Sonny to take the time, stay with him, be around him, and how selfish he’d felt for wanting to do that. And how sad he’d been when Sonny had gone back to work the next day. William breaks his concentration and keeps talking.

“Tell you the truth, I don’t get why he’s still a cop at all. I mean, he puts himself into all that debt to become a lawyer and then just stays a cop? Don’t get me wrong, he’s great to have around and I need cops that know the law and know how to get around it if they need to, but you don’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to just become a better cop.”

Mike gives his father a look, and they make eye contact.

“I know it’s not the safest job in the world. Look at what happened with Barba, getting death threats and all. But it’s better than this.”

Something in Mike’s heart softens, and he drops his gaze.

“Anyway….anyway.” His father says. “I talked to him today. Told him I would mention his taking time off to you, just to get the ball rolling on that conversation. Let him know that I’ve got all the paperwork done for him, he just needs to sign.”

He looks at his father again and raises his eyebrows. “You did?”

“Of course I did. You kids, after stuff like this happens, you need to reconnect. And how can you be reconnecting if he’s leaving you alone all day?”

“I’m not alone. Matt’s with me.”

The chief stalls. “Matt? Your brother Matt?”

“No the plumber, Matt. Yes, my brother Matt.”

The chief chuckles at that, practically hearing Sonny’s voice come out of his mouth. “Wow. How about that?”

“Yeah, and it’s been nice, dad. He’s really grown this time. He’s on his way to having a full-time job at a movie theater. He’s really got his act together.”

William nods, slowly, like he’s thinking it all over as he listens to Mike. Then he comes back to the present. “That’s nice, hearing that my boys are getting along. But I still think you and Sonny need to take some time. Go on vacation. Be alone together somewhere. Appreciate what you’ve got, because it might not last forever.”

Mike’s thumb stops, and his heart thumps against his chest. “Well…actually dad…”

William gives his son a scrutinizing look. Mike unclips his sling, which is more precautionary than necessary after almost three weeks, and unfolds his arm enough for his dad to see the ring gracing his left hand. William’s eyes open wide and he carefully takes his son’s hand, looking at the piece of jewelry.

“What the…? When…? How…?” His father’s burning blue eyes meet his own. Mike smiles, his face not hurting nearly as much as it had a week ago.

“Right after I came home. He asked, and I said yes. You didn’t notice he was wearing a ring when you talked to him, huh?”

William shakes his head and looks back at the silver band with the diamond in the center. “He had his hands in his pockets, come to think of it…damn… Well congratulations, son. Hey, come on, get up and give me a hug.”

****

Sonny’s home when Mike comes through the door, his sling on again and a doggy bag in hand. Sonny comes out of the kitchen and greets him with a “hi” and a peck on the lips, then takes the bag. “How was dinner? This shirt looks nice on you by the way.”

Mike looks down at the purple and grey plaid shirt he’s wearing, then chuckles. “Says the person who bought it for me. And dinner was good. Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Uh…yeah. Okay. Am I in trouble or is this about what your dad said about time off?”

“The second thing” he says as they migrate towards the sofa. “My dad says he has it all set up and ready to go. I get that you don’t want to leave them short staffed but-“

“But I should be with you. Helping you recover. Reconnecting with you.”

“Yeah.” Mike agrees. Sonny finds his free hand and takes it into his own, his face falling serious.

“I don’t like that I’ve been leaving you alone all day.”

“Well you made sure Matt was around at least.”

Sonny shakes his head. “No, that was Matt’s idea. He called me and asked if you seemed lonely. I just said it was worth a shot. I was hoping you might open up to him.”

“Because I haven’t opened up to you.”

“Not like that, Mike.” Sonny sounds defensive, despite Mike’s neutral tone. “I know you need time to process what happened to you. I mean, you went through hell, how could you not? I know you’re not like me, you don’t need to talk things to death when you’re upset. And maybe that’s why I kept going to work. I was hoping that if I gave you enough space you’d come to me and tell me about what happened or at least want to talk about something. And maybe it’s a little bit of me not wanting to see you so awfully hurt, and hoping that one night I’ll come home and you’ll have made a 180 and…Christ, I’m rambling and this all sounds awful. Aren’t you going to stop me?”

Mike’s not angry. He’s got his head tilted, and his expression soft. “No. Like you said, you need to talk about things.”

Sonny sighs. “Look…I’m sorry I haven’t been around enough. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t wanna smother you but I don’t wanna abandon you either and I think I’ve done both but I can’t tell…maybe a vacation would be a good idea. Give us time to get back in sync, y’know? Am I making any sense?”

Again, Mike smiles, and squeezes the hand that’s holding his. “Yeah, it does. I get it. So…vacation?”

“Vacation.” Sonny agrees, and lets out a relieved sigh. He leans in and graces Mike’s lips with a gentle kiss, taking care not to hurt his tender face any more than it already has been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...okay...wow...this story is so long and I love it for that. But I'm a bit baffled by myself. How is this story possibly longer than Search by now? 
> 
> Anyway, here's a nice (kinda sad) update for my favorite rare pair. 
> 
> Hope you all like it. And have a Happy Halloween this week!


	11. July through August, 2018

It’s quiet when Mike opens his eyes. Not the quiet of their apartment, which is still littered with car horns and people screaming at one another. No, this is Catskill quiet. The kind of quiet that, at this time of day, isn’t even punctuated with twittering birds. Those awful memories of what happened are pushed off for a few moments, until after Mike’s eyes are open and he remembers why he’s in a house so far removed from his home.

He takes a few minutes, flexing and moving the limbs he can, and then the ones he shouldn’t. He flexes his fingers, his arms, then moves a hand up to massage the tender flesh of his open wound. It’s still hot to the touch, but the membrane of reforming skin is strong enough that he can touch it without fear of busting through and spilling blood over himself and his sheets.

Mike glances at the digital alarm clock sitting on the bedside table. 1:24. Figures. He sighs softly and relies on his abdominal muscles to sit up out of bed on his own. It’s a miracle they don’t hurt anymore, that he’s come so far. Mike gets himself up out of bed and goes out into the well lit living room, where he finds Sonny on the sofa, a book in his hands. His head lifts at the sound of Mike’s footsteps, and gets up to kiss him. Just a gentle peck on the lips.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” Mike says back, and rests his head on Sonny’s shoulder. The same one he’d rested on the night before. A hand comes up to rest on Mike’s bare back, rubbing circles into the milky flesh.

“You doing better?” Sonny asks, the echoes of Mike’s sobs from the night before still ringing in his ear. The thought makes Mike’s panic rise, just a little, as he remembers how long he’d been in distress when he woke. Mike nods, slowly breathing in Sonny’s natural scent. “Hey, how about I make you something to eat?” Sonny murmurs, still rubbing his back. “I bet you’re pretty hungry.”

Mike hums, since he can’t actually shrug. He gets another kiss, this time to the temple, before Sonny pulls away, forcing Mike to stand up straight. But he’s too exhausted to stay standing for long, and instead follows Sonny to the kitchen, where he sits down at the table. Mike keeps rubbing sleep out of his eye as he watches Sonny go about whipping him up some eggs and toast. Sonny knows better than to offer to make bacon to go along, since Mike’s stomach is still pretty sensitive.

There’s something so…soothing, about watching Sonny move around in this space that’s exclusively their own, while making food just for himself. There’s a vague part of Mike that wants to take a little video of the moment, but his phone is still beside his bed. And regardless, it’s not that strong an urge. Not like it used to be.

“Here we go.” Sonny murmurs as he sets a plate down in front of Mike along with a glass of water, and plants another soft kiss in Mike’s greasy hair before grabbing a bowl of cut up fruit he’d made for himself before sitting across from him.

So he won’t just be sitting there, staring at Mike while he eats. And Mike’s grateful for that.

But, after a few minutes, the silence swallows up the space between them and the looks they keep throwing each other’s ways get more loaded. Mike clears his throat after he takes a sip of water.

“So how’s your day been?”

“It’s been a’right. Not great. God, I had the friggin’ weirdest dream wake me up this morning.” He stalls and looks at Mike. “If you wanna hear about it.”

Mike’s heart thrums with pain at the thought of Sonny bottling up his feelings. “Of course I do.”

Sonny chuckles, but the sound is half hollow. “That was too strong an answer but okay. So, I had this dream that I was just sitting at home, in the living room, lookin’ at papers where nothing made sense. I was so damn frustrated. And then, all of a sudden, the doorbell rings. Now, I couldn’t tell what time it was in the dream, but I felt tired so I figured it was pretty late. Okay, so I get up, go to the door, and it’s one of my exes. But, like, way back exes. Like, when I was still a beat cop. Haven’t thought about her in years. And I ask her, ‘Rose, the hell are you doin’ here?’ y’know, cuz I’m tired and confused. And without missing a beat she tells me there’s someone she wants me to meet. And she waves over to someone and I swear, the girl that walks over to us…Mike, it was the weirdest goddamn thing. She was definitely a girl- pretty sure, anyway, can you ever really tell?- but she had, like, your face.”

Mike pauses mid chew to think that over, then slowly goes back to his food, swallowing his bite. “Huh…”

“Yeah. I know. Freaked me out so bad I woke up.”

“That’s so…” Mike pulls out his introductory level psychology, trying to think of some meaning that dream might have. But he’s still tired and it’s been so long since he’s been in school that he comes up blank. “Strange. You should tell Dr. Lindstrom about that.”

“I’m sure I will. Gotta jot that down, I’ve got a list of things going for my next phone session. But that sure as hell isn’t happening today. I’ve already spent too much time on the phone today. That nightmare woke me up at six thirty. Quarter to eight rolls around and my mother calls me. Friggin’ I asked her, ‘Ma, your kids are grown and dad gets up for work all on his own, what the hell are you up for?’”

“That’s a good question.” Mike agrees, sitting back in his seat, watching his fiancé talk. “Did she have an answer for you?”

“Just that she wanted to talk. Which I was still kinda…whatever.” Sonny sighs. “So she chewed my ear off for an hour and change. I was getting the guilt treatment and shit.”

“Guilt?”

“Sure, guilt. For not bein’ around the last few weeks. I swear, by the time I hung up with her I had a headache. So I popped some aspirin and laid down on the couch for a little while.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“To do what? Complain?”

“Well…”

Sonny brushes it off. “Please. I’m doin’ that now and I only had to wait a few extra hours to do it. Sides, I couldn’t take anymore talking for a while. I chilled out, let my headache pass, then did some reading. Like I said, weird morning.”

“Sure sounds like it.” Mike agrees, and finishes his last scraps of food.

“Do you want some more?” Sonny asks, pointing to Mike’s plate with his own fork.

“No, no I’m alright. I think I’m going to go do my exercises now. If that’s alright with you.”

“Of course.” Sonny gets up and picks up Mike’s plate, then runs a tender hand through Mike’s hair. That little action breaks through the numbness of his mind, making his heart swell.

****

After an hour of sitting on the house’s back porch, looking out over the landscape while he does his PT exercises, Mike goes inside. He changes his clothes, then sits with his head in Sonny’s lap, watching movie after movie on Netflix before it’s late enough for Sonny to make them dinner.

Lasagna, of course, in its usual excessive portions. And bread too. Because there weren’t enough carbs in the pasta alone.

But that doesn’t really matter. Mike’s glad for the food and Sonny’s company, even if they’re quiet for a while. Quiet until he catches Sonny’s gaze fixed on him. Mike sits up a bit, causing Sonny to blink and refocus on his face instead.

“Everything okay?” Mike asks. Sonny opens his mouth to answer, but takes a moment to think.

“Uh…”

“What? Does this shirt make me look fat?” Mike cracks a smile and looks down at the blue plaid shirt that’s soft enough to wear over his uncovered scar. When he looks back at Sonny, he’s wearing a slight smile.

“Yeah. You’re huge. I can’t believe how fat you’ve gotten, you’re such a disgrace.”

“Shut up.” Mike laughs, and takes another bite of lasagna, giving them both a moment to collect themselves. “But really, what were you thinking, just then?”

“A couple things.” Sonny takes a sip of his drink. “First, I was wondering how much longer you’ll need that sling.”

“Oh…well, the doctor said at my last visit that I should use it at my own discretion. To use it if I felt like I needed it.”

“Huh. And you still do?”

Mike shrugs. Barely. “Maybe it’s just a habit now. I’ll try sleeping without it tonight. Why, what else was there you were thinking of?”

Sonny taps his fork lightly against his plate. “Nothing really. Just a stray thought.” He makes like he’s brushing it off.

“You can tell me.”

Sonny shrugs and rubs his free hand through his hair. “Don’t take it personal, alright?”

“Okay…”

“I was just, y’know…like, I haven’t really seen your left hand in a while. I was wondering if you were wearing your ring.”

A smile pulls across Mike’s face. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not. But don’t worry about it, alright?”

“I’m not worried. I just think it’s funny. Like, if you can’t see it, is it really there?”

Now Sonny’s smile appears, and he nods along. “Yeah. Exactly. It’s like that.”

“Don’t worry.” Mike sets his fork down and undoes his sling, setting it aside and holding out his hand so his fiancé can see. The small diamond glints in the kitchen light. “See? Right where it’s supposed to be.”

“Yup, Right where it’s supposed to be.” Sonny leans his chin into the palm of his left hand, his own ring on display.

“Subtle.” Mike teases, and keeps eating while they talk. Sonny does the same.

“Yeah…I’m sorry I haven’t…like…y’know, made a huge announcement about it yet or anything.”

“I get it. Things have been weird.”

“Okay. You get it then. That’s good to know.”

“You could just ask. You know that…”

“I do, I do.” Again, Sonny tries to brush it off. “It’s just hard to talk about. I feel like I’m bothering you after, y’know, you almost died.”

“It’s alright, Sonny. You can still talk to me. Don’t you know that?”

He sighs softly and reaches over, resting a hand over Mike’s where it’s resting on the table. “I do. But it’s good to know is all.”

Again, that breaks through to Mike, making his pulse speed up and a smile pull across his face. It lingers there through the rest of their meal. It lasts until they start cleaning up.

Mike’s in the middle of grumbling about having to bring his dishes to the sink for the first time in a month when Sonny nudges him a little too hard. Before he can stop it, the plate clatters to the floor, cracking into a half dozen pieces. Before Sonny realizes what’s happened, he’s being suffocated by Mike’s grip. His arms wrap around Sonny’s torso, his face buries against Sonny’s neck, and his fingers dig into whatever skin they can find.

“No!” Mike cries over and over again, clutching his fiancé tight.

“Hey, it’s alright” Sonny tries, pulling Mike out of the kitchen and into their bedroom, but it’s a battle. His legs are rigid, and he has to be forced to move. Sonny can feel where he’s going to be bruised tomorrow, where his skin would be broken and bleeding if it weren’t covered by his shirt.

When he’s calm enough, and Mike’s eyes are looking at Sonny instead of the inside of that house, his cries of “No!” becomes sobs of “I’m sorry.”

****

It’s almost three when Sonny comes into their bedroom the next afternoon. Mike knows the time. He spent the first hour after he woke up on his phone, and then another hour just laying there. Gently, Sonny perches on the edge of the bed and rests a hand over Mike’s, even though his eyes are closed.

“Mike. Sweetie. Aren’t you gonna get up?”

Mike lets his eyes remain closed, pretending to be asleep.

“Mike, hon. Mike, are you awake?” He gently squeezes his hand. Mike hums softly at that. “Mike? Babe, it’s time to get up. It’s so late…”

Mike slowly opens his eyes, and immediately regrets it when he sees the bruises showing around Sonny’s upper arm. Tears come right to his eyes, threatening to spill.

“Hey, Mike no. Please don’t.” Sonny gets right in Mike’s face, so close that he can only see Sonny’s eyes. “Honey, it’s okay.”

“N-No…it’s not…”

“Aw, Mike, sweetie…” Sonny’s hand comes up to rest against his face. “Shh it’s alright babe. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me.”

“i-I hurt you…” Mike’s voice pitches up, his tears running down over his temples.

“You were scared. That’s all. Come on, here.” Sonny’s arms reach around Mike and pull him up, letting him hide his face in Sonny’s neck. He keeps his face hidden, while the tears intensify.

****

It’s another few days before Mike lets himself get too close to Sonny. He sleeps facing away from Sonny and spends a few days hiding in their bed. He can feel the soreness creeping back into his shoulder, but he doesn’t care. He’s too drained to care. Too caught up in his own sadness and pain to think about anything else

There’s a soft knock on the door around four. Mike doesn’t answer, and Sonny comes in anyways. Wordlessly, he climbs into their bed and spoons up behind Mike. Mike tenses, his instinct telling him to pull away. The shame Mike feels at ignoring Sonny, on a trip that’s all about their reconnecting, bubbles up onto his tongue.

“I’m sorry.” Mike murmurs, strengthened by the feel of Sonny’s breath washing over the back of his neck and their fingers intertwining. Sonny’s lips press gently against the nape of his neck.

“Me too, baby. Me too.”

“What’re you sorry for?” Mike asks, squeezing Sonny’s hand, their engagement rings pressing together. He feels Sonny’s shoulders move.

“For not being more careful. And for not knowing how to help you. And for ignoring you.”

Mike rolls his eyes. “Sonny, I’ve been ignoring you.”

“You’ve been sad. That’s not on you.”

“Yes it is. I’m the one that dropped-“

“Stop it.” Sonny’s hard voice cuts their tender moment like butter, silencing Mike and his guilty apologies. Sonny sighs, gently, out of his nose. Then, he scoots away and pulls Mike by the arm to lay on his back, hoping for a kiss. Instead, Mike groans when his shoulder hits the mattress. “Does that hurt?”

“A little.” Mike admits. Sonny’s face pulls with worry.

“That’s not good. Here, sit up.”

Mike wants to ask why, but instead he sits up and turns so his legs are swung over the side of the bed, feet resting on the floor. Once again Sonny comes up behind him, and his hands slowly begin working over the muscles of his shoulder, picking out the tender spots where the muscle has tightened up. Mike lets his eyes slip shut, trusting Sonny not to aggravate the injury. He grunts and groans when things hurt, but never tells Sonny to stop.

Sonny’s hand slides over the bare skin of Mike’s arm, caressing his tricep and slowly working his arm until he’s holding it straight out. It’s accompanied by Sonny’s other hand slowly working out the kinks of his damaged shoulder muscles. He can feel the way Mike’s muscles tense and relax under his grip.

Sonny casts his gaze down on the sun tattoo adorning Mike’s arm. Gently, without breaking the stretch he’s in, Sonny leans down and presses his lips against his muscle. He can feel the warm flow of blood beneath his skin and lets his mouth linger there for a few moments. When he pulls away, he sees Mike’s head is leaned further back in relaxation. And so, Sonny repeats the action. He kisses the image softly, gliding his lips over the black ink, wondering vaguely how much it had hurt Mike to get this permanent reminder of Sonny. His boyfriend.

His fiancé.

His, someday, husband.

The hand on Mike’s arm slides down to his hand, taking it in his own, their rings butting up against one another. With care, Sonny brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses Mike’s ring finger, just above where the silver band rests. Sonny lets himself enjoy the stretch tendon, and the tickle of fine hair against his lips. When his eyes open, he finds Mike’s gaze intent on him. That gaze that was almost lost on him forever. When Mike leans in, Sonny closes the distance between them for a proper kiss.

Warm, loving affection is revitalized in both of their chests. The tendrils of affection that had laid dormant in Mike for several days flex their muscles, reassert themselves. The kisses go on, Mike’s lips warming from the heat of Sonny’s mouth. He feels something…growing in him. Something healing. Pieces of him being pressed back into place. The emotional equivalent to having his shoulder popped back into place. Their bodies shift so they’re facing each other, giving them easier access to each other.

Sonny’s lips travel, down over Mike’s jaw and before settling against his neck. Mike can’t help wondering if this would’ve been the bulk of their relationship if they’d met as teenagers. Would they have just made out all the time?

Not like this. Sonny’s lips stop, just resting on a single spot, heat lingering on that one space. No, it wouldn’t have been this tender when they were young. It would’ve been hot, steamy makeout sessions until their lips were sore and they had to stop, unless they wanted to get caught with their hands in each other’s pants. Which young Mike never would’ve let happen. Young Mike would’ve pushed Sonny away so he wouldn’t be allowed to hurt him. But there’s no hurt here. There’s nothing selfish or immature or adolescent about these feelings. Mike’s eyes drift open, and one of his hands slides into the softness of Sonny’s hair. His hand moves with Sonny’s skull as he pulls back, deep blue eyes searching Mike’s

No, he’s not healing now. He’s breaking. Or maybe something holding him back is breaking. The levy is blown, and a wave of feelings wash over him as he gazes into that tender face. In that face he sees an ill-defined map of his future, which he’d almost missed out on. In that split second he sees Sonny’s face twisted and red from grieving tears, and it strikes fear suddenly and intensely into his heart, sending it racing.

“I-I can’t go back.” Mike sobs. Sonny’s face softens even further, and one of his hands comes up to Mike’s cheek, gently brushing away his tears. “I can’t go back…I can’t do it anymore, with the killing and the raping and the…all…all the awful things people do, I can’t anymore…I-I can’t…I can’t…”

“Shhh, it’s alright Mike.” Sonny pulls him up off of his back so he can rest his head on Sonny’s shoulder. His arm wraps around Sonny’s torso, keeping him close, totally forgetting to avoid the places he’d bruised Sonny a few days ago. Now one of Sonny’s hands is in Mike’s hair, softly petting it. “It’s okay Mike, you don’t have to go back. You don’t have to, I promise.”

“I…I can’t…I can’t die…not out there…not now…not ever…”  

Sonny’s arms strengthen around him. “No. You can’t and you won’t. I promise.”

They both know that’s dumb, to promise that someone will never die, but for the moment it’s what Mike needs.

****

The quiet that envelopes the couple as the afternoon turns into evening is easier than before. More comfortable. They don’t need to talk. Sonny holds Mike as he comes down from his panic, and Mike allows himself to be held until Sonny lets go and brings them dinner in bed. They flick on the TV in their bedroom and eat reheated lasagna, and let their brains unwind from the ambient stress of the last few days. They sit close, keeping each other in arms reach until Sonny brings their plates to the kitchen. Before the faucet starts running, Mike is startled by the buzz of his phone.

It’s an ongoing buzz instead of a single pulse. It makes Mike hyper aware of his surroundings and makes him see threats where there are none for a few moments before he picks up his device. He rests a hand on his chest, over his heart, forcing it to slow down before picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey son, that you?” William’s voice comes down the line. For once, it actually calms Mike to hear his dad.

“Hi dad. Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, sure, everything’s good. Just calling in, making sure you’re doing alright.”

“I’m doing just fine, dad.”

“Good, good, that’s good to hear. And Sonny’s taking care of you, I hope?”

Mike smiles, his thumb pressing against his ring. “Yes. He is. We actually just finished dinner.”

“Dinner, that’s good. Good to know you’re still eating.” William’s voice is jumpy and anxious, different from what Mike’s used to.

“Of course I’m eating. I need food, dad.”

“Right, right of course. I’m just thinking, you know, sometimes…after big things happen to them, they stop eating or stop sleeping. Or they go the other way and eat and sleep too much. Which, from what it sounds like, Sonny might have you do. With the eating part anyway.”

Mike pulls the phone away from his face. Sure enough it says “Dad” on the screen. He brings it back to his ear after a moment. “You okay dad? Really?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just wanted to know my son is okay and that you’re using this time wisely.”

“To do…what? Study for my lieutenant’s exam again?”

William’s laugh is brittle. “No, son. Not at all. Just making sure that you’re thinking. Talking. Trying to figure out what comes next.”

“Yeah…what comes next…”

“You haven been thinking about that, haven’t you?”

“Here and there.”

“And?”

The words climb up onto Mike’s tongue, then cling to it. “Dad…I can’t go back.”

“So you’re going to take three quarters then?”

“Yeah…I just can’t do it anymore, dad.”

“Hey, son, don’t try and explain to me. I know. This is a stressful job, and you’ve already given so much for it. You deserve a break. A fresh start. And that’s something you have to think about when you’ve got someone else who’s relying on you.”

Mike blinks, still shocked by his father’s understanding at this all. Or maybe it’s just his fear.

“Uh-“

“Not to say that Sonny’s incapable of living on his own. But you boys, you need each other. It would be such a shame for one of you to get hurt and leave the other alone. Who knows? Maybe Sonny could use this as a turning point in his career too, look into that ADA business. Just suggest it, next time you guys start talking about all this. Or maybe you’ve already decided on that, I don’t know.”

“We haven’t really made any firm decisions yet.”

“Except for you leaving.” There’s more of the decisiveness in his father’s voice when he says that, just as Sonny reenters the room.

“Right. That’s the only thing that’s been decided on, dad.”

“Alright. Well, be sure to let someone know that, okay? Not right this second, but eventually.”

“I’ll do that.” Mike says as Sonny sits down on their bed once again. “Thanks for calling me, dad, but I’m actually going to lay down now.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“Unless there was something else you wanted to talk about.”

“No, not really. Go, Mike, rest up. Give me a ring some time? Before you come home?”

“Okay dad.”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you soon.” He lingers on the phone. Mike waits. And so does William.

“Alright dad… love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

“Everything alright?”  Sonny asks, laying down with Mike, the only light in the room coming from the muted TV.

“Yeah. My dad just wanted to know if I was really leaving the force. I told him yes.”

Sonny nods slightly, though only half of his face is visible in the blue haze. Mike lets that sink in while his body gets hugged by the mattress they’re lying on. For a few minutes, they listen to each other’s breathing as the weight of that decision washes over them.

“What’re we going to do?” Mike asks softly. He starts to play with his ring, spinning it around on his finger.

“Well” Sonny starts, his voice soft, like he doesn’t want to break the mood. “you can retire. Which is good. But I have to quit. And I don’t want to do that until I know I have something lined up. Y’know?”

“What’re you thinking?” Mike asks softly. Sonny shrugs.

“Maybe an ADA job. I could hope. Something safer. Hopefully then your dad will stop bugging me about my law career.”

Mike chuckles. “Please. Now that he sees you as a son, he’s never going to stop giving you career advice.”

“I guess I can live with that.” Sonny sighs and reaches over, resting a hand on Mike’s cheek, cupping his stubbled face. “But we’ll get it all figured, promise.”

Mike relaxes when the hand that’s on his face moves up to brush through his hair. His eyes threaten to fall shut, but he can’t take his eyes off of the way Sonny is looking at him. “What’re you thinking?”

“That I like your longer hair. It does something for your face.” Sonny replies after a moment of thought.

“Covers it up?” Mike asks. Sonny rolls his eyes and smiles.

“Shut up.” Sonny teases, and rolls onto his back, his hand pulling away, leaving a coldness on his scalp that makes him shiver. Mike watches him, and at that moment his thumb presses into the diamond on his ring, sparking a question in Mike’s mind.

“When did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Sonny rolls back onto his side and look at Mike. “When?” he asks, and Mike nods. “Honest?” And Mike nods again. “After the first time you got shot. I don’t know if you remember this, but you said you wanted to go home, and I told the cabby your address. And you got all upset and asked why we weren’t going ‘home home.’ And dammit, that got me so choked up. I knew then that I wanted every home I had after that to be our home. Do you remember that?”

Mike blinks a few times, searching through his drugged memory. He remembers being in a car. He remembers sitting next to Sonny in the back seat. He even remembers being upset. “A little. Wow, you knew then?”

“Yup. But, y’know, I didn’t want to say anything. I mean, you were pretty drugged and we were only four months in. I didn’t want to scare you off.” He smile widens. “I know when you knew.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. My first birthday with you, remember?”

“How could I forget?”

“I know I couldn’t. We were just stood in my living room, dancing around to that song. Our song.”

“I remember.” Mike says wistfully. “Our song. That should be our first dance song,

“You sure about that? I mean, I love that song, but what’re other people going to think when they hear that song?”

“Screw other people. It’s not their wedding. It’s ours. I want to dance to our song, even if it does have the N word in it.”

Sonny chuckles. “You’re right. Of course. Friends and family who can’t get that, be damned.”

“Face it, the people who can’t deal with that are probably the same people that won’t be coming to begin with.” Mike points out, taking Sonny’s hand in his own.

“You’re right. But it doesn’t really matter who’s there, besides us. All that matters is that we’re there.”

“That we’re there. Ready to tell whoever shows up that we love each other, and that we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

The thought of the rest of their lives seems much less daunting, now, knowing that they’ll probably last much longer.

Mike rolls onto his stomach so his head is pressed against Sonny’s chest. A hand slides into Mike’s hair, soothing him further. “I love you. And I can’t wait to start planning a wedding with you.” Mike murmurs against his chest.

“I love you too.” Sonny replies. “And don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I know someone who can help us with planning.”

“Anybody but Gina.”

There’s a beat of silence. “Nevermind then.” Sonny says, and they both laugh, though they still manage not to break their newfound calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...alright, so sorry I missed out on updating last night, you guys. But I hope this was worth it. 
> 
> Okay then...well...hope you liked this. I have a concert I'm going to tonight, so I hope to get some homework done tonight. The homework that never seems to end, lol.


	12. August through October, 2018

When Mike walks through the doors of joint terrorism, he’s greeted by a smattering of applause, and a round of “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” More than he ever expected. Even more than that was the cake congratulating him on his retirement. He answers the same polite question of ‘what’s next’ a few dozen times with the same polite answer of ‘oh, I’ll figure something out,’ which gets laughs every time. It’s so odd, how easily people laugh. People look at his retirement like it’s a privilege, a luxury. They don’t understand what four bullets in two years could do to a person’s mental health.

But why would they? How would they know? It’s not like he’s friends with anyone there.

After an hour and a half of talking and eating, Mike gets the chance to pack his desk. One of his colleagues, a detective he knows used to be in the army, comes over along with another detective.

“Wow…hard to believe, Michael Dodds is actually leaving the job.”

“Even Mike Dodds can’t believe it. But this job has it out for me, I might as well quit while I’m ahead.”

 “So what’re you supposed to be doing instead? Are you going to sit around all day watching daytime TV?” the other detective asks. Mike laughs, but the words are weighing down his tongue.

“Actually I think I’m going to be in charge of wedding plans for a while, since I’m the one with more free time.”

That’s greeted with a chorus of ‘whoa’s. “What do you mean, ‘wedding plans?’ Since when the hell are you getting married.”

“Uh-“

“What’d you do, Dodds? Did you guilt Sonny into it while you were recovering?” Chan asks as he comes back to his own desk. Mike laughs, genuinely this time.

“Believe it or not, he asked me.”

“Knowing him he had the ring and everything, right?” Chan juts his chin at Mike’s hand, where his ring is resting, plain as day, though the two other detectives are busy staring at Mike.

“He sure did. He was waiting but, you know, I forced his hand.”

“More like that bullet did. Hey, I hope I get an invite.”

“Considering that you’re the only reason there was even a proposal? Yes, I think you’re invited.” They laugh it off and Mike plants the last of his personal belongings in the evidence box before looking to the two detectives quietly staring at him. “So, yes, that’s probably what I’ll be doing with my free time for a while.”

They give a few hasty congratulations before getting out of his way. Mike gives Chan a look, and Chan just rolls his eyes.

 _Well, that’s one down,_ Mike thinks as he makes his way out. Telling someone other than his father and brother that he’s getting married makes the prospect of telling Sonny’s parents that much easier.

****

The ride out to the weekly affair that is the Carisi Sunday Dinner is a bit nerve racking. They catch each other playing with their rings, then hold each other’s hands tight as they ride the train. The tension simmers, but it comes to a boiling point when they get to the house, and slip off their rings. “Just until we tell them,” Sonny promises.

Mike is greeted by a few careful hugs and a halfhearted fist bump from Tommy, which is more than the nod he gets from Dominick Senior. At least Valerie is cordial to him, asking if he wants anything to drink and not serving his plate last.

“So where’d you guys go again?” Bella asks after they’ve said grace.

“Up to that cabin in the Catskills. Same one we went to after I got shot, remember?” Sonny asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer. “It was so nice. Nothing to do but eat, sleep, relax-“

“And physical therapy.” Mike adds.

“And physical therapy.” Sonny repeats past a mouthful of manicotti.

“And it’s all better now? Your arm?” Bella asks.

“Thankfully. They were worried me being shot in the same place twice would make recovery harder but it was no worse than the first time.”

“Woah, wait, the same what what now?” Gina cuts in. “You’ve been shot in the arm before?”

“Sure.” Mike answers, and Sonny chuckles. “What?”

“Nothing, just, ‘sure.’ It’s just a funny way to say it.”

Mike smiles slightly and shakes his head. “Anyway, yes. The first time I was hit was in the same shoulder. But now I’m done with all that.”

“You quit?” Valerie asks. Mike pats his mouth with his napkin.

“I did. They offered me early retirement after being shot four times in two years.”

“Huh,” Dominick says, and everyone looks at him. There’s a few long seconds of silence before he looks up from his plate.

“What’s that, dad?” Sonny asks, and Mike can hear the way he’s working not to get defensive.

“Just wondering what you’re going to be doing if you’re not working.”

Sonny’s jaw tightens, making a muscle in his neck jump.

“Well he’s getting benefits. And it’s a kinda good thing, actually” Sonny reaches into his pocket and slips his ring back on under the table. Mike follows his lead. “Because it means Mike is going to have some time on his hands. Which means he’ll have time to…well…” Sonny looks to Mike for strength, then brings his left hand up. “We’re getting married.”

His sisters shriek in shock before they’re on their feet, all of them hugging Sonny and Mike with less care than before.

Val gives her son a peck on the cheek, then pats Mike on the shoulder.

Dominick doesn’t move.

_Just what I expected._

****

“Come on Mike.”

“Why? I don’t want to.”

“It’ll be fun once we get into it.”

“Do I have to?”

“No, but if you love me you will.”

Mike bursts out laughing and slams his locker shut. “Jesus Christ, you sound like such a predator when you say shit like that.”

“Well I’m sorry, I just think that since we’re here, we can’t back out now.”

Mike gives him a sideways look and a smile. “It’s a Zumba class, not a cult.”

“I know, I know” Sonny holds up his hands, his water bottle hanging off two of his fingers. “Look, all I’m saying is that we’re here now. It’s been so long since you’ve worked out. This is a good way for you to get back into things! Just a fun cardio class to get you that hit of endorphins and stuff. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, that’s what Jenny keeps saying.”

“Well maybe Jenny is right. You won’t know if you don’t try.”

“Since when did you become Mr. Optimistic?”

“Since I don’t want you turning into a couch potato. Now come on, before the class starts.”

Mike rolls his eyes but follows along anyways. The exercise room is mostly full when they walk in, but still Mike tries to stay near the rear of the room. Sonny starts moving, though.

“What’re you doing?” Mike asks, and Sonny turns to him.

“Don’t stand in the back. C’mon, stand in the front.”

“What? Why?!” Mike keeps his voice low, trying not to draw attention to himself.

“Because.”

“No no no, because is not an answer. I don’t want to make myself look like a moron.”

“Mike, seriously, you can’t stand in the back.”

“Why?”

Sonny’s voice drops even lower than Mike’s, and his lips stay still when he speaks. “Because you’ll look like a creep, checking out everyone’s asses.”

“But I’m not.”

“I know that, but they don’t know that.”

Mike rolls his eyes. “I’m not standing in the very front.”

“Fine, then near the front. Hey, I bet once you’re into this you won’t even remember that these guys are here.”

Mike has to settle for standing in the second of five rows of women. Nobody pays them any mind where they are until the instructor comes in.

“Mike! Hey!” a brunette with her hair in a bun says, coming over to him. “Wow, you’re back. Where’ve you been?”

“Oh you know. Recovering from getting shot.”

“Again.” Sonny chips in, and Jenny laughs.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

“No, definitely not. Dominick Carisi Jr., call me Sonny.” He reaches out and gives her hand a good shake.

“Well it’s good to meet you Sonny. I’m Jenny. You’re here with Mike?”

“Sure am.”

“He roped me into coming to this class.” Mike says, feigning annoyance. “He said it would be fun.”

“What, it is! I took a couple classes with my sisters, I know it’s fun. Jenny, come on, tell Mike it’ll be fun.”

“Oh I’ve said it before. But now I get a chance to prove it. Have fun you two!”

Mike’s shocked by two things once the class gets going. The first thing he’s surprised by is how into the session Sonny gets. Sonny is a fit guy, but not because of trying. He’s naturally skinny and enjoys the occasional game of softball or basketball, but he’s not an athlete. Despite this, Sonny gets very into the workout. He’s smiling throughout most of it, enjoying himself while not taking himself too seriously. The second thing that catches Mike off guard is how much work this workout takes. The fun music and creative body movements are a distraction, but still he feels the burn in his muscles and his chest.

The most cardio Mike ever did was jumping rope, and even that was a warmup. This workout pushes him to his limits and leaves him breathing hard by the end of the hour. He sucks from his bottle while Sonny looks on, startled by how strung out he is.

“You okay?” Sonny asks between pulls of liquid.

“Mhm,” Mike hums, still drinking.

“What’d you bring, water?” Sonny asks, beads of sweat running down his cheeks. Mike takes a few hard breaths as he nods.

“Here.” Sonny offers his own bottle, his breathing evening out. Mike gives him a questioning look. “It’s Gatorade, take some.”

Sure enough, Mike takes the bottle and starts chugging, making the flexible plastic of the bottle crackle inwards. Sonny takes a sip of the plain water, enjoying the plainness washing over his tongue, chasing away the sweet taste that feels like it’s undoing all the work he just did.

“Well, how’re we doing over here?” Jenny, her shoulders covered in a sweatshirt, asks as she comes over to the two of them.

“Like I just got my ass kicked,” Mike answers, his breath uneven as he looks up from the bench he’s sat on.

“You’re kidding, really? This was a problem for you?”

“I never do cardio.”

“Well,” Sonny says, and Mike glares and smiles at him.

“I meant at the gym.”

“Well see? Now why didn’t you say that?” Sonny laughs and sips Mike’s water again.

“How about you, Sonny? What did you think of that?”

“That was a hell of a lot of fun, actually. I don’t know if I like it enough to make it a regular thing though. I mean, the last time I was in a gym it was to talk to a witness, so this is kinda new for me.”

“You’re a cop too?” Jenny tilts her head, looking between them.

“Well sure, that’s how we met, right babe?” Sonny reaches over and squeezes Mike’s good shoulder, and suddenly her eyes lock onto the ring where it’s resting on his finger. Her face stretches into recognition, then relaxes into a smile.

“Sure is, hon,” Mike agrees and reaches his left hand over to squeeze Sonny’s, drawing attention to his own ring.

“That’s so sweet. I wish I could meet someone where I work.”

“What? You mean you don’t have a whole slew of guys hitting on you here?” Sonny asks sarcastically. Jenny gives him an amused look.

“Let me rephrase that. I wish I could meet someone nice where I work.”

“Oh, I hear that,” Sonny agrees. “Gym guys, the guys who make going to the gym their life, they’re a bit much. Gym girls not so much. I dated this girl once who was really into all this health, workout, vegan, green whatever stuff, but she didn’t get obnoxious about it like the guys do.”

Confusion plays across her face for a second before she nods in agreement. “You know, I think you’re right about that. But the girls can take it too far sometimes.”

“Well sure. I mean, listen, this girl was shallow as hell. There’s a reason I went on all of three dates with her. But the guys, it’s like they make it the center of their lives. So glad you’re not like that,” Sonny looks at Mike, who chuckles.

“Me too. I can’t stand guys like that either.”

Jenny’s phone buzzes and she pulls it out of her sweatshirt pocket. “I’m sorry, I’d love to keep complaining about guys with you but I have to run. Nice meeting you Sonny! Hope I see you guys again!”

She runs out of the room, and Sonny and Mike follow on her heels, shutting off the lights behind them. Mike changes back into the t-shirt and jeans while Sonny pulls on his slacks and button up shirt, leaving the rest of his clothes in his gym bag. They catch a cab home, enjoying their exercise-high in silence.

“God, that girl, the moment she realized we were a couple…” Sonny says once they’re back in their apartment.

“Yeah. She was shocked. I guess I don’t give off that ‘vibe’ or whatever.”

“Kinda funny though. Thankfully she didn’t seem too bothered by it.”

“Thankfully…I’m sorry I didn’t tell her though. Beforehand.”

“What?” Sonny asks as he comes out of the kitchen, stringing on his apron. “Why’re you sorry?”

“Because…I don’t know. Shouldn’t she have known already?”

“Mike, hon, it’s alright.” Sonny comes over to where he’s sat on the sofa and pecks his forehead. “We didn’t start telling people until, like, now. It’s understandable. I’m gonna get a start on dinner, just chill out for a while. Please, don’t feel guilty about this.”

Mike doesn’t really feel like watching TV, since he spent a good bit of his day doing that. He ends up turning on the TV as background noise for his perusing the internet. He scrolls through Facebook, then switches to checking his same dozen and a half farm listings, something else he’d lapsed on doing after the last shooting. Seeing that a fifth listing has sold makes Mike’s heart pang. One more future that he doesn’t have a shot at. Then again, it’s not like they would’ve gone with that farm. The one that Mike now sees is sold cost a half a million dollars and was actually a horse breeding farm, rather than just a stable. Still, he sighs as he moves the link from the SALE folder into the SOLD folder. And when that’s done, Mike resigns himself to watching the sitcom rerun playing on TV. He can smell the rich aromas pouring out of the kitchen, so he knows it’ll be done soon.

 “Yeah, well you know what I think it is?” Mike mutes the TV as it goes to commercial and Sonny’s voice comes through into the living room. “I’m gonna tell you. All these straight guys out here are so fucking terrified of gay guys because they’re worried that gay guys are going to treat them the way they treat women!”

Mike gets up and pokes his head in the kitchen to see Sonny laughing, one hand holding his phone to his ear while the other stirs pasta water. “I know, right! Seems so obvious once you hear out loud, huh?” Sonny turns from the stove and laughs when he catches sight of Mike. “Oh, no, sorry Chief. Mike’s just poked his head in and he’s giving me his ‘what the fuck?’ look. Do you wanna talk-“ he asks into the phone, then looks to Mike. “Do YOU wanna- Here, just take it.” He hands the phone off to Mike.

“Hey dad.” Mike says cautiously. “What’re you talking about?”

“Oh just about this book that Sonny loaned me.” The Chief talks as Sonny dumps out the pasta, then splashes it with olive oil. “All about America’s history of persecuting gay people. God, Mike, it’s really something else.”

Mike feels his eyes widen in a ‘duh’ way that he wouldn’t do if his father was there and nods. “Yeah dad, it was really bad.”

“Not was- is, son! It’s still bad! Maybe not here but in Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, India- and those are just our friends! And if Mike Pence had it his way we would be going back to that.”

“Wow…dad, this is way too heavy for a Wednesday.”

“Not for Sonny it isn’t. Boy, Mike, you really lucked out finding such a smart, intelligent, perceptive person for yourself.”

 _Is this how Matt always felt? Being compared to someone else?_ “Yeah, I really did. Well, let me put you back on with him and I’ll talk to you later.”

“A’right son. Love you.”

“Yeah. Love you too, dad.” Mike replies, still startled by that kind of goodbye, then hands the phone back to Sonny who’s now plucking meatballs off of a baking tray.

“A’right, I’m back, Chief. Anyway, you were saying?”

Mike watches as Sonny nods and ‘uh huh’s along, wondering what profound things his dad must be saying.

“Hey, listen Chief, me and Mike are about to sit down to dinner, but I’ll give you another call tomorrow or somethin’ and we’ll pick right back up there. Sound good? A’right…a’right Chief…” A smile pulls on his face and he glances at Mike. “Can do…okay, bye.”

Sonny plugs his phone in, then goes about plating up their dinner. He hangs up his apron on the hook next to the fridge before sitting down with Mike at the kitchen table. “Okay, here we go. A good meal to help refuel after a hard workout.”

Mike thanks Sonny, and they spend a few quiet minutes eating, getting the initial feeding frenzy out of the way.

“So…you and my dad are talking again?” Mike asks. Sonny blinks over at him.

“Well yeah. Were we not talking?”

“No, I mean, he’s not mad that you’re leaving SVU.”

“Oh, no, no he’s friggin’ thrilled about that. Liv was kinda upset to see me go, but your dad thinks it’s a great thing. Hell, he thinks this could be the beginning of a career in politics for me. I tried not to get his hopes up but...y’know…”

Mike chuckles. “Yeah. I do. He’s probably already imagining you as a senator or something.”

“Probably. But, yeah, me and the Chief are all good.”

“That’s good. You two, you’re really tight. I’m glad he likes you so much.”

“Hey, me too. It’s a hell of a lot easier having your dad as an in-law than it is to be stuck with my parents. Your dad, he’s making a real effort to know me and to learn about feminism and gay history and politics and all that.”

“From you.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, from me. With the books and the discussion and all.”

“Right…right…and how do you know about all that again?”

Sonny rests his elbows, bare since his sleeves are rolled up , on the table but doesn’t set his fork down.

“Well…y’know, it’s been a gradual process, learning about all this stuff, because it’s been about learning not to…y’know…hate myself. Like, I didn’t dare try learning about this stuff until I got to college, where I took some women’s studies courses. And on the job...I mean, all the stuff that happens to women or because of men…it’s undeniable. And in law school I learned about discrimination and took some courses about feminism and how women should be a protected class but aren’t. All very interesting stuff. But I didn’t really buckle down and start learning all the concrete stuff and commit it to memory until we got together. Y’know, learning what is a feminist and is it really okay for men to be feminists and is it okay for straight guys to be feminist, and all the stuff having to do with LGBT+ people…figured it was my responsibility to know about it if I’m gonna be in a long term relationship.”

“Huh…” Mike watches Sonny take a bite of his pasta. “So…what’d you figure out? Are you a feminist? I mean…how do you even quantify that?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty much a feminist. Not pretty much, I am. There’s nothing, like, shameful about it.”

“But how do you know? Is it because you voted for Hillary Clinton?”

“No, but that does kinda say something about me being a man that sees women as capable and smart and the best option since she’s literally had the most presidential training of any candidate ever-  
“ Sonny stops himself and takes a deep breath. “But, no. It’s about seeing women as people and recognizing that pretty much everything wrong with the world is related to men having to dominate women or anybody who acts womanly. I think you’re” he points his fork at Mike “a lot more feminist than you know. But you should really give a few of those books a read, learn more about it. I think it’s real important that we both be feminists. And the active kind.” He punctuates his sentence by stabbing a meatball on the end of his pasta filled fork, then stuffs the whole thing in his mouth. Mike looks on and smiles slightly, and Sonny raises his eyebrows. “What? Why’re you lookin’ at me like that?”

“Like what?” Mike asks, but he can feel the smile on his face grow as he watches Sonny wipe his mouth.

“Like I’m nuts. You think I’m goin overboard with all this stuff, huh?”

“No, not at all.” Mike leans in closer to Sonny. “It’s just…I love hearing you talk when you care about something. You’re so passionate. That’s…” Sonny waits. Mike shrugs. “Kinda beautiful.”

Sonny grins. “Thanks Mike. And hey, thanks for letting me talk about stuff like this.”

“Thanks for letting me listen.”

****

Gina shows up at Mike and Sonny’s door a little before eight, wearing a short skirt and a tight top, showing off her stick figure frame. “Jesus Gee, are you tryin’ to find a guy at this thing?” Sonny asks when he opens the door. Gina rolls her eyes and comes in, her flat shoes leaving her a good five inches shorter than her brother.

“It gets hot at concerts Officer Fuddy Duddy. Is Mike ready?”

“Ready,” Mike answers, coming out of the kitchen. He plants a light kiss on Sonny’s lips before pulling a light jacket on over his clothes, which are more casual than Gina’s. “I’ll be back.”

“You better be,” Sonny teases, and squeezes his arm. “Have fun. Text me when you’re on your way home.”

“Will do,” Mike promises before leaving with Gina. The only thing covering her shoulders is a light sweater.

“So, how’s retirement treating you?” Gina asks as they walk down the street. Mike shrugs.

“Alright, I guess. A little weird, not having to get up for work every day.”

“Seriously? Ugh, that sounds like heaven to me.” Gina loops her arm through Mike’s as they walk. “Never having to deal with all those people and their crap again. Like a dream come true.”

“I didn’t hate my job, I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Oh…” Gina mulls that over until they reach the next block, heading uptown to the concert venue. “So did Sonny do anything special for your birthday this year?”

“You mean a few weeks ago?” his voice is softer this time, more of a tease than a jab. She smiles at that. “No, not this year. I don’t have my hopes high for next year though.”

“What? Why don’t you want a big party next year?”

He shrugs. “I’m not a big party person, really. I was even uncomfortable when they threw me a mini retirement party at Joint Terrorism. But next year is my 40th, so I know it’s going to be a big deal.”

Her arm tightens around his, and it feels like she’s going to stop walking. “Forty?! You’re serious?!”

“Of course. And knowing your brother…actually, he might not go as whole hog. The wedding is next year too. But we’re not paying for it so-“

“Whoa, wait, what? You’re not paying for your wedding? What, are your friends doing it?”

Mike laughs. “Our friends aren’t that generous. No, my dad offered to pay for the wedding.”

“Holy shit, you’re joking.”

“Nope, I’m serious as a heart attack. My dad is paying for our wedding. I can’t believe it either.”

Gina still feels the shock of this revelation when they get to the venue, but tries to let it go. She doesn’t want to badger Mike, especially since this show is a belated birthday present. She tries to talk about light, easy stuff as they wait to be let in, and even once they’re inside. They talk about the rap group they’re there to see, and where they’ll go to eat after. They talk about movies and TV shows they’ve seen lately. But they get to shut up once the music starts.

And Gina can’t help thinking how weird it is to see Mike at one of these shows. He looks like a cop, with his rigid posture and commanding energy, but it’s softened by his slight scruff and his hair being longer than she remembers. Not long, but longer than it used to be. When she catches glimpses of him in her peripheral vision, he looks tough. The kind of guy people stay the fuck away from. It’s why, as the space gets tighter, she leans up into his ear and yells over the music “Can I stand in front of you?”

“Yeah, sure,” he yells back, and moves so he’s stood behind her. Gina reaches back and finds Mike’s arms, putting them around her waist so they look like a couple. It works, because even as the main act comes on and the crowd they’re moving and swaying as a part of seems to not touch them. There’s a safeness to being in Mike’s grasp, and Gina realizes between songs just how lucky her brother is to have someone like Mike. Mike, who’s singing along and nodding his head, but isn’t using the excuse of an anonymous crowd to grind on people. Hell, he’s not even hard, and Gina’s spent most of the concert bopping and moving along to the music. Her hips have definitely pressed back against his more than once, but he hasn’t shown an ounce of reaction.

And Mike makes sure not to lose his future sister in law as people rush to leave after the show’s end. He tows her along, his arm tight around her shoulders as they let out onto the street. Mike catches a chill before slipping on the jacket he’d given to coat check. “God, I forgot how hot concerts get.”

“Seriously?” Gina asks as she pulls on her sweater, which is covered in the smell of his cologne since their jackets were on the same hanger. “When was the last concert you went to?”

“Huh…not in years-“ he stops, his head picking up and looking over the crowd, then back at Gina. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“I thought I heard-“ his head lifts again, and this time she hears it too. And she sees it, the person who’s walking towards them and yelling out “Dodds!”

“Richmond!” Mike calls back and takes off towards him. Gina follows, confused and intrigued. She watches Mike throw his arms with no hair and sepia brown skin, giving him what looks like a rib-crushing embrace. Another guy, wearing the same ‘what the hell?’ look as Gina catches her eye. The guy tilts his head at her, and she shrugs.

Gina panics, and for a split-second wonders if this is one of Mike’s exes, before remembering that Mike doesn’t have any exes. And besides, who would run towards their ex like that?

“This is my friend Gina. Gina, this is Oliver Richmond. I served with him.”

“Oh” her face pulls into a shocked smile, and she shakes the hand offered to her. “Wow, hi, nice to meet you.”

“Well hello. If it isn’t lovely to meet you too,” Oliver’s voice lowers when he talks to Gina. Mike smacks him on the back.

“Aren’t you still married?”

“Ah, don’t be jealous Dodds. Man, we really need to get everyone together and just catch up. It’s been what? Five years since the last one?”

“Longer than that. We have to though. God, so much has happened since then.”

****

Sonny’s average night consists of coming home to Mike, giving him a kiss, getting changed into more comfortable clothes, making dinner, and watching TV, going online, or talking until they’re both tired. It’s comfortable for Sonny, to know that he’s coming home to Mike, who’s usually surrounded by wedding supplies courtesy of Gina and her ten previous engagements.

Tonight, Mike is laying on the sofa with his eyes closed when Sonny comes through the door. Sonny comes over and pecks him gently on the forehead, and murmurs “Everything okay?”

Mike sighs and blinks his eyes open, looking up at him. “Just a headache. Trying to get the guest list straightened out.”

Sonny pulls a ‘yikes’ expression, and pushes a hand through the front of Mike’s hair. “Well…did you at least get it done?”

“I think so. The headache is mostly gone now, but…I’ve forgotten how much family I have on my mother’s side.”

“Yeah, but at least it’s done now. And once we have a guest list nailed down we can do the fun parts, like looking at venues.”

“I thought the wedding would be the fun part.”

“You know what I mean.” Sonny pecks his lips. “But the wedding gets us to the really fun part.”

“Ah, yes. The eleven hour flight.”

Sonny pokes his cheek. “Yeah, uh huh, sure, that’s exactly what I’m looking forward to.”

Mike chuckles and takes Sonny’s hand in his own, giving it a light kiss. “Take a look at your list tonight, okay? So I’ve got something to work with?”

“Promise, I will. Hey, do you want me to make dinner? Or do you want take out?”

Mike thinks, his hand squeezing Sonny’s. “I had leftovers for lunch today. So…takeout?”

“Takeout works.”

Today takeout means pizza. Sonny changes into sweats before ordering a pizza, half plain and half sausage and pepperoni, which gets eaten in the living room while the TV plays a Marvel superhero movie, and both of them work on their computers. Sonny mutes the commercials, while the silence between them is filled with keyboard and mousepad clicking. It’s during one of those intermissions that Mike leans over and looks at Sonny’s screen. Sonny glances up, not moving his computer.

“Can I help you?”

“Just wondering what you’re looking at,” Mike answers. Sonny moves his computer on his lap so Mike can see the pictures of the Mustang Sonny’s looking at. Mike grins. “How’d I know?”

“Because the new model year just came out yesterday.”

“Yeah?” Mike asks, scooting closer.

“Yeah…but I like last year’s model better.” He clicks to another tab, showing a car near identical to the first one. “The specs were better.”

“Huh…so could you still get this one?”

Sonny chuckles. “Yeah, sure, they didn’t just cease to exist just because the new models came out.” He sighs softly. “They’re probably cheaper now that the new ones are out.”

“So it’d be easier to do it.”

Sonny pauses, then turns to him, blinking slightly. “Do what?”

“Buy one.”

“I’m not buying a Mustang.”

“Well why not?”

“Why n- Mike, have you forgotten where we live?”

“Yeah, I know, nobody _needs_ a car in New York City but plenty of people have them.”

Sonny sighs, heavier this time, and looks at his laptop, then at Mike. “I can’t aright? I mean, how the hell do you justify buying a car when you live here?”

“Okay, so it’s not the most practical. But is there any other reason you shouldn’t get it?”

“Well…I mean, we have to save our money.”

“We’re always saving money. We don’t go out, we make our own coffee at home, we don’t buy clothes that often.”

“Mike, seriously, stop.”

“Why’re you fighting me on this?”

“Because we’re getting married next year, remember? And we’re gonna be paying for our honeymoon, that’s going to cost money.”

“No we’re not,” Mike says indignantly.

“What are you talking about? Yes we are.”

“Wait…didn’t I…” Mike picks up his phone, only to find that the last message he’d meant to send to Sonny is still sat in the text box. “Oh. Wow, okay.” He clicks his phone off. “Well, my mom felt bad about my dad paying for the wedding. So she offered to pay for the honeymoon.”

“Wait, so…”

“That’s right, we’ve got no excuse not to get this car.”

“I still don’t know…”

“Okay, well don’t think of it as getting a car you’ve always wanted think of it...think of it as us getting ourselves a belated three year anniversary present.”

“You’d buy it with me?”

“Of course! Come on, think about it. Our first car together. We’ll tell stories about this ten, fifteen years now. How cool would that be? Our first car together being a Mustang.”

Slowly, Sonny’s face pulls into a smile. “That would be kinda cool.”

“Oh stop. Kinda cool? Try incredibly cool. You wouldn’t love that?”

“Okay, I would.” His face turns wistful as he gazes over at Mike. “Look at us, buying a car together. We could go on road trips and stuff.”

“We could. And if we could find a place, I’d pose with it for you.”

Sonny laughs and leans over, kissing Mike despite their pizza tasting mouths. “Okay, now you’re just overselling.”

“Whatever works.” Mike kisses Sonny again, then pulls back. “How about tomorrow? Do you want to go tomorrow?”

“I mean, yeah, sure, if tomorrow works for you.”

“Come on, really?” Mike gives him a look. “What would I possibly be doing?”

“I dunno. Maybe you made plans for tomorrow.”

“Nope, not at all. I’m free as a bird. I’ll pick you up from work and we’ll head to a dealership. Deal?”

“Deal,” Sonny agrees, and leans over to seal their arrangement with another kiss.

****

Sonny spends most of his day trying to control his inner child and force himself to focus, but he’s counting down the minutes to when he knows Mike is going to come get him. He has to force himself to focus on the brutally murdered prostitute, who’s splayed naked in a dark alley. It’s easier for Sonny to focus when him and Fin take to canvasing the area and talking to people around. Shockingly, he’s not met with the cold shoulder. A guy that Sonny’s pretty sure is a dealer, and two other hookers talk to him, giving the name and age of the victim, and recounting when they last saw her the night before.

“And how tall was this man?” Sonny asks, jotting down the details of blue hair and neon colored contacts.

“Oh, I dunno…as tall as she was in those heels. Maybe 5’ 10’’? Maybe a little more?”

“And what color was the car they got into?”

“Oh, just your average black SUV. She got in with him willingly, but she never came back.”

“A’right, anything else?”

“No, that’s all I remember, hon. Sorry.”

“Hey, that’s just fine.” Sonny reaches into his inner pocket and hands her one of his cards. “You remember anything else, you call me.”

“Like what?”

“Like anything else about your friend Missy’s murder.”

“Okay…and maybe I should give you my number. In case you want some company.” She steps closer and looks up at him through her lashes.

“Iris, stop. I’m not vice, I’m not lookin’ for any quid pro quo.”

"Oh c’mon honey, don't you want a little?"

"Woah, hey hon, quit it. Please. I'm married." He holds up his hands, showing the ring on his left hand.

"Oh what’s a little action on the side?"

"Well, for one thing, he might be pretty shocked if he found out about it."

“Oh…ok alright…” she backs off and sighs. “Well, please, find the bastard who did this.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen to another one of you girls. Take care now.” He flips his notebook closed and goes back to where Fin is stood by the car they came in. “All good?”

“All good man,” Fin drawls, and gets in the driver’s side. When Sonny gets in next to him, he catches the look he’s getting.

“What?”

"Man, you're bi," Fin points out. Sonny laughs.

"Yeah but they don't need to know that. Sides, you say that and they know you’re not gonna try and extort them.”

“Huh. Good call. Never thought of that one.”

Fin drives them back to the precinct where they get back to work. The next time Sonny looks at the clock, it’s five after three. Only two more hours until they have to leave. Because of that, time bends in the weird way where everything takes forever and Sonny seems to get nothing done.

“Who’s catching?” one of the uniformed officers asks the bullpen. Sonny looks at the clock. 3:37. He’s got time.

“I’ll take this one,” Sonny says, standing up. The officer points in Sonny’s direction. A woman and a teenage boy walk towards him, and he puts on his sympathetic voice. “Hello, follow me please,” he says before leading them to one of the interview rooms. He gets them to sit down before asking why they’re there.

“It’s my son. He’s been assaulted,” the woman speaks after a beat of silence. The boy next to her has his head bent down and his hands in his lap.

“I’m so sorry. Excuse me, Mrs…”

“Deltoro.”

“Right. Mrs. Deltoro, would it be okay if I talked to…”

“Alex,” she answers. “You can talk in front of me. I’m his mother, I gave birth to him.”

Alex bites at his lip, and Sonny represses a sigh.

“I know, but please…it’s easier, sometimes, for teenagers to talk without their parents in the room.”

Even without her in the room it’s like pulling teeth. Sonny has to do a lot of small talk before Alex says in a soft voice that, at a party the night before, he’d gone to make out with a boy he really liked and that things had gone too far.

“But we’d been kissing…and we’d done it before. I thought…I thought…”

“You thought what, Alex?” Sonny asks gently. Alex cracks his knuckles.

“I thought…if I didn’t want it, I could’ve stopped him. I’m bigger than him, but…but…”

“Alex, it doesn’t matter if you’re bigger and stronger. If something happened to you that you didn’t want-“

“But I’d wanted it before. And I’d told him I wanted to. We were kinda boyfriends. Or, I…I wanted us to be. But I didn’t do this to make sure he liked me.”

“You didn’t do anything Alex. Period. That’s it. You were with a guy you liked, you kissed him, and he took it too far.”

“No, that’s not how it works.”

“Okay, so tell me how it does work.”

“It’s…it’s complicated, okay?”

“Listen Alex, I’ve been doing this a long time. I think I’m a pretty bright guy. If you explain it to me, I think I can figure it out.”

“You’re just a straight cop, what do you know?”

Sonny takes that with a slight nod, surveying the distressed kid. He thinks for a long moment, his eyes going from the kid to the table to the window, and then down to his lap when he reaches for his wallet. It’s right at his fingertips, in the credit card holder right behind his driver’s license.

He holds the picture out to Alex, who gingerly takes it by the corner. His eyes widen and his mouth drops open slightly at the image of Sonny stood next to another man in full dress uniform, both looking serious and strong.

“Oh…I-I’m sorry… I didn’t know…” he looks at Sonny differently now “I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s alright.” Sonny waves it off. “His name is Mike. We’ve been together for three years now.”

“Three…” Alex’s gaze goes back to the picture. “Wow. That’s, like…a long time.”

Sonny smiles slightly. “Yeah. Sure is.” His brain clicks, and he leans his elbows on the table. “But you know what? We still have to give each other consent.”

Alex’s brows meet and he looks at Sonny. “Every time?”

“Yeah, Alex. Every time. And if we need to, we stop. If one of us is distracted, we stop. If one of us is in pain, we stop. If one of us has been drinking, hell if _both_ of us have been drinking, we make sure we don’t start anything.”

“Wait…you can’t have sex if you drink?”

“No, Alex. You shouldn’t. Because when you drink your judgement is impaired.”

“But what if you’re both drunk? Then it’s fair, right?”

“What did I just say? If we’ve both been drinking, we have to stop. It’s not optional. Think of it this way: if you wouldn’t drive that way, you shouldn’t have sex that way. After one or two drinks…you technically can, but it’s not a good idea. And if you wouldn’t drive…I mean, would you want to risk making a mistake in bed with someone?”

“Yeah, but-“

“Alex, come on. Drinking and sex don’t mix, get that in your head right now. You wanna know something? At home I have a breathalyzer. If we’ve been drinking and we start fooling around, I make sure we check ourselves before we do anything. And you know what? If you wanna have sex for the right reason, you’ll still wanna do it tomorrow, when you’re sober. That’s what love is, Alex. Protecting each other. Looking after each other. Never taking advantage of each other. And yes, it means getting consent every time.”

“But James said if you want it once then that’s it. That you can’t take it back.”

“Well, James sounds like an entitled little prick to me.”

“Hey-“

Sonny holds up his hands in defense of himself, then rests them on the table. “Look, I’m just giving it to you straight. Guys- and it is just about all guys- feel entitled to sex. If they start coercing you or trying to convince you to have sex with them, they’re bad news. Don’t trust them. Besides, they’re not worth your time anyway.”

“But…James is…” Alex trails off as his eye rests on Sonny’s ring. Sonny moves his hand closer to Alex, allowing him to see the ring in detail. “Did Mike give you this?”

“He sure did. Those are our birth stones, you know.”

“That’s really nice,” Alex’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“He’s really nice. And I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, there are good guys out there. But you need to be careful, because a whole lot of guys are jerks. They want one thing and that’s all they care about.”

“I thought…I-I thought James was like that. He’s…y’know, all sweet and creative and stuff. I thought…”

“And now you’re scared, right? Of getting him in trouble? And you’re wondering if maybe you shouldn’t have come here?”

Alex nods and bites at his already raw lip.

“Well it’s a good thing you did. I know, I _know_ how hard it can be, to turn in someone you care about. But he hurt you. He took advantage of you. He made you feel worthless, you said it yourself. You did the right thing coming here, okay? Don’t forget that.”

Alex is quiet for a minute, and Sonny waits for him to talk before asking “Do you want a soda? Maybe settle your stomach?”

Alex closes his eyes and nods, and Sonny gets up, leaving through Liv’s door. She’s sat there, staring at the window, shaking her head. “What a shame.”

“Yeah, really. I swear, I don’t know how kids come back from that being their first time.”

“Well, there’s hope for him. I’ll go in for you in a little while, I know you have to leave soon.”

“Thanks Lieu.”

He goes back into the room with Liv and a soda, and Liv takes the reigns from there. Alex is comfortable enough that he doesn’t freak out when Sonny leaves. And who’s waiting for him at his desk?

“Hey you,” Sonny squeezes his shoulder, and Mike turns from where he’s talking to Amanda.

“Hey you,” Mike pats the hand on his shoulder. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. You’re early.”

“I didn’t want to make you wait.”

“How considerate.” He looks down at his Apple watch and sees the time, five of five. “Alright, let me just get my stuff and we can go.”

Sonny packs his things, then stands there and joins in on the conversation they’re having about a recent case they’d closed, that Sonny had filled Mike in on while it was happening. Sonny’s head lifts when Alex comes out of interview, looking…almost relaxed. His shoulders aren’t as slumped and his head is held straight. Sonny gives Alex a reassuring smile before slipping his arm around Mike. _It’ll be okay, you’ll find someone good too_ he tries to say silently. Even with Alex’s mother hovering over him and partly blocking his view, Sonny’s pretty sure he gets the message.

****

Sonny whistles when he rests his eyes on the car in real life. Royal crimson with all black interior. Just like he’d imagined. “This is it. This is the one.”

“Okay, I get it now,” Mike walks around the car, taking it all in. “This car…is sexy the right word?”

Sonny laughs and looks up from the sticker price, which is the same as it was a few days before. “Yeah, I’d say so. C’mon, let’s go find someone to get us a test ride.”

Chad would be the guy who does that. Chad wedges himself into the back seat while Sonny and Mike take turns driving the car, though it’s Sonny who sees how fast he can get the car up to 80 and then back to the speed limit. Sonny has no problem talking with Mike, telling him just how nice it rides and how he could see them jetting up to the house they rent in the Catskills for the weekend. The smell of new car brings with it so many possibilities.

It’s only when they start talking price with Chad that Sonny’s demeanor shifts. He becomes negotiator Sonny, talking about the new models driving down the sticker price and how Chad’s boss is going to want to get in a few more sales before the start of the new quarter. Which is tomorrow.

Chad tries to hold firm, but Sonny doesn’t back down. He talks about inventory and stock, and how Sonny wants to support some people on Staten Island by buying this car, but that he doesn’t mind going out to Pennsylvania and getting the car there. And then he pulls out three dealer listings in New York on his phone to show the guy for the same make and model, all of them at $5,000 less than the price they’re offering.

“Okay, my boss says he’s willing to take $2,200 off the sticker price for you.”

“You know man, I really don’t see that working for me.” Sonny says, and slides his hands back to rest over his hips, revealing the detective’s shield on his belt. The man’s eyes go right to it, then slide back to the gun that’s pretty close to where his hand is resting.

“I…I’ll see what I can do.” 

“I’d really appreciate that.” Sonny gives him a sneering smile, then turns as they’re left alone, a smirk widening across his face. Mike chuckles when the door shuts. 

“God, you’re horrible.” 

“I’m just doing what I gotta do. I don’t mind paying New York prices, but not if the guy is going to rip us off. I already know the insurance is probably going to be pretty damn high.”

“Oh crap, I forgot about car insurance,” Mike says. Sonny shrugs.

“It’s fine. We’ll have…what’s his name, the guy that did our life insurance, he can get it worked out for us too.” 

“That’s good. Damn, I’m glad I brought the haggler with me. I had no idea you were so good at this.”

“Well having you here helps.”

“Me? I haven’t said more than ten words to Chad.”

“Trust me, babe. Having you helps. You see yourself? Those arms? You need an open carry license for those things”

Mike’s voice drops. “Just the way you like it, right?”

Sonny gives him a wink before the door opens, and Chad comes out with the highest of the other prices that Sonny had shown him, but Sonny won’t have that. It’s another half hour and another $3,000 off the price before they sign the paperwork and get the keys handed over to them. For all his hard ass negotiation, Sonny gives Chad and his boss Lucas a few hearty handshakes before they leave. Mike follows Sonny’s lead on both counts, then holds Sonny’s hand as they walk back to the car. “You wanna drive?” Sonny asks.

“No, you drive.”

“Sure?”

Mike laughs. “Yes I’m sure. I want to watch you drive this car.”

“Is it because you don’t want to be on the hook for parking it?”

“…a little.”

Sonny laughs and gets in. He turns on the car, and for a few minutes they sit there, warming themselves and the car. They listen to the hum of the engine and each other’s breathing.

“Happy anniversary,” Sonny says, looking over at Mike in the passenger seat. Mike, with his slight scruff and tight fit jacket and bright, heart warming smile. Mike who shouldn’t have lived to see this day. Mike who’s still here.

“Happy anniversary,” Mike repeats, and leans over for a long, slow kiss that they’ll have to finish when they get home. The back seat isn’t big enough for the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gooooooooodness, why was this chapter so long? I have no idea, but I kinda liked the way it turned out. 
> 
> In other news, I didn't get nearly as much as I wanted done over my break, but fear not. Christmas will soon be upon us and I will have a month to do nothing but write. That'll be good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a few projects I need to get rolling on. 
> 
> I urge you guys, please, please comment on this chapter! I know it's long but it took a lot of time and effort and I'd really like to know what you all think.


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